In the gym today, guy is having to get his lock cut off because he lost his key. Joke around with guy for a bit because i have done the same.
As he is walking away....
Him: "you have a good day man"
Me: "you too, better lock next time"
I hear him groan, look to the guy next to me with a dumbass smile on my face and he rolled his eyes. Hahaha
My wife got something in her eye and grabbed the first towel she could find which happened to be my shower towel. She says
"Great I'm probably rubbing my eyes right where you had your balls"
Me: "yup, now you have eye balls"
Because she became trans-parent
Now cow.
What about one obsessed with the stock market?
Dow cow.
Finally, what about an exciteable one?
Wow! Cow!
They've been keeping me off the street for years
I was going through the Starbucks drive through and had the best on-the-spot dad joke moment with the guy taking my order.
Starbucks Guy: Can I get a name for the order?
Me: It's Mike.
SG: Hey, the last guy who came through here was also Mike.
Me: Yeah, I know. We're all connected together. You know how we communicate?
SG: ...
Me: Through microwaves.
Edit: I hear all you people talking about microphones. I’m not talking about microwave ovens. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Microwave
No, it doesn’t.
I'm driving with my 14 year old down the highway and there is a billboard that reads "Love > Dementia"
My son: "I don't remember seeing that billboard before."
Me: "Really? It's been up there for awhi....dammit...I hate you."
when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.
There we reached rock bottom.
Complex as they may seem, they always keep it real.
My wife asked me where the towels were drying and I replied they were hanging "on the fence". I paused for a few seconds and said "I hope they can make up their mind"
Spilled red wine all over my side-couch table and the book I was reading. My sister in law (over for the holidays) grabbed the book, (already soaked with Cabernet) I told her “you can keep it, but it’s already half RED” I was so proud of myself but got not a single chuckle. I knew this was the place to report my major dad joke accomplishment. Edit*
By the way, I work in hospice and the book was “ “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande. It’s an amazing read for anyone facing end of life. If it is you, or someone you love. Not to abuse my post,but it’s a best read! I am in no way associated or benefiting from any sales of this book.
I followed with, "I guess that makes sense since E-Woks on them." I laughed myself silly and even the husband and kids applauded my efforts. Takes ginormous bow😁😂
I'm keeping my dad company on the 9 hour drive to my dad's sisters funeral. Can you give me your best dad jokes and puns to help break the monotony!
The only one I've told him so far is
What does a man with a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have In common?
Their balls are both decorative.
On a stool…..
His answers were just as brief:"Hut, Hutt, Hike!"
to make ends meat.
To which I responded "Nope, still just the same two he started with!" to which 8 people collectively paused then groaned. I think I've peaked.
His legs are stuck on paws
ill be seeing blue bullets with orange tips everywhere.
"I'll cover these two, you go on ahead."
“Ahh, this takes me back.”
I walked by while my wife and daughter were watching a Rom-Com on TV. In the movie a hunk of a guy walked by the female lead, who said "Be still my beating heart." I yelled - "Don't, you'll die!" My daughter laughed and my wife rolled her eyes. So I think that counts.
But It's not time yet
Turnip the volume please, honey.
I think I’ll call it a day.
It was stuck in a crack.
“man, that was tiring”
and then he asked “see what I did there?” A torch has been passed…
[removed]
She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
I could tell the moment she walked right through the door.
My daughter (9) was putting on a puppet show for us when my son (11) walked in and interrupted saying: “I’m bored”
The puppet turned to him and said: “Hi bored. I’m Bear Bear.”
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”
“We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
and you notice that suddenly, your neighbor is crushing them.
