I live next to the rubbish dump and have a huge fly problem, the bloody things are everywhere. It's gotten so bad I've decided to sell my house and move...

to a no-fly zone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2021
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Today morning when I stood on the weighing scale it didn't move at all

I was like 0MG

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oakvard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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My friend said that its impossible for a river to move through the desert.

I told him he was in deNile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/javerthugo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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What do you call it when you move a rabbit from one spot to another?

A hare transplant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trtlman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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"Move it! Yer Turtle-y blocking the road!" v.redd.it/dq9sg5g25l941
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaz_Man
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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My IT friend asks me. "What is fast but doesn't move?"

"What?"

"A solid state drive."

"Have you and your wife considered kids?..."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reynk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2016
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I made a bicycle by folding up some paper in my desk drawer. It doesn't move though - it's a stationery bike.
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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If a guy moves to a country because it's flag is big plus, but does not become a citizen of said country,

Does that make him Swede-ish?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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After years of trying I have decided to give up on my life long dream of becoming a world renowned spaghetti chef. It’s time to move on and stop living in ...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darlosworld
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
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If the air moves fast, is it the windy 500?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShrekIsMyDad27
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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I wanted to see if my snail would move faster without the it's shell

but it wasn't any less sluggish then before.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gnhhjmmnnbggh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
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If you are cold, DONT TOUCH MY THERMOSTAT! Just move your bed to the corner of your room where its 90 degrees.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/satirical_whit
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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Sometimes I just stare at an egg and be happy that it doesn't have to move for survival !

Isn't that egg-static?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bad378
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
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I have a poster of the clown from it in my house that I move everyday.

Cause I like to move it , move it. I like to move it, move it.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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Wife asked me to move the car in case it got towed
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πŸ‘€︎ u/argjin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2018
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It's the size of a needle, but it moves like a sewing machine.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hellABunk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2018
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I've invented something that will waterproof your building as it moves between floors!

Let me give you the elevator pitch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/levenfyfe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...

I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dens382
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
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Whenever I go near my bed in VR it moves 4 feet into the wall...

It must be a Bed bug.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SquishySquashy_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2018
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I'm going to move to West London. I'm really going to do it, I'm going to be a man of action.

Sorry, a man of Acton.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardFM
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2017
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Why couldn't the dog move it's car?

Because he left it in bark.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/peterqub
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2018
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What do you call it when two halflings move in together?

Cohobbitation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nathaxium
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2018
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What makes it's way around a prison, yet it never moves?

A fence

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πŸ‘€︎ u/woodceilingfan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2017
🚨︎ report
Not sure if this counts (but its totally a dad move)

My wife and daughter picked me up from work today.

As I'm turning to lock the door, my daughter wants to race me.

'Hold on a sec so I can lock the door'

Then I asked her if she wants to take my keys out of the lock. As soon as she does, I take off for the car.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/red3biggs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2015
🚨︎ report
Helping my father in law move his gun safe when it slipped slightly and bruised my bicep.

"That gun safe didn't keep my guns safe."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thanas1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2014
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