Excuse me, pun master coming through
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling 🎳 '
Thank you for the awards
Seems like a Bassless claim to me
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.
I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”
I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
My wife tells me I have 2 major faults,
I don't listen - and something else.
Can one of the Mods please explain to me why my post was removed?
I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....
My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days
I said it must be my weekend immune system
I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
It’s my jingle bell rock.
I ran into this vegan girl who said she knew me
I had to tell her I'd never met herbivore.
My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it!
My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like this one.”
My wife bought me a new shirt for my birthday!
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers
I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers
My son was just born and another dad at the hospital congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday.
He said, "Maybe they'll marry each other?"
"Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age."
My daughter(7) just caught me off guard with this.
Daughter : Whats Nana's middle name?
Me: the same as mommies, I think
Daughter: her middle name is just i think?
I'm so proud. Sorry if I don't know how to format, I tried.
My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly on each bicep.
She is infringing on my right to bear arms.
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
0mg?! You gotta be sheeting me Doc!
My math teacher called me average...
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick
She still isn't talking to me
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?” Dude 2: “Yeah bro?” Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
After getting my wife pregnant with my second child, my daughter asked me why Barbie doesn’t make a pregnant Barbie.
I told her it was because Ken came in another box.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
Even took me a while ngl..
If pronouncing all my "V"s like "B"s, makes me sound Russian...
This made me chipper. (OC)
My new job at the nuclear reactor requires me to take anger management classes.
They're to prevent meltdowns.
My wife told me she saw two EMTs walking over by the hospital. “Two EMTs?” I asked her...
...don’t you mean “pair o’ medics”?
Me, to my wife: They said that the Covid vaccines are safe and has no side effects.
My wife: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Me when people tell me I make too many puns
SPARE ME THE BOWLING PUNS
Yesterday, 4 women asked me out
I entered the wrong restroom
A farmer said to me “I have 68 sheep. Can you help round them up for me?”
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”
I said, “Yes please.”
Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”
Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.
The doctor today told me I had kidney stones.
It really rocked my world.
My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.
Me: “How do you know it was going to school?”
Allow me to introduce myself
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
My wife told me about her hard day. That's when I knew she was the imposter...
Mom told me to take out the spider
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
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