My friend: Did you heard about the Italian man who died recently, he pasta way
Me: Thats very sad. Venice the funeral?
(Please excuse my poor english as it is not my first language)
Edit: I am not a dad, I am a 15 year old teen
Edit 2: Thank you u/Mnt2bdaddy for the wholesome award.
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︎ Jan 14 2021
My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.
Me: βHow do you know it was going to school?β
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︎ Jan 14 2021
Me and my Dad were in a car on our way to go hunting and saw a sign....
It said bear left, so we went home.
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︎ Jan 12 2021
I threw an engagement ring at my girlfriend, but she dodged out of the way.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Sep 30 2020
My bandmates are getting way to fat
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︎ Nov 28 2020
Made this a while ago when I had way too much time on my hands
π︎ 27
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︎ Dec 07 2020
I got into this huge fight with my chiropractor half way through my neck massage.
Now I have to keep looking over my shoulder.
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︎ Dec 05 2020
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, βDad get out of the way!β
I said, βYouβre the ones blocking!β
π︎ 16k
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︎ Jun 27 2020
Everyone laughed when they saw the way my barber styled me...
But I liked my new hardehardo.
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︎ Dec 06 2020
Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed...
π︎ 60
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︎ Nov 18 2020
A bug hit my windshield on the way to work this morning
I said βI bet you donβt have the guts to do that againβ
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︎ Nov 17 2020
My wife gave birth to our son in our car on the way to the hospital
π︎ 10
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︎ Nov 26 2020
My friend announced that he parkoured his way to the top of a pub, but nobody cared.
After all, it was a low bar to climb.
π︎ 8
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︎ Dec 08 2020
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
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︎ Dec 02 2020
Found a way to stop my dog from barking in the front garden....
I put it in the back garden.
π︎ 8
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︎ Nov 19 2020
I recently switched from using mayonnaise to using butter for making grilled cheese sandwiches. My wife said she liked them more with the butter, but kindly asked me if it was more work this way?
I answered: "It is, but only margarinely more."
Note: this really happened.
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︎ Jul 28 2020
Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!
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︎ Nov 21 2020
One of my friends asked "what's the best way to cook an alligator?"
π︎ 146
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︎ Sep 20 2020
My dad has a way with words.
I think its time for him to join the Dad's Poet Society.
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︎ Nov 05 2020
I went to sit down in my dads truck, but there were some wooden stands in the way. "What do I do?" I asked. He replied:
"Put the horses in the back."
I hate the song but it made me laugh
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︎ Nov 18 2020
My son said, βDad, when you were young, was the landline the only way you could communicate with each other?β
I said, βNo. Get your fax straight.β
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︎ Jun 21 2020
You want to know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
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︎ Nov 10 2020
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, βAn evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I donβt know what to do!β Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...heβs really a big lyre.
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︎ Apr 29 2020
Just got lowballed. $5 for my guitar. Best way to respond?
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︎ Sep 12 2020
I'm sticking with/to my guns. It makes sense either way
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︎ Aug 04 2020
I swear stairs are gonna be my d o w n fall, the way they keep s t a i r i n g at me...
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︎ Feb 06 2020
My kid wanted to join the orchestra. I said "sorry, but you're way too young for thatβ¦"
"β¦it has a lot of sax and violins."
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︎ Sep 13 2020
The guy who did my urinalysis made way too many jokes to be a professional
It was a complete pisstake
π︎ 11
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︎ Sep 09 2020
My daughter's teacher gave her a project to write the English alphabet on slips of paper. Unfortunately 25 letter slips got wrinkled on her way to school.
But atleast she has a smoothie
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︎ Sep 24 2020
My bee neighbors are so annoying, they talk way too much.
They just drone on and on.
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︎ Oct 08 2020
I called my wife and told her I'd pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she's not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Jan 26 2020
I was watching a live performance when the floor gave way and one of the actors fell through. My wife asked if I thought they were ok.
I said Iβm sure theyβre fine, itβs just a stage theyβre going through.
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︎ Sep 22 2020
Phoned my wife and said, "Unbelievable...on the way to the bowling alley my tyre went flat."
"Have you got a spare?" she questioned.
"Honey," I sighed, "I'm not at the bowling alley yet."
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︎ Aug 07 2020
I was passed by a truck full of donkeys on my way home
It was really hauling ass
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︎ Sep 18 2020
Whatβs the best way to get to the capital of Senegal? (From my 8 yr old son)
π︎ 69
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︎ Jul 26 2020
I stumbled/fell on my way up the stairs today.
Girlfriends reaction "OMG did you hurt yourself?"
"No, but I felt the gravity of the situation"
Her response was attempted murder by trying to push me down the stairs
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︎ Sep 12 2020
My friend was pregnant and had the baby in car on her way to the hospital
her husband named him "Carson"
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︎ Aug 31 2020
My wife asked if I would like to BBQ some brats for dinner. I said, βNo way, babe.β
βBrats are the wurst.β
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︎ Sep 05 2020
I stopped at the bakery on my way to the park to feed the pigeons and a couple of them died!
I killed two birds with one scone.
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︎ Sep 01 2020
Michael J Fox hacked his way into my old iPhone
Heβs looking for The Secret of my 6S
π︎ 11
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︎ Jul 29 2020
I locked my door on the way in, but when I looked back, it was slightly ajar
π︎ 66
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︎ Mar 23 2020
My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.
Me: βHow do you know it was going to school?β
π︎ 4k
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︎ Oct 17 2020
Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed?
π︎ 10k
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︎ Apr 16 2020
Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed
π︎ 3k
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︎ Mar 27 2020
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
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︎ Sep 22 2020
My wife recently gave birth on the way to the hospital.
π︎ 70
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︎ May 29 2020
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
π︎ 3
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︎ Aug 19 2020
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