A teacher is doing attendance. she comes across the name “Hijkm” she says “I’m sorry, I’m not sure how to pronounce this name,” then spells it out. A girl raises her hand and says...
“That’s me, and it’s pronounced Noelle”
Why did the cat not get out of bed today?
A woman was in coma after giving birth to twins (M&F). Doc said to her after she came out of it that her brother named her kids. Mother worried and asked what are they? Doc said "Girl's name is Denis". Mom said that's not so bad. What's my son's name?
I just found out my electric toothbrush is not waterproof
Vampires suck your blood to get vitamin D, because they can not be out in the sun.
Have you ever thought about that?
No, because all you think about is yourself.
My fiancé cursed me out for not booking a wedding date. So I apologized and set it up.
We’re getting married on February 29, 2023.
I recently bought a shirt in size 'M' but it didn't fit me so it turns out that I'm not a medium after all.
No wonder why I'm not able to contact the dead.
My herbal addiction is getting out of control. Rosemary, Sage, anything to get that herbal hit. When the money ran out I raided the garden, that's cleared out now. Some friends have been lending me some of theirs, but it's not enough to keep me going.
I'm just living on borrowed thyme.
I found a four leaf clover and wanted to dry it out and put it in a frame and thought that ironing it would do the trick. My Dad said, "No son, don't do it!" I asked why not?
He said, "You should never press your luck."
There are children being born whose PARENTS were not alive when Shreck (2001) came out.
Crazy how the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming.
What did they call the Blarney Stone when they found out it was not a stone at all?
The weather forecast said that a monsoon was coming, but when it arrived it turned out not to be a monsoon at all.
Not a dad, but I texted this joke to I girl I went out with a couple of times. Told me after that I remind her of her dad
“Did you know there’s a mistake in the English alphabet?”
Her: “sure there is”
”No seriously. U & I should be together“
Edit: In now way is there a sexual implication with the joke. She was being sarcastic when she texted that
Very disappointed to find out that the universal remote control I bought does not control the universe.
While I was at the gym, my wife sent me a text, " We're not working out."
So I replied, "You're not, but I am," and went back to my routine.
DQ missed out on a great opportunity when they started doing the orange julius thing by not calling them "Julius Freezers"
Winnie the Pooh fell out of a tree and broke both his legs. While he was recovering in the hospital an administrator came and told him his insurance plan wouldn't cover it. Shocked, Pooh asked why not.
"Well, it's two bear bones"
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel.
Philip of Garbage Land does not like going out to sea.
That's because he's a land Phil.
Not the greatest,brought out a chuckle
This thief and his accomplice were escaping from a robbery. Unfortunately for the passenger thief, his door was not closed all the way, and he fell out.
I guess you could say that spot was where the robber meets the road.
Not sure if this board works out.
Not technically a dad joke, but: You ever have the problem of a 4 year old making you look bad because he likes helping with the dishes and hasn't figured out the finer points of letting them soak?
People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.
I've been working out a lot so I can gain a six pack. So far it's only a one pack and its not very big :(
Why did the grape not want to stay out in the sun?
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry that makes me.
Out of the four elements, why was Water not invited to the party?
Because only Earth, Wind, and Fire know how to groove.
How would a middle aged man find a companion to hang out with? Go to events with? Talk about life with? But not in a romantic way.
My friend lost ten pounds doing a body wrap. Not me though. It's always a bad idea to go out dressed in Saran wrap.
People can clearly see you're (your) nuts.
Going out on a limb here hoping this is not a repost
Here's a joke my daughter just told me, so proud of her! A guy walked into a house when the owners were home. He pulled out a gun and shot them in the head, but no one died. Why not?
Because they were in the living room.
My partner told me to take the spider out, not killing it.
So I did, had a few drinks and found out he's a nice fellow. In fact, he's a web designer!
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.
She did not hold Up well.
A Russian named Rudolph looked out of his window one day and told his wife not to go out without an umbrella. His wife asked ”What makes you say that”?
He replied ”Rudolph the red knows rain dear”.
One for all the musicians out there sorry not sorry
It's strange not to find out you are colorblind until adulthood
The news came right out of the orange
I prefer not to go out in rain...
Weather or not it's raining heavily...
I just found out that my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof.
I just found out that Aaargghhh is not a real word.
I can’t tell you how angry I am at this.
People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician
People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
