Bow before the all mighty
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_y0uR_m0M
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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I thought these surgical pants were mighty loose in the hips and long in the legs!

Sorry, wrong scrub.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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I took a drive to Des Moines to see the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.

It was my first Iowa ska trip.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/josiahbeast
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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Ozymandias, king of kings, had a very capable army of snakes.

He is best known for the quote:
β€œLook on my worms, ye Mighty, and despair!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinBender
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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Goldberg from The Mighty Ducks movies has been using methamphetamine for a while apparently.

I thought he was just a quack addict.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiggerNick9
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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For me, the urge to sing β€œThe Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away...

...a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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The girl at the copy store is mighty hot and is a new romantic interest. I introduced myself but forgot her name.

So I just call her prints-ess

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
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Mighty mighty
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GTech
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
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No homophobe.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MShafiS
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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The conch soup at the Jamaican restaurant was mighty expensive....

But customers were happy to shell out the cash for it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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I would really like to meet The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

Someday, I Suppose...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Billo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
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Thor, riding his mighty war horse, β€œI am Thor! I am Thor!”

Horse: That’s because you don’t have a thaddle, idiot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2018
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A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".

I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommZ5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
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I said to a young pirate, "You look mighty young to be a buccaneer."

But I must have been wrong; he said, "I'm eighty."

(Aye, matey)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kytsuine
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2017
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[Request] Cone-Based Band Names

I'm looking for band names that involve the word cone (specifically traffic cones). A few examples I have come up with are "The Rolling Cones," "Earth Wind and Cone," and "The Conas Brothers." I'm sure there are lots of good ones that I'm not thinking of.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Devosity28
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2018
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A List of Puns (and other excuses for good humor)

Me: You got the goods?

Dealer: I have an alloy of iron and carbon for only $1.

Me: My, what a steel!

Guy: Hey, wanna hear my joke?

Boxer: I dunno, man. People always say I ruin their punchline.

Teacher: What are the four components of DNA?

Student: Actually, there are five: Adenine, cytosine, guanine, thymine--

Teacher: Oh? And the fifth one?

Student: I got I got I got I got...

Me (metric): Why does America use the imperial system? It's stupid.

Friend (imperial): Actually, other places use the imperial system.

Me: Which other places?

Friend: The Galactic Empire.

Guy: I hate spam.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

...

Someone: Son of a gun...

Someone Else: Now you've just pistoled me off!

Okay, I know these are not the greatest puns ever, but this is my first post in this subreddit. Anyway, now here are the explanations:

Joke 1 - An alloy of carbon and iron is popularly referred to as steel, and stainless steel costs $2.41, in which the item receives a 58.51% reduction in cost, which is a mighty bargain, also known as a steal.

Joke 2 - Boxing is a sport in which your only goal is to knock your opponent out through a series of punches. The ending or twist of a joke is commonly referred to as the punchline of said joke.

Joke 3 - Check out Kendrick Lamar's DNA song.

Joke 4 - Troops and personnel of the Galactic Empire from Star Wars are commonly referred to as the Imperials.

Joke 5 - Spam musubi, or just spam, is a type of sushi. On the internet, spam is referred to as the repetition of a specific message, especially when emailing, to annoy or advertise a product/website to someone.

Joke 6 - The phrase, "Son of a gun", is a friendlier alternative to the phrase, "Son of a bitch!" Also, when you annoy someone, that means that you pissed them off, which sounds a bit like "pistoled".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/U2BURR
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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A Dad joke planted as a seed, which took 17 years to flower.

Not quite as tragic, but it manifested into something which has haunted me at my job for years.

When I was a little kid learning about the world around me, my dad was naturally the font of all knowledge for me, He would answer all of little snippersmith's questions with his own unique insights and anecdotes teaching me of my surroundings with varying degrees of accuracy.

One day In a picture book, I encountered a photo of one of natures most bizarre creatures, the mighty duck billed platypus. Filled with curiosity of this bizarre creature and an Inability to read a young snippersmith asked his father what this creature was called, To which his father replied,

That's a Quackopotamous.....

As is a highly likely situation in day to day life the Platypus (or indeed the Quackopotamous), did not come into conversation for another 17 years, Until of course the Platypus came into conversation around the lunch table at a now grown up snippersmith's full time place of work.

I have not been allowed to forget I thought the Platypus was called a Quackopotamous, Indeed I am reminded on a daily basis by my colleagues, by my nickname Quackopotamous .

Thanks Dad.

EDIT 1: Holy Cow this took off! Gold! thank you so much.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snippersmith
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2016
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I saw my dad with an axe and he was running to me and I screamed.

After he said that he wanna be Mighty Thor and he wanna show me his new look. (We saw Endgame the day before)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkWarrior703
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
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A boy and his dad walk in a hospital

They see laying on a bed a man with no arms

Dad: Don’t approach him son! This man lost his arms in a mighty struggle and is dangerous!

Man without arms: Don’t worry guys, I’m armless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joujoubox
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, β€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, β€œNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, β€œThen I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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If Caitlyn Jenner was a superhero...

Would she be with theX-Men or Transfomers?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/doogsie125
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
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Hear about the TV Actor from Power Rangers getting arrested?

Picked up earlier this week on drug charges. He's a Mighty Morphine Powder Ranger.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
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I bought a shirt that makes me feel empowered.

It's mighty.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Couldbeurmom
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
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Hopalong Happychopper walks into the saloon and the bartender says, "Howdy stranger, ain't seen you in these parts, so you must be here to watch the hanging!" Hopalong looks the bartender menacingly in the eyes and replies, "Nope, but seeing we're talking, who are you hanging?"

The bartender responds, "Well, ain't you heard cowboy, we gonna string up Brown Paper Rattler mighty high, even the angels are gonna hear his neck break!"

Hopalong asks, "Why they call him Brown Paper Rattler?"

The bartender chuckles, "Why, old Rattler wears a brown paper Stetson, a brown paper waistcoat and even right down to brown paper socks."

Puzzled, Hopalong then asks, "So why you hanging him?"

...and the bartender replies, "For rustling."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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Little Red Riding Hood was arrested yesterday in Montana

The judge told her she was going to hell in a hand basket.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marcuccione
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2017
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My coworker uses this dad joke almost every day
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2013
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Our Hero

Our hero is rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero lives in Marree, South Australia. He hears about a job opportunity in Darwin, so goes to his car to drive the 3,100 ks to Darwin. One problem, his car won't start.

This is no problem for our hero, because he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He walks to Darwin.

When he gets there, the bosses love him, and offer him the job on the spot.

"One problem," they say "The job is in Cape Town, and all air traffic has been halted because of the cyclones"

No problem for our hero. He's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero gets on the boat to travel the 11,000 ks to Cape Town.

Not far into the journey, the boat hits a storm and capsizes. No problems for our hero, he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He starts swimming.

In the open ocean, a container ship spots him, and offers to help.

"One problem," the captain says over the loud speaker, "There's no rope".

No problem for our hero, he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He scales the side of the ship bare-handed.

A few days later, they're attacked by pirates. One problem, he's unarmed and outnumbered

No problem for our hero as he is rough, he is tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero valiantly defends himself, gets some weapons, and is defending the bridge from all attackers.

He fights off the captain of the pirates, and deals him a mortal blow. One problem, the captain in his death throws, pushes our hero off the bridge, and he plummets towards the deck.

No problem for our hero as he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoglaTheGrate
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
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r/puns can you help me out with one on height?

I'm texting a friend and made a joke about his height which he responded with "that's a low blow". I wanted to make a snappy comeback with something along the lines of "I guess you could say it was a _________" but I'm drawing a blank. Maybe you can help out? :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iHateTexting
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2013
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The god of thunder got hit by a truck

He must be Mighty Thor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRainstormer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2018
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What did the ER nurse say to the power ranger?

It's morphine time!

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2012
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Dad dropped this one on me over a beer

My dad and I usually get together and have a drink to catch up but he dropped this one on me.

"Do you know what me and this bottle of beer have in common, son?" "uhhh, no, not really. What?" "We're both empty inside!" (laugh followed by mile long stare)

http://i.imgur.com/fseRxr5.gif

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πŸ‘€︎ u/curtissimpson
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2014
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What's a pirate's favorite letter?

You might think it's RRRRRR, but it's actually the C!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeCactus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2013
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Dad dropped a monster of a dad joke on me yesterday.

Watching tv, and a tv spot for Godzilla comes on.

Me: That's going to be freaking awesome.

Dad: Oh yeah?

Me: Yeah, you know he's(Godzilla) the biggest he's ever been here.

Dad: No, he was bigger in Japan.

He was mighty pleased with himself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TrickOrTreater
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
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In the time honored tradition, President Trump pardoned two turkeys this Thanksgiving.

Trump Jr and Eric were mighty relieved.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/derawin08
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2017
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If I had known that this subreddit existed, I would've shared the tale of Brown Paper Bart with you long ago.

A man is riding his horse through the desert, and, well, he starts to get thirsty. He sees a small town off in the distance, so he sets off in that direction to get some water for his horse and some whiskey for hisself.

Well, as he gets into that little town he starts to notice something peculiar. Not a soul is out. Sun's setting, but still plenty of light. Water in the horse troughs tells him it ain't a ghost town, but folks ain't comin' out for some reason.

Now, as soon as he turns onto the town's main street, he sees a soberin' sight; the sheriff, on a ladder, hammering the last nail into a brand new gallows. He sidles his horse on up to the sheriff and says, "Pardon me sheriff. I don't mean to pry, but pray tell, who're them gallows fer?"

The sheriff looks around, surprised to see someone out. He steps down, takes off his hat and scratches the back of his head thoughtfully, before replying, "Well, I reckon you must be a stranger in these parts. I reckon then that you ain't never heard of Brown Paper Bart. Anyway, we're lynchin' him come sunrise."

"Brown Paper Bart? I reckon not, sheriff. That's a mighty peculiar name, pray tell, whaddaya call him Brown Paper Bart fer?"

"Wayill, I reckon we call him Brown Paper Bart on account 'a the fact that everything he wears is made a' brown paper. His hat's made a' brown paper, his boots is made a' brown paper. His chaps is made a' brown paper, his neckerchief's made a brown paper. Heck dang shoot, even his lunch bag is made a' brown paper!"

The man looks at the sheriff a moment, perplexed, before replying, "Well, sheriff, I reckon that's a mighty peculiar thing for a man to do, but that don't explain these brand new gallows. Pray tell, what're you lynchin' Brown Paper Bart fer?"

[Insert a dad-length pause here.]

"...Rustlin'."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/malenkylizards
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2013
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Kids TV show takes medical theme on.

Becomes Mighty Morphine Power Rangers.

(I honestly have no idea how else to start this. I'm sorry)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrCabbageman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2015
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Studying for my MCAT when I came across this passage in Verbal.

I have written this book to sweep away all misunderstandings about the crafty art of punnery and to convince you that the pun is well worth celebrating.... After all, the pun is mightier than the sword, and these days you are much more likely to run into a pun than into a sword. [A pun is a witticism involving the playful use of a word in different senses, or of words which differ in meaning but sound alike.]

Scoffing at puns seems to be a conditioned reflex, and through the centuries a steady barrage of libel and slander has been aimed at the practice of punning. Nearly three hundred years ago John Dennis sneered, β€œA pun is the lowest form of wit,” a charge that has been butted and rebutted by a mighty line of pundits and punheads.

Henry Erskine, for example, has protested that if a pun is the lowest form of wit, β€œIt is, therefore, the foundation of all wit.” Oscar Levant has added a tag line: β€œA pun is the lowest form of humorβ€”when you don’t think of it first.” John Crosbie and Bob Davies have responded to Dennis with hot, cross puns: β€œ...If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor you can tell them that poetry is verse.”

Samuel Johnson, the eighteenth century self-appointed custodian of the English language, once thundered, β€œTo trifle with the vocabulary which is the vehicle of social intercourse is to tamper with the currency of human intelligence. He who would violate the sanctities of his mother tongue would invade the recesses of the national till without remorse... ”

Joseph Addison pronounced that the seeds of punning are in the minds of all men, and tho’ they may be subdued by reason, reflection, and good sense, they will be very apt to shoot up in the greatest genius, that which is not broken and cultivated by the rules of art.

Far from being invertebrate, the inveterate punster is a brave entertainer. He or she loves to create a three-ring circus of words: words clowning, words teetering on tightropes, words swinging from tent tops, words thrusting their head into the mouths of lions. Punnery can be highly entertaining, but it is always a risky business. The humor can fall on its face, it can lose its balance and plunge into the sawdust, or it can be decapitated by the snapping shut of jaws. While circus performers often receive laughter or applause for their efforts, punsters often draw an obligatory groan for theirs. But the fact that most people groan at, rather than laugh at, puns doesn’t mean that the punnery isn’t fu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zil2mz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2014
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Dad Making Jokes in a Drive-thru

We pull into the drive-thru at McDonalds and my dad noticed all of the "free wifi" signs, so when who pulled up to collect our order he said to the woman working there "I would also like to order one free wifi, to go please". When the drive-thru lady finally got it, she let out a mighty sigh of defeat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deathball13
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2016
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Dad joked about the change to Thor

I was talking with my friend about the changes coming to the Marvel character Thor (him becoming a her). My father then pipes up and says "well if I had a sex change I'd be Thor too."

Mighty groans abound.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ulster_Celt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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Dad went mythical on me.

I started running a few weeks ago and since my dad is one of my biggest supporters, I had to tell him about my progress when he called today:

Me: "So, I went for my longest run yet, today. I feel fine now, but I'll probably be mighty sore tomorrow."

Dad: "You'll be a Norse god tomorrow?"

Me: ?????

Dad: "Mighty Thor."

dad laughter ensues

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CosmicEngender
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2014
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Got my little brother while he was watching Wolf of Wall Street today.

He says "oh man, living that life would be intense"

I quickly respond with "No, that life would be in mansions not in tents"

A mighty sigh inevitably followed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sickladbro
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2014
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