Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.

It's half empty.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I tested negative for Covid-19

So that’s positive

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pistol-pete19
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Negative

True story, I work in the health industry, get to ask these questions from time to time:

Me: Good morning (of course no matter what time of day it is)! I have 4 questions for you, let’s see if you studied for the test...

Patient: (most of the time, chuckle)

Me: Have you had a fever in the last 48 hours?

Patient: No

Me: Have you had a persistent cough recently?

Patient: No

Me: Have you been tested for COVID-19 recently?

Patient (sometimes): Yes

Me: Do you know the results of the test?

Patient (about 85% of the time): Negative

Me: You don’t know the results of the test? (Straight face behind mask)

Patient: It was negative

Me: (smile and chuckle showing through mask)

Patient: Ohhhh! I get it! (Laughs 95% of the time)

Me: Dad jokes have to happen... πŸ™‚

/insert question #4 here, unrelated to said joke... heh

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cidici
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the negatively charged chlorine atom say when uranium tried to take its electron?

I’m keeping my ion U

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/McFlyLikeAnEagle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I have a jar where I put 50 cents in for every time I have a negative thought

It’s half empty

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Akorical
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
How come blind Hispanic people are so negative?

Because they can’t sΓ­.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OuchItDoesntFit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
🚨︎ report
There was a man who despised negative numbers...

He’ll stop at NOTHING to avoid them!

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

πŸ‘︎ 154
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kattykat21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Double negatives.

Double negatives are a real no-no.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Risperdali
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
John Travolta tested negative for covid last night.

turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iloveoldmonk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Bill Gates meets Arnold Schwarzenneger at a party and asks him if he's upgraded to Windows 10 yet? Big Arnie replies.......

"Ah still love Vista Baby....."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ipoointhepool
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
🚨︎ report
My friends ask me why do I see the world with so much negativity.

I tell them that I am short-sighted.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I told Bill Withers, β€œAin’t No Sunshine is a double negative. That’s bad grammar.”

He said, β€œI know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know...”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jewyouevenlift
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife is so negative

I remembered the car seat, the stroller, and the diaper bag, but all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mechanicfantic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Mate was feeling down so I told him there's a positive and negative to everything, you just gotta find it...

Poor fella can't even put batteries in right....

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BaccyBuegs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I hate charging batteries.

It’s revolting.

πŸ‘︎ 407
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Negative one times negative one

Felt like posting something positive today

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GISteve
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked my daughter if she had taken a bath yet and sarcastically she says yeah, so I tell her to take another one.

Her attitude stinks.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WeComeFromTheDust
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Deeply exhaling indicates a negative mood.

At least that's what the sighentists say.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the mathematician that hated negative numbers?

He’d stop at nothing to stay away from them

πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IamGrooot77
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
2019: stay away from negative people

2020:stay away from positive people

πŸ‘︎ 234
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/popcorn_21
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I just saw a sea bird with a really negative attitude...

it was a PELI-CAN'T!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eat-rainbows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the appeal in being negative all the time?

This isn't a dad joke--I really want to no.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotoriousPVC
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type

As he died, he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.

πŸ‘︎ 20k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
An English professor was telling his class that a double negative makes a positive, but there was no case in which a double positive creates a negative.

From the back of the room a Physics professor said, "Yeah, yeah."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone keeps asking me that why am I such a pessimist all the time

I keep telling them that it's in my blood, be negative.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
🚨︎ report
After getting a lot of negative reviews due to their rather poor string section, the LAPD Police Band decided to lose all the strings from their performances.

It was finally the long-awaited end of police violins.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OlaviVirtahepo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My test came back negative!

Too bad it was my IQ test.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisprater6986
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a sweet person with a negative outlook?

A pepsimist

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trevb75
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
There was an exposure at the Kodak store today

It will take some time to get the full picture.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zerglet13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Just heard that the Energizer Bunny has been arrested

He's been charged with battery

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What blood type does an optimist have?

A…B positive

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlGeee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you guys hear about the robot who got arrested?

He was charged with battery

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/natteulven
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
The punny side of r/antimeme
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kanamuna24
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
The teacher asked if anyone knew the square root of negative one...

So I shouted β€œI”

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MattAmpersand
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I am terrified of negative numbers...

I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I hate negative numbers in math.

I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chairlegnumber4
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the mathematician that was afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/st_jimmy_02
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night

Turns out it was just saturday night fever

(Taking advantage of a very narrow humour window!)

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TwoAdenine
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I hate negative numbers.

I will stop at nothing to avoid going into negative numbers.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Feels_Bad_Man19
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.

It’s currently half empty.

πŸ‘︎ 704
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Whenever I have a pessimistic thought, I put some money in it.

it's currently half empty

πŸ‘︎ 285
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers ?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them

πŸ‘︎ 126
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IveyRoney
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

πŸ‘︎ 375
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ntuso
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

Hell stop at nothing to avoid them

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pakistani_pizza
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.