Opportunely Puns

Should've called them heartbrakers

Starting with my severe drinking opportunity

If one store goes down, they will all go down.

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

I turned it on its side, now it’s endless opportunity.

Should see it as an opportunity

They could call them coughy filters.

....really missed an opportunity to call them Substitooths.

Son: Where are you in the photo?

Dad: That's me in the corner.

Because heavy metals are toxic.

(I -22f- have created this joke when i was 15, I was waiting for an opportunity to disgust people with it. So here you go reddit lol)

They should have been called "Ayeglasses."

Sails are through the roof!

So, I told him 'its okay to feel Saruman, it only opens Mordors of opportunities'.

God said he's giving me an opportunity to pass along to the new world but i missed the train.

Mom: “Matthew! Can you grab the screws please?”

Me: “Oh screw this.”

Mom: “Can you grab some nails?”

Me: “Yup.” Sees the curtains up “Oh wow you’re really nailing it.”

Mom: “The drills on the counter. Would you mind...”

Me: “Don’t worry. I know the drill by now.”

He’s very unhoppy.

Hindsight is 2020 though.

“Frozen pizza” said my son, rolling his eyes.

“Exactly, my son. Frozen pizza.”

Here's to a happy New year and hoping that we all see clearly in 2020!

Watching the new season of The Chef Show on the Netflix, and in the Hog Island episode, John asks why cheese industry is so big there, and someone replies “it’s a beautiful place for dairy, it also it’s just a big dairy area”.

You mean.................................. a dairy-ah?

I’ll see myself out.

So my 1st Born came into this world on Monday night and we were discharged on Thursday. Upon leaving our room, we were given a metal cart to place our belongings on including our son (in his car seat). As we made our way to the garage, I noticed that when the cart was rolling his car seat would rock a bit. I took this opportunity to exclaim “hey (son’s name) you’re really rockin’ ‘n’ rollin’ now.” My wife then truly realized what is in store for her.

Dear Lord as week seek to produce puns worthy of your praise, lettuce relish this opportunity. We ask that you would cause humor to sprout in the hearts of those who think us nuts. Continue to cultivate in us passion, fruit which beets back sadness and joy which leeks into others. Though some may say we are corny we know you will give us sage wisdom. Give us the confidence to know we are kale’in it as we bring choy to the world and live apply ever after.

But I reply “NO I AM A CAPITALIST”