Excuse me, pun master coming through
A little boy ran up to me, and said "please help, my Dad is in a fight" so we went around the corner and two men were fighting each other. ok, I said, which one is your Dad..?
I dunno, he said, that's what they're fighting about...
A cute vegan girl asked me out the other day. I am really nervous...
...because I have never dated herbivore.
Math dad jokes always get me
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me "I could marry you".
I couldn't believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I asked my boss for a raise because 3 companies are after me. He asked me which ones?
I replied: gas, water and electric
My 6 year old couldn't sleep. So I told her that there are cows sleeping in a field. She asked me what that had to do with anything.
I told her because it's pasture bedtime.
So the Doctor handed me a cup and said "urinate".
"Thanks, thought I was a 6/10 at best."
I was offered a job today but I turned it down because they were only willing to pay me in vegetables.
The celery was unacceptable.
Classic rock is a little too heavy for me
I can tell I’m getting old because my kids don’t want to listen to Whitesnake with me
So here I go again on my own.
My doctor told me 3 years ago that I was going deaf…
I haven’t heard from him since.
Please give me a child-appropriate (but that doesn't mean that a kid would need to understand) punchline for the following set up.
The best answers are always in the comments.
A little boy went into school with a Fitbit watch. His teacher had never noticed him wearing it before, and asked him "did you start tracking your steps?". The boy responded.....
Hit me with your best "I had a joke about X but Y"
I had a joke about helicopters, but it would go over your head
I had a joke about sewers, but it is beneath me (and honestly kind of stinks)
I had a joke about NFT, but it was confusing and ultimately worthless.
There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me feel numb, and the math ones are just the worst..
they make me feel even number...
My dad used to say to me 'When One Door Closes another will Open'
He was a brilliant philosopher
but a terrible cabinet maker.
Dead Oar Alive, You're Coming With Me
When I was underaged I tried to sneak into a bar dressed as a Star Fleet doctor, but the guard stopped me
He knew I wasn’t the real McCoy
As we were eating our breakfast this morning, my son asked me, "Why does a fork have four prongs?" Chuckling, I responded, "Well, you see..."
"If it had less, it would be called a threek!"
My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns...
She says if I make any more, I'm toast.
My kids keep egging me on.
My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments.
She had a history of violins.
My wife is threatening to leave me for never putting the toilet seat down.
Quite honestly, I’m getting a little tired of carrying it around anyway.
I had a rancher ask me to help him round up his cattle. I asked him how many he has and he stated 99.
I said 100, you’re welcome!
My friend taught me how to cut trees by looking at them
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own eyes!
A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.
So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Why you booing me I'm right
I'd also like to thank my legs for always supporting me
My mom has forbidden me from making any more breakfast puns.
She says if I do, I’m toast; she just pancake anymore. How waffle, right? I guess I’m in a jam, unless I can learn to be syrup-titious. At least my dad, a cereal punster himself, keeps egging me on. He’s such a ham. Whoever sausage a thing?
Choco presents: the past (by me)
Someone threw a bottle of mayonnaise at me yesterday.
I was like what the Hellmann.
Please help me untangle this
Somebody asked me who I was rooting for in the Superbowl.
my wife passed out while giving birth to our twin sons, the doctors asked me to name my children...
When my wife came to, I told her.
She was okay with the name José
But wasn't too thrilled I named the second boy, Jos-B
My wife asked me to remind her to get ice cream for a pie we had on the way home
I immediately bellowed "REMEMBERRRRRR THE AALLAMOOODE!
Not kidding pulled this up in real time. Pretty proud of it
Someone told me that it’s impossible to make a pun about vegetables.
I said that’s not nececelery true.
As a boy, the people I assumed were my parents would bathe me in low quality Australian lager.
It wasn’t until years later I realised I’d been fostered
[Real joke from real dad] I'm in the hospital on a liquid only diet for a long time, and my dad sends me: You know who else is on a liquid only diet?
Vampires! And for their whole life!
10/10 dad, my guy has reached peak fatherhood with that.
Today, someone hit me with a diet coke
Don't worry, it was a soft drink
I man just bumped into me outside of the grocery store, spilling his milk, cream, and yogurt all over me… and I thought…
My doctor told me I was going deaf
That news was hard to hear
my husband's always giving me the cold shoulder
Wish he would choose a different cut of meat for once
My wife told me I was average
Tell me your best dad joke
My son asked me to name 2 structures that hold water
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
Mr wife asked me why I don’t treat her like what I use to while we were dating
So I took her out for a meal, went to the movies and dropped her off at her parents house
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