A Blunt Force Korma
Uno.... Dos..... Poof
He disappeared without a tres
Horse radish.
It's a real irri-tater.
The zoo tour guide told us that one of the snakes was sick. I blurted out "he must have a reptile dysfunction".
Hopefully it'll be a dry hump day.
Waiter; Sir, you are drinking 7up.
I guess you could also call it a con.
She really jumped into the Frey.
There was nothing left but de Brie.
But now I stand corrected
Because they had a fight and 71
But I treated it before it got a toe hold.
Wife's eyes almost rolled over completely when I laid that one on her.
When he got there, a woman extended her hand.
"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"
Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."
They walked over to her desk and sat down.
"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"
"Oh, just call me Kermit."
"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"
"Ten thousand dollars."
Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.
"Do you have any references?"
"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."
Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...
"THE Keith Richards?"
"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."
"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"
"Excuse me?"
"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."
"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."
Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our amphibious friend.
"What's this?"
"It's a Hummel."
"A what?"
"A Hummel. They're supposed to be quite valuable. Well, at least this one is to me."
She picked up the Hummel and stood up.
"If you don't mind, I would like to show this to the manager."
"Oh, no! I don't mind at all!"
So, Patricia took the Hummel to the manager's office, knocked on the door, and walked inside.
"Patricia! What can I do for you?"
"Mr. Wilson, there's this... frog named Kermit at my desk, and he wants to borrow $10,000, but he has only this for collateral."
Mr. Wilson looked at the Hummel, then out to her desk.
"I don't see anything out of order here."
"But, Mr. Wilson--"
"Look, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
I was introducing my Singaporean friend to my dad and after a short silence he asked "So do you sing well? or do you Singapore?" Thankfully we both laughed.
(in church)
the priest: 'Let us pray.'
my dad: 'They do?'
^lettuce ^pray
^^ha
Dunlap Disease:
Everytime we pass a fairly overweight person, he says:
Him: "Poor guy, he's got Dunlap's Disease. His belly done lapped over his pants."
Dicky-Do Disease:
Him: "Poor guy, he's got the Dicky-do Disease. His stomach pokes farther out than his dicky do."
My father-in-law, ladies and gents.
So this needs a little backstory.
About 10 years ago my wife and I went to see the comedian Jim Gaffigan in Santa Rosa, CA where we live. About 2/3 the way through his set, he did an old Steve Martin bit. I leaned over to my wife and said quietly (or so I thought,) "Steve Martin called, he wants his bit back."
Apparently Mr. Gaffigan heard me, because he did the last 1/3 of his set staring at his shoes.
Flash forward to last night. We were at a public event with TONS of people, loud music, dancing, whatever. Some guy walked by wearing an outrageously funny outfit, and I leaned very close to my wife's ear to make a comment about it. She mildly upset and said, "Don't do a Jim Gaffigan," she said.
I blinked and leaned in again and said, clearly: "You mean...Don't make a Jim Gaffe Again?"
image: https://31.media.tumblr.com/725cf4e89a1212f5558bb1ed026d3b8c/tumblr_mx3zjkdF8S1rf7lz2o1_500.jpg
original thread: http://www.reddit.com/r/TheLastAirbender/comments/1s4vff/dad_jokes/
They're both tender and mild.
No you didn't. Two Wongs doesn't make one Wright.
Also, edit before anyone sees this: Yes, it's spelled quadruplet. I'm mildly drunk and I can't edit the title.
I been fooling around with this girl who's 5'9" and 110lbs.
Me: I don't understand how you're so skinny; we both eat the same unhealthy garbage
Her: It's hereditary, everyone in my family is real skinny.
Me: So I guess you've got skinny genes!
I laughed hysterically. She was mildly amused.
So my mom asked my dad about a family friend who is having a baby, she asked what his name was gunna be and after some mild mom research she figures out his name is Finley. Without hesitation my dad says “well, at least he’s going to be a hell of a swimmer” and I’ll be damned if I didn’t look at him and giggle a tad.
Don't worry, it's only mild.
Yes, else they would be mildly disappointing.
My dad and I were talking about my job at a camp and I was complaining about one of my coworkers who was mildly annoying. He also happens to be a "little person."
Me: He just gets on my nerves because he can't take a joke.
Dad: You know why that is?
Me: No, why?
Dad: They all go over his head.
My dad just asked me to call him, he had loat his phone, so i proceeded to say "dad??" He said yes, i said dad louder, he said yes i yelled dad, he got annoyed and said yes and mid sentence his face went from mildly annoyed to laughing
I shall call it the "Holy Infant" because it will be tender and mild.
He really wants to impress her, so he decides to rent a tux. However, when he gets to the rental place, people are queued up out the door. He doesn't let this stop him, though. He takes his place in line and gets to waiting.
Finally, after waiting for over an hour, he gets fitted and pays for the rental. Relieved, he heads to the florist for a corsage, only to discover that the line there is also out the door, and halfway around the block, to boot!
Miffed, he mutters some mild obscenities, but he is determined to see this through, so he waits for almost 2 hours before finally being able to buy the flowers he picked out.
It's now the night of the dance, and he's ready to go. He picks her up, and they head to the event. When they arrive, his date immediately asks him if he can grab her a drink - she's absolutely parched! Still determined to make this the best night of her life, he dutifully makes his way to the other side of the venue, where he discovers, much to his surprise...
There's no punch line.
"Oh you mean the time of the Chinese dentist?" Mildly racist and painful. Thanks dad.
Backstory: I play in a small band that does a "tour" of southern Wisconsin every year. The bands name is the Petty Thieves. This is my first year with them, but every year they come up with a tour name and make nice t-shirts and material with the tour name on them. Last two tour names were "Sticky Fingers" and "Busted!" We are looking for something related to the band name. Something clever and crime related. If it has mild sexual innuendo, all the better, but not overtly obscene. Some tour names we came up with are: Five Finger Discount, Backdoor Tour, Snatching Kisses, Kissing Snatches, Robbing the Cradle, Something something Miss Demeanors, Spread 'em, Felonious Funk, Unlawful Entry, Rhymes against Humanity, etc...
If you have anything punny, please throw it out there. Top 3 upvoted names get reddit gold. If we use your tour name, I'l send you the tshirt. Thanks kind sirs!
My student asked this:
I'm looking for a violinist and a photographer for my wedding, any ideas?
My response:
Have the violinist play music and the photographer take some photographs.
We are remodeling my grandmother's house. This includes a new toilet. My dad entered my room today giggling. He replied, still giggling, that my mother was in a rage. After some prodding for explanation, he finally told me that, and I quote, "they only gave her half a toilet."
Now, I'm thinking the tank was in one box and the bottom half was in another, and they only gave her one box. In any case, when worded this way, it IS kind of funny. So, I giggle too. But dad didn't stop there. We laugh for a bit, and then he grins even wider and says:
"I got to thinking, you know, we have a lot of half-ass people around here..."
And that, readers, is how a fairly routine mishap went from "mildly funny" to "too groanworthy to be anything but hilarious".
You edit the devil out of it.
(Substitute "hell" for devil for a less mild take on it. My choirboy sensibilities just couldn't handle it.)
Dad: Why is cheese is so great? Child: Why? Dad: Because son/daughter, it's the greater than most things! Child: Honesty Dad: Sorry, was that too sharp of a joke for you? Child: Dad Dad: Oh my bad, was it too mild for you? Child:Walks out of the room Dad: I think I milked it a little more than I should have.
don't worry it's only mild
