Needlessly Puns

I’m about to ruin this man’s hole career.

He was my roll model.

My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”

Needless to say I was in stitches.

He got his snickers in a twix.

https://preview.redd.it/eo2x1kwiutm11.png?width=2014&format=png&auto=webp&s=fd5e00bbd44ef164a557451f895889611c9075ce

Me: "Dad, what are you going to do when your PS4 arrives?"

Dad: "Turn it on."

It's needless.

Did you hear, Jesus and a couple of 2x4s walked into a bar. They got hammered together.

I don't know what her problem was, I think dad nailed it.

My wife: Why? Me: Ha, Gotye there.

Needless to say, I'm sleeping on the couch tonight.

Needless to say, I ignored all the neigh sayers.

Needless to say I was starving, as fate would have it a ripe piece fell down right at my feet. Startled I called out “well I guess it’s on the house!” To my amazement the stalk came to life and said “Nonsense! It’s on the cob!”

Needless to say, he's not a Catholic anymore.

Needless to say, my plans were foiled

Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.

Needless to say, he got sucker punched

Needless to say, I seaweed everyday

I dreamt that I was a tailpipe, needless to say when I woke up I was exhausted

Needless to say, she was not empressed.

So my girlfriend asked me to help her brush her hair cause she said it was knotty. This is our conversation

GF: Hey can you brush my hair real quick? It's knotty.

ME: Sure but let me slip into something more comfortable.

GF: Why?

ME: Cause it's naughty (also had my best sexy face on)

GF: ... Ugh...

Needless to say she's brushed it herself.

Needless to say... he was bamboozled

"Are you excited to color eggs?"

"I guess you could say I was egg-cited! Wah-wah-WAAAAAH!"

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

Needless to say he was pretty cool.

(True Dad Joke Story)

My friend and I were coming back from golfing on what felt like the hottest day of the year when he got a flat tire on the freeway. We get out, sweat our butts off, and change the tire. I wasn’t sure how far we could go on the spare and I called my dad to see what he thought...

ME: “How far can we get on a donut?”

DAD: “Hmmm I’d probably say till lunch time!”

Needless to say I was not amused at the time - my dad thought he was a genius.

Needless to say, I’m not a big fan.

Her: I was thinking about making a belt out of watches.

Me: Oh yea? That would look really cool!

Her: Nah, I realised it'd be a waist of time.

Needless to say, she's a keeper (of time)

Girlfriend: I bought some new needles at target earlier. Me: That's cool baby. Are they good needles or are they just....sew sew.

Son: Dad, what are flying pigs actually called?

Me: I think they're just called flying pigs.

Son: No, it's a Pigasus!

Needless to say, I was very proud. Even my wife laughed.

So my uncle picked me up from my boyfriends after work tonight, and asked how my day went. I explained to him that there was a snake and one of the dogs I take care of was protecting me and trying to warn me about said snake. This is how everything went down:

Uncle: it was probably a gopher snake.

Me: very true. We had a lot of them in Texas so I’m not too worried.

Uncle: you know, that’s how you ask for it.

Me: what do you mean?

Uncle: when you ask for something to eat you say ‘I could GO-PHER snake right about now’.

Needless to say we finished the ride with more horrid dad jokes.

The song playing from my phone said something about growing old and my brother responded with this gem: "You always hear about people growing old, but they never talk about harvesting it."

Needless to say headshakes were had.

EDIT: Spelling.

Needless to say, I was shocked.

So my dad and I were walking down the waterfront after getting fish and chips, and we walked past an antique shop. We hadn't been to this area in a while.

Dad: It's been ages since I've been in there.

Me: Well they don't have anything new.

Needless to say he had a chuckle.

needless to say, shawty got l'eau

Needless to say, a lot of spit went down.

Needless to say, Iran.

Needless to say, I'm ex-static.

Needless to say, I’m ecstatic.

At the snowball stand they had a sign that said no bills larger than 20. My Dad pulls out a $100 bill and a $20 dollar bill and compares them in size and argues. Needless to say, she didn’t budge, I laughed though

...needless to say, he lost his sh*t.

Needless to say I have a chip on my shoulder.

Needless to say, I PEed in my pants.

Didn't say it, because it's needless.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."