I told my wife I saw a deer on the way to work.
She said how do you know he was headed to work?
π︎ 6k
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︎ May 07 2021
My dad wanted to post something on Reddit and I told him thereβs specific subs he would want to post on and certain ways to post
And he responded βoh so thereβs reddiquette to it thenβ
(Also heβs on Reddit now so if he sees this then hi dad)
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︎ May 04 2021
Thereβs no way anyone can make spaghetti better than my Mom.
π︎ 20
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︎ May 21 2021
This ice truck on my way to work.
π︎ 16
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︎ May 07 2021
I called my wife and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home.
She just grunted. I think she regrets letting me name the twins.
π︎ 264
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︎ May 05 2021
Got drunk yesterday and puked in the elevator on my way back home.
It was disgusting on so many levels.
π︎ 258
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︎ Apr 29 2021
I'm making my way up in the Housekeeping Mafia.
π︎ 5
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︎ Jun 06 2021
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, βAn evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I donβt know what to do!β Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...heβs really a big lyre.
π︎ 35
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︎ Apr 02 2021
I got into a fight with my brother on the way to church today because he was positive that Jesus was an Intel processor guy....
When anybody with half a brain clearly knows he has a Ryzen
π︎ 22
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︎ Apr 04 2021
My friend: Did you heard about the Italian man who died recently, he pasta way
Me: Thats very sad. Venice the funeral?
(Please excuse my poor english as it is not my first language)
Edit: I am not a dad, I am a 15 year old teen
Edit 2: Thank you u/Mnt2bdaddy for the wholesome award.
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︎ Jan 14 2021
My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.
Me: βHow do you know it was going to school?β
π︎ 4k
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︎ Oct 17 2020
I got lost on my way to the store because I was...
π︎ 12
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︎ Feb 12 2021
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, βDad get out of the way!β
I said, βYouβre the ones blocking!β
π︎ 16k
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︎ Jun 27 2020
Not my joke in any way but thought people might like it.
π︎ 40
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︎ Jan 28 2021
I threw an engagement ring at my girlfriend, but she dodged out of the way.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Sep 30 2020
I donβt know what way I should prepare my eggs for breakfast this morning.
I am having an eggsistential crisis, here.
π︎ 8
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︎ Mar 05 2021
My x wife hated the way I organized everything
Hopefully my y wife wonβt be my last.
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 09 2021
Can someone recommend a better way of de-icing my windshield?
I used a discount card but I only got 20% off.
π︎ 6
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︎ Feb 22 2021
I was diagnosed with Dunlaps Disease shortly after feasting my way through the holiday season...
Yep, my belly dunlaps over my belt.
π︎ 9
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︎ Feb 02 2021
On the way to the therapist, I told my wife, βYou are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, arenβt you?β
She said, βYeah.β
I said, βI knew it!β
π︎ 62
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︎ Jan 27 2021
Me and my Dad were in a car on our way to go hunting and saw a sign....
It said bear left, so we went home.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 12 2021
I wouldnβt say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 24 2021
My co-workers and I would suffer from wrist pain when we would drive through a mountain on our way to work together
We were diagnosed with carpool tunnel syndrome
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 23 2021
Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed?
π︎ 10k
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︎ Apr 16 2020
Made this a while ago when I had way too much time on my hands
π︎ 30
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︎ Dec 07 2020
I recently switched from using mayonnaise to using butter for making grilled cheese sandwiches. My wife said she liked them more with the butter, but kindly asked me if it was more work this way?
I answered: "It is, but only margarinely more."
Note: this really happened.
π︎ 355
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︎ Jul 28 2020
I got into this huge fight with my chiropractor half way through my neck massage.
Now I have to keep looking over my shoulder.
π︎ 47
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︎ Dec 05 2020
I swear stairs are gonna be my d o w n fall, the way they keep s t a i r i n g at me...
π︎ 3k
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︎ Feb 06 2020
Everyone laughed when they saw the way my barber styled me...
But I liked my new hardehardo.
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 06 2020
My son said, βDad, when you were young, was the landline the only way you could communicate with each other?β
I said, βNo. Get your fax straight.β
π︎ 1k
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︎ Jun 21 2020
One of my friends asked "what's the best way to cook an alligator?"
π︎ 151
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︎ Sep 20 2020
I called my wife and told her I'd pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she's not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Jan 26 2020
A bug hit my windshield on the way to work this morning
I said βI bet you donβt have the guts to do that againβ
π︎ 27
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︎ Nov 17 2020
My wife gave birth to our son in our car on the way to the hospital
π︎ 12
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︎ Nov 26 2020
I'm sticking with/to my guns. It makes sense either way
π︎ 75
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︎ Aug 04 2020
Found a way to stop my dog from barking in the front garden....
I put it in the back garden.
π︎ 7
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︎ Nov 19 2020
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
π︎ 11
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︎ Dec 02 2020
Just got lowballed. $5 for my guitar. Best way to respond?
π︎ 7
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︎ Sep 12 2020
My friend announced that he parkoured his way to the top of a pub, but nobody cared.
After all, it was a low bar to climb.
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 08 2020
I told my niece that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.
She said, "How do you know it was on itβs way to work?β
π︎ 512
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︎ May 04 2021
My wife said she saw a deer on the way to work today.
I said, that can't be true, deer don't work.
π︎ 42
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︎ Mar 02 2021
My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.
Me: βHow do you know it was going to school?β
π︎ 117
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︎ Jan 14 2021
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, βAn evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I donβt know what to do!β Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...heβs really a big lyre.
π︎ 6k
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︎ Apr 29 2020
Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed...
π︎ 60
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︎ Nov 18 2020
Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Mar 27 2020
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