Frankenstein enters a body building competition and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ‘€︎ u/leianarodriguez
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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What is the object oriented way to get wealthy?


πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/MjarjoSAC11
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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A report just came out exposing how the government's mishandling of an explosive object could've caused the deaths of hundreds of civilians

It was a bombshell

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/MRTJ115
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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What is the most sexual object in the world?

A door, because it wont stop banging the frame.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ‘€︎ u/SirSnuffy
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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The Muppets teamed up with NASA to name a newly discovered celestial object.

Upon its first sighting, the Jim Henson Company issued a press release, "Comet Defrog here."

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ‘€︎ u/salawm
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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I call my wife the sex object.

Anytime i want sex, she objects.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrcharlesboyle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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A clock is the most likely object to get corona

because it always has its hands on it's face

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/thatsgregbuddy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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I just found out that a circle is the most pointless object
πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jwp04
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
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My wife was just swapping out objects on the mantle, and my son asked why she was putting bamboo up there.

I told him she was decorating for Halloween, and they both just gave me a flat look. Then with a grin on my face I simply said bamBOO!! Much to my wife’s dismay my 6 year old has been repeating it for the last 20 minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 189
πŸ‘€︎ u/lancer611
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
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Gabe had a heavy load this semester

Math, physics, comp sci. The only easy class was "The American Century." Open book midterm and final, so he wasn't going to do any of the reading all semester.

β€œIt’s a huge waste of time, Dad,” he laughed when I objected. β€œI’m not learning a damn thing in the class.”

β€œWell, then you’re just going to have to take that class over again,” I snapped at him.

β€œWhat are you talking about?” he yelped.

β€œYou know why, Gabe,” I said. β€œThose who don’t learn from history are condemned to repeat it.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ‘€︎ u/cja1968
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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What is the shortest object in the living room?

The pil-low.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdonkey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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Is this safe to eat?

No, the safe stores valuable objects.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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A baby chameleon went to a therapist

Chameleon: The humans hate me

Therapist: What makes you say that?

Chameleon: My parents and siblings roam around their houses and kids' bikes, and it's all fine by the humans, but when I visit their neighborhood, they throw objects at me

Therapist: You need to learn to adapt to change

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/vinayjrao
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
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One day, Kermit the Frog was a little short on cash, so he went to the bank to speak to a loan officer...

When he got there, a woman extended her hand.

"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"

Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."

They walked over to her desk and sat down.

"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"

"Oh, just call me Kermit."

"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"

"Ten thousand dollars."

Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.

"Do you have any references?"

"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."

Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...

"THE Keith Richards?"

"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."

"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"

"Excuse me?"

"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."

"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."

Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our amphibious friend.

"What's this?"

"It's a Hummel."

"A what?"

"A Hummel. They're supposed to be quite valuable. Well, at least this one is to me."

She picked up the Hummel and stood up.

"If you don't mind, I would like to show this to the manager."

"Oh, no! I don't mind at all!"

So, Patricia took the Hummel to the manager's office, knocked on the door, and walked inside.

"Patricia! What can I do for you?"

"Mr. Wilson, there's this... frog named Kermit at my desk, and he wants to borrow $10,000, but he has only this for collateral."

Mr. Wilson looked at the Hummel, then out to her desk.

"I don't see anything out of order here."

"But, Mr. Wilson--"

"Look, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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Came up with this in calculus class

A calculus professor explains an example problem to her class.

"To do this, you need to find the initial position of the object."

A confused student asks, "y?"

"yβ‚€," says the professor.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/iamnomad101
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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While sitting on the couch with my wife and four year old...

My four year old daughter was sitting between my wife and I. While we held out our hands she touched each of our fingers saying 1, 2, 3... counting each one. I looked at my wife and said "We've got people that count on us".

πŸ‘︎ 216
πŸ‘€︎ u/botblue
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2014
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Son: Dad, what’s your favorite rock group? Dad: If I’m being subjective, I’d say The Who.

But if I’m being objective, I’d say The Whom.

πŸ‘︎ 423
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
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My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...

β€œI could but I think the baker might object”.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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An Astronomy Lesson

One of the most interesting objects in the night sky is a fuzzy patch of stars known colloquially as the β€œSeven Sisters”. In order to find it, first find the constellation Orion, and follow the direction his Bow is shooting.

No thanks necessary, we aim to Pleiades.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2018
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A 1-D object and a 2-D object walk into a bar

The 1-D object turns to the 2-D object

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/S4T4N1C
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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So, I'm studying human perception as it relates to colour, right?

And the thing about eyes, sight, and light is that nobody really knows what colour anything is.

What we think of as colour is actually light reflecting off a surface in the visible light spectrum- nothing is inherently colourful on its own. So everything we see is actually in our own heads. Transfered light is reflecting off objects, into our eyes and being read/perceived by the brain as 'colour'.

It's all a pigment of our imagination.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/SupremeCanadian
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
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Dr. Ann Kerr

Watching 'Operation Ouch' on Cbbc tonight with wife and kids. Someone called Dr. Ann Kerr appears on the show at some point. I couldn't help it, I said "I know her, she used to work in the Port of Dover". Kids didn't register. Murderous look from my wife. Have now put away all sharp objects just to be on the safe side.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/maud_brijeulin
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
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Isaac Newton is sitting under a tree one day...

... when something falls out of the tree and hits him on the head.

He picks up the fallen object and examines it, then declares, β€œWhy, some invisible force must have pulled this apple to the ground!”

A passerby overhears the famed scientist, then mutters, β€œFucking idiot doesn’t know one fruit from another,” before shouting, β€œHey! That’s a fig, Newton!”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
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I hit my brother with a dad joke

My brother is at a hospital and sees a therapist regularly. He gets one phone call a day and it's my personal objective to get him to laugh every day.

Bro: I should probably get going, the therapist gave me some homework to do.

Me: Yeah, you don't wanna make her therapist off.

I got a good laugh from him.

πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ‘€︎ u/Themeattornado25
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2016
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"No, that's..."

My dad used to play a game with me and my brother that was, in effect, an extended dad joke.

The "beginner" version, when I was younger, was when I would be talking about something, my dad would intentionally misinterpret it so that we could correct him. The objective being to keep up the misinterpretation in as long of a chain as possible.

Me: "Dad! Top Gun is on TV!"

Dad: "Doesn't that movie have that whiny folk singer on the radio in it?"

Me: "...No, dad, that's Tom Petty, not Tom Cruise."

Dad: "Oh, I thought he was Rosanne Barr's husband?"

Me: "No, dad, that's Tom Arnold, not Tom Petty."

Dad: "Oh. I thought he was that golfer..."

Later, once I figured it out, we moved to "advanced mode", where we skip the "correction" and just prove that you catch the reference by making another error in response.

Dad: "Oh. I thought he was that golfer..." (Arnold Palmer)

Me: "...wait, I thought that was the victim in Twin Peaks?" (Laura Palmer)

Dad: ", you're thinking of the lady who was the actress in Jurassic Park." (Laura Dern)

And so on. Did anyone else's dad's do something like this? Or any current dads? I currently play a version of this with my wife where she'll put on the radio and I'll intentionally misinterpret the artist. (Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody is playing, I comment to the effect of "God, I love Styx. Such a great song.")

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2015
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My Dad drops this on me every time I lose anything.

I look everywhere for said object, dad walks in and has it in his hand and goes "Here, why don't you use this one while we look for the other one?"

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ‘€︎ u/asguardia
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2017
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Animals puns for wedding tables...

We're having a Canadian wedding with an animal theme to differentiate the different tables. On each table we'll have an animal emblem with some kind of love pun for each animal. It's been a trying affair to come up with these, but I know a lot of them could be better. In fact, most of them are downright ridiculous.

Reddit, how can we improve these?

Moose - I find you amoosing.

Beaver - I think I'll pick this flower for her, it would beavery romantic.

Owl - Owl always love you.

Fox - You are the object of my affoxtion.

Skunk - I stink you're sweet!

Bunny - Everybunny loves you!

Woodpecker - Knock Knock! Who's there? Wood! Wood who? Wood you be mine?

Porcupuine. I'm stuck on you.

Wolf - Wolf you marry me?

Trout - We'll be together trout eternity!

Turtle - You're turtley amazing.

Lynx - Let us lynx our lives together.

Bear - To be away from you is unbearable.

Squirrel - I'm going nuts for you!

Raven - Can't stop raven about you.

Turkey - I could just gobble you up!

Caribou - Where does one find a wedding ring for his deer? Why at the cariboutique, of course.

Deer - I love you deerly!

Goose - You give me goose bumps.

Sasquatch - Getting you to marry me was no small feat.

Also looking for some ideas for racoon, snake, and groundhogs.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/TonyMcConkey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2014
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Dan glanced at the small watch he kept clipped to his belt, and smiled.

"I swear, this is the most convenient object I own. It appears my schedule would indeed allow for a light Netflix binge," he said, time-waistingly.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/thelastcubscout
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2017
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I was cleaning my houses storm windows last weekend

Me to my dad: "I like cleaning glass. It ends up satisfyingly clean when your done"

my dad: "It's always nice to have clear objectives"

When I asked if he folded the possible reference to objective lenses into the joke on purpose, he just winked.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/uesarnem
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2017
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My witty father got me with this long-con

One morning while sitting down for breakfast, my Dad looks up, points at my waist and exclaims, "What are those two things coming out of your butt?!" My 6 yr. old self wheels around like a dog chasing it's tail looking for said objects. nothing. I ask what they were and he says he's not sure, but that I will be fine. After school he get's home from work. Me: "Dad, do you those things coming out of my butt still?" Dad: "Yup" Repeat action and conversation from the morning again. And repeat again then next day, and the next ... 7 days in total I'm getting pissed my Dad see's them all the time but my Mom and older Sister don't. I surely don't see two things coming out of my butt. I'm starting to freak out and cry. Why can I not see these two things coming out of my butt, I'm sobbing, blubbering gibberish and spittle running down my chin to my shirt. I'm gasping for air and crying and just about to blow a gasket (I'm 6 mind you ...) my mom finally had enough, "Dammit Craig ... TELL HIM NOW!!" I get all calmed down and start getting excited, I'm going to find out! he sits me down and tells me this ... "I have told you all week that you had two things coming out of your butt?" That's why I'm losing my shit, Dad "Well, I was talking about your legs. You're legs come out of your butt and you have two of them." all the while looking me straight in the eyes, he starts a famously wonderful shit-grin. Mom loses it again, throws her arms up in utter frustration/disappointment/disbelief. Sister virtually pissing herself in laughter. My dad gets up, smiling that smile, he walks away with a pat on the head. "Pay better attention next time."


TLDR: I was 6, told I have 2 things coming out of my butt for a week. finally told that they where my legs. facepalm and groaner.

edit: - waiting for the right moment to pull this one on my 5 and 7 yr old ...

πŸ‘︎ 92
πŸ‘€︎ u/acollins144
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2013
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Popped a dad joke while playing an online game with friends

I was playing a game of heroes of the storm with friends. We played a map where the objective is to grow a giant plant to attack the enemies base.

My friend commented "I am really starting to like this map!" I said in return "Yeah, it's really starting to grow on me." Of course I was promptly told to shut up by my friend.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chilaxbro
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2015
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A double triumph at dinner

Me, talking to my gang of teenage kids about their day. I asked my oldest son what he was working for the upcoming science olympiad. My son: "We're working on a pendulum." Me: "Must be a lot of back and forth." ACTUAL LAUGHTER! After we settled back down, my son said, "We're also working on objects." I said "Objects?" puzzled. "No Dad! Optics!" "Oh! Optics.....I see. (big grin)" Laughter again! TRIUMPH!

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ‘€︎ u/trader_dave
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2016
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Didn't even think he was listening...

My stepmom was explaining the difference between lay and lie to me, when I said, "So its lay if you do it to an object, it's lie if you do it to yourself."

Dad: "No, that's called masturbation."

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ‘€︎ u/Maelztromz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2014
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German Teacher

Dad told me this one:

A German teacher was having one of his students imitate various objects. He would say car and he would say "vrooom" or sink and he would say "Fsssss" then finally he asks him to imitate a clock and so the student says "tic, tic, tic, tic." And his teachers face moves to an eerie smile and he says, "We have ways of making you toc."

πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ‘€︎ u/PunchingBob
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2014
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Puns of Varying Quality on the Subject of Linguistics (created in a fit of procrastinative inspiration) some of which I thought someone, someday might appreciate.

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics – the only department of linguistics where it’s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/kieuk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2011
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Not sure if I got my friend

Friend, while looking at a textbook: This is Smalltalk, the language Objective-C was based on. I kinda see why, with all the weird brackets.

Me: Would you say you...Objective-ly C why?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/for_drizzle
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2015
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My grandfather felt the need to explain us who exactly "Jack Schitt" is and how much we REALLY don't know him.

For some time many of us have wondered, just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my personal genealogy research efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.


Crock O. Schitt

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ‘€︎ u/JaeqPiegDeivys
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2014
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Frankenstein enters a body building competition, and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
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Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition...

...he finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective.

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ‘€︎ u/tapoutmb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2018
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