I have started freezing different objects at -273.15Β°c and blowing them up. Seeing with items reacted differently.

I call it the 0k boomer experiment.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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I went to an Eye Doctor because I was having trouble seeing

I thought he would give me glasses, but he said he had a better solution and suddenly squirted ketchup into my eyes!

I was about to object, then realized I could see perfectly! I asked him how it worked, and he shrugged and said...

"Heinz-sight is 20/20"

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaleoGamer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition...

and soon discovered he seriously misunderstood the objective.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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After seeing a dead bird I had to tell my 4 year old what it means.

I said it Δ­t : pro. Used to refer to that one previously mentioned. Used of a nonhuman entity; an animate being whose sex is unspecified, unknown, or irrelevant; a group of objects or individuals; an action; or an abstraction.

pro. Used as the subject of an impersonal verb.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dumbstupidhuman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
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Why did the undefined cross the road?

[object Object]

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drakens6
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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Gabe had a heavy load this semester

Math, physics, comp sci. The only easy class was "The American Century." Open book midterm and final, so he wasn't going to do any of the reading all semester.

β€œIt’s a huge waste of time, Dad,” he laughed when I objected. β€œI’m not learning a damn thing in the class.”

β€œWell, then you’re just going to have to take that class over again,” I snapped at him.

β€œWhat are you talking about?” he yelped.

β€œYou know why, Gabe,” I said. β€œThose who don’t learn from history are condemned to repeat it.”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cja1968
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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My wife is such a sex object.

Every time I want sex, she objects.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/psburrito
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Is this safe to eat?

No, the safe stores valuable objects.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi series of all time is Dr. Who.

If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.

πŸ‘︎ 300
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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There are historical accounts of Attila and his army seeing strange otherworldly ships hovering over the battlefields.

These were Hun Identified Flying Objects.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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One day, Kermit the Frog was a little short on cash, so he went to the bank to speak to a loan officer...

When he got there, a woman extended her hand.

"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"

Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."

They walked over to her desk and sat down.

"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"

"Oh, just call me Kermit."

"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"

"Ten thousand dollars."

Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.

"Do you have any references?"

"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."

Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...

"THE Keith Richards?"

"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."

"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"

"Excuse me?"

"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."

"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."

Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our amphibious friend.

"What's this?"

"It's a Hummel."

"A what?"

"A Hummel. They're supposed to be quite valuable. Well, at least this one is to me."

She picked up the Hummel and stood up.

"If you don't mind, I would like to show this to the manager."

"Oh, no! I don't mind at all!"

So, Patricia took the Hummel to the manager's office, knocked on the door, and walked inside.

"Patricia! What can I do for you?"

"Mr. Wilson, there's this... frog named Kermit at my desk, and he wants to borrow $10,000, but he has only this for collateral."

Mr. Wilson looked at the Hummel, then out to her desk.

"I don't see anything out of order here."

"But, Mr. Wilson--"

"Look, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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Son: Dad, what’s your favorite rock group? Dad: If I’m being subjective, I’d say The Who.

But if I’m being objective, I’d say The Whom.

πŸ‘︎ 428
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
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A baby chameleon went to a therapist

Chameleon: The humans hate me

Therapist: What makes you say that?

Chameleon: My parents and siblings roam around their houses and kids' bikes, and it's all fine by the humans, but when I visit their neighborhood, they throw objects at me

Therapist: You need to learn to adapt to change

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vinayjrao
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
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Came up with this in calculus class

A calculus professor explains an example problem to her class.

"To do this, you need to find the initial position of the object."

A confused student asks, "y?"

"yβ‚€," says the professor.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamnomad101
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...

β€œI could but I think the baker might object”.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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Why did the C++ programmer do so well at his new job as a packaging and design engineer?

Because he was very good at orienting objects.

(Okay this is a really technical dad joke, but isn't that what they're supposed to be?)

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jarvedttudd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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An Astronomy Lesson

One of the most interesting objects in the night sky is a fuzzy patch of stars known colloquially as the β€œSeven Sisters”. In order to find it, first find the constellation Orion, and follow the direction his Bow is shooting.

No thanks necessary, we aim to Pleiades.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2018
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To whoever stole my adhd meds

Oooooh shiny object

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/michaelveyrocks
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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A 1-D object and a 2-D object walk into a bar

The 1-D object turns to the 2-D object

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/S4T4N1C
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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Why are cyborg gynecologist sexist?

Because they treat women-like objects.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/resoredo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
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"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.

"Don't be daft," I replied. "A toilet is a stationary object."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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What is it, Dad?

It is a pronoun used to reference an object or thing.

πŸ‘︎ 810
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kavien
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2015
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So, I'm studying human perception as it relates to colour, right?

And the thing about eyes, sight, and light is that nobody really knows what colour anything is.

What we think of as colour is actually light reflecting off a surface in the visible light spectrum- nothing is inherently colourful on its own. So everything we see is actually in our own heads. Transfered light is reflecting off objects, into our eyes and being read/perceived by the brain as 'colour'.

It's all a pigment of our imagination.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SupremeCanadian
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
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Why was the man scared of the ball

Because he had a sfear of circular objects

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vladturapov
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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I hit my brother with a dad joke

My brother is at a hospital and sees a therapist regularly. He gets one phone call a day and it's my personal objective to get him to laugh every day.

Bro: I should probably get going, the therapist gave me some homework to do.

Me: Yeah, you don't wanna make her therapist off.

I got a good laugh from him.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Themeattornado25
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2016
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What do you call a UFO that has been discovered?

AnIdentified Flying Object.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChasingPesmerga
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
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"No, that's..."

My dad used to play a game with me and my brother that was, in effect, an extended dad joke.

The "beginner" version, when I was younger, was when I would be talking about something, my dad would intentionally misinterpret it so that we could correct him. The objective being to keep up the misinterpretation in as long of a chain as possible.

Me: "Dad! Top Gun is on TV!"

Dad: "Doesn't that movie have that whiny folk singer on the radio in it?"

Me: "...No, dad, that's Tom Petty, not Tom Cruise."

Dad: "Oh, I thought he was Rosanne Barr's husband?"

Me: "No, dad, that's Tom Arnold, not Tom Petty."

Dad: "Oh. I thought he was that golfer..."

Later, once I figured it out, we moved to "advanced mode", where we skip the "correction" and just prove that you catch the reference by making another error in response.

Dad: "Oh. I thought he was that golfer..." (Arnold Palmer)

Me: "...wait, I thought that was the victim in Twin Peaks?" (Laura Palmer)

Dad: "...no, you're thinking of the lady who was the actress in Jurassic Park." (Laura Dern)

And so on. Did anyone else's dad's do something like this? Or any current dads? I currently play a version of this with my wife where she'll put on the radio and I'll intentionally misinterpret the artist. (Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody is playing, I comment to the effect of "God, I love Styx. Such a great song.")

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2015
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Dr. Ann Kerr

Watching 'Operation Ouch' on Cbbc tonight with wife and kids. Someone called Dr. Ann Kerr appears on the show at some point. I couldn't help it, I said "I know her, she used to work in the Port of Dover". Kids didn't register. Murderous look from my wife. Have now put away all sharp objects just to be on the safe side.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maud_brijeulin
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
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Why Are All People Attracted To Mountains

Because all objects have a gravitational force including mountains, thus if you are near a mountain you feel a slight attraction to it.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamingAstronamy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
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Isaac Newton is sitting under a tree one day...

... when something falls out of the tree and hits him on the head.

He picks up the fallen object and examines it, then declares, β€œWhy, some invisible force must have pulled this apple to the ground!”

A passerby overhears the famed scientist, then mutters, β€œFucking idiot doesn’t know one fruit from another,” before shouting, β€œHey! That’s a fig, Newton!”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
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What do you call a really fat cow?

An un-moo-vable object.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blorph
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2015
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Animals puns for wedding tables...

We're having a Canadian wedding with an animal theme to differentiate the different tables. On each table we'll have an animal emblem with some kind of love pun for each animal. It's been a trying affair to come up with these, but I know a lot of them could be better. In fact, most of them are downright ridiculous.

Reddit, how can we improve these?

Moose - I find you amoosing.

Beaver - I think I'll pick this flower for her, it would beavery romantic.

Owl - Owl always love you.

Fox - You are the object of my affoxtion.

Skunk - I stink you're sweet!

Bunny - Everybunny loves you!

Woodpecker - Knock Knock! Who's there? Wood! Wood who? Wood you be mine?

Porcupuine. I'm stuck on you.

Wolf - Wolf you marry me?

Trout - We'll be together trout eternity!

Turtle - You're turtley amazing.

Lynx - Let us lynx our lives together.

Bear - To be away from you is unbearable.

Squirrel - I'm going nuts for you!

Raven - Can't stop raven about you.

Turkey - I could just gobble you up!

Caribou - Where does one find a wedding ring for his deer? Why at the cariboutique, of course.

Deer - I love you deerly!

Goose - You give me goose bumps.

Sasquatch - Getting you to marry me was no small feat.

Also looking for some ideas for racoon, snake, and groundhogs.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TonyMcConkey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2014
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My Dad drops this on me every time I lose anything.

I look everywhere for said object, dad walks in and has it in his hand and goes "Here, why don't you use this one while we look for the other one?"

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/asguardia
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2017
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Dan glanced at the small watch he kept clipped to his belt, and smiled.

"I swear, this is the most convenient object I own. It appears my schedule would indeed allow for a light Netflix binge," he said, time-waistingly.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thelastcubscout
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2017
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I was cleaning my houses storm windows last weekend

Me to my dad: "I like cleaning glass. It ends up satisfyingly clean when your done"

my dad: "It's always nice to have clear objectives"

When I asked if he folded the possible reference to objective lenses into the joke on purpose, he just winked.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uesarnem
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2017
🚨︎ report
My witty father got me with this long-con

One morning while sitting down for breakfast, my Dad looks up, points at my waist and exclaims, "What are those two things coming out of your butt?!" My 6 yr. old self wheels around like a dog chasing it's tail looking for said objects. nothing. I ask what they were and he says he's not sure, but that I will be fine. After school he get's home from work. Me: "Dad, do you those things coming out of my butt still?" Dad: "Yup" Repeat action and conversation from the morning again. And repeat again then next day, and the next ... 7 days in total I'm getting pissed my Dad see's them all the time but my Mom and older Sister don't. I surely don't see two things coming out of my butt. I'm starting to freak out and cry. Why can I not see these two things coming out of my butt, I'm sobbing, blubbering gibberish and spittle running down my chin to my shirt. I'm gasping for air and crying and just about to blow a gasket (I'm 6 mind you ...) my mom finally had enough, "Dammit Craig ... TELL HIM NOW!!" I get all calmed down and start getting excited, I'm going to find out! he sits me down and tells me this ... "I have told you all week that you had two things coming out of your butt?" That's why I'm losing my shit, Dad "Well, I was talking about your legs. You're legs come out of your butt and you have two of them." all the while looking me straight in the eyes, he starts a famously wonderful shit-grin. Mom loses it again, throws her arms up in utter frustration/disappointment/disbelief. Sister virtually pissing herself in laughter. My dad gets up, smiling that smile, he walks away with a pat on the head. "Pay better attention next time."

groan.

TLDR: I was 6, told I have 2 things coming out of my butt for a week. finally told that they where my legs. facepalm and groaner.

edit: - waiting for the right moment to pull this one on my 5 and 7 yr old ...

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acollins144
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2013
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So I was working in a group planning out a new C# application

I loudly proclaimed "I object."

Boss: To what? We barely started.

Me: Oh, I thought we were using object oriented programming.

Room: groans.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2017
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I call my wife the sex object.

Anytime i want sex, she objects.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrcharlesboyle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.

If I’m being objective, it is Dr. Whom.

πŸ‘︎ 402
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
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Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition...

...he finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tapoutmb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2018
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Frankenstein..

Frankenstein enters a body building competition, and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
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