Do you know why you never see a Pirate weep openly?
Pac-Man is such an openly terrible husband.
It's not even any secret that he cheats on Mrs. Pac-Man: drive around town enough and you're sure to find him on a waka waka waka shame.
To all the members of this subreddit, an open letter:
A lobster and a shrimp opened a highly expensive pufferfish shop.
I guess selfish shellfish sell swell fish.
Which program do jedi use to open PDFs?
So would this now be a can’t opener?
I'm sick and tired of people coming into my house, trying to sell me books, and then just marching out and leaving the door wide open.
Were these people born in a Barnes and Noble or something?
The new LEGO store is having it's grand opening today and the crowd is growing.
Folks are lined up for blocks!
A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
A friend opened a strip club called the G.Spot...
It closed after a week as most men couldn't find it.
My uncle always said "when one door closes another door opens"
Great guy,terrible kitchen fitter.
I just opened a package from my dad which contained canned ham.
He told me it was his first attempt at spam mail.
Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open during lockdown?
How do you open a green door
Was so proud of my boys. I just asked them what we should call the can opener that just broke. I’m an instant they said, “A can’t opener?” They will be good dads someday!
A pic for anyone who wants to see it:
https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/lum6ev/so_if_this_is_broken_would_it_now_be_a_cant_opener/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Both of my parents don't identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. They are both very honest and open people.
I guess you could say they're transparent.
My grandfather always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens.”
Lovely man.
Terrible cabinet maker.
Daughter: "Can you open this, dad?"
opens the jar
Yep! I sure can!
closes it back and hands it back
My daughter again " ..... "
When I open the fridge after a long day at work only to find water, milk and juice, I start to feel like David Gilmour.
"How I wish... How I wish you were beer."
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
When the elevator doors opened for me to enter, everyone was asleep inside...
Must be that Ambien music that they play
I normally knock on the fridge door before I open it...
Just in case there’s a salad dressing
You know what’s the worst thing about keeping an open mind?
You’ll end up getting a splitting headache.
Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present
And inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential. Disappointed, she sets the deed down and says, "I don't want a lot for Christmas!"
A new bakery opened up downtown
Great service but the food was crummy.
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Captain Kirks wife has just opened a new lingerie shop.
Its called Shatner Knickers.
Boss: How's that new glue?
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit
My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.
I always have trouble with emotional attachments.
Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
Just opened a Christmas card and rice fell out.
Must be from my Uncle Ben.
How did mouses open old letters?
What do you call a can opener that's been broken
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
My friend opened a club called “The G-Spot”
But it closed after a week, because most men couldn’t find it.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
I always knock on the door of the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
The new Lego store recently opened up
People lined up for blocks
You should always knock on the fridge door before opening it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
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