You are lost in winter but find a cabin. You find it has a fireplace, a kerosene lamp and a stove, but you only have one match. What item in the cabin do you light first?

The match.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/leetrd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
When God lights a cigarette....

Is it with a match made in Heaven ?

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,346 matches.

πŸ‘︎ 478
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EmBeeCSGO
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What is an arsonist’s favourite website?

Match.com

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/afarro
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I just joined an online site for gold miner dating.

My first search for a mate brought no matches, but did give me plenty of prospects.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Someone left a sign encouraging cleanliness in my workplace tearoom. It just said "THINK!"

I thought this was so great that I made matching labels for the Tapth and the Thoap.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve?

There's no dental records & all the DNA matches...

πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Altar-83
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."

"Then you’ll have a match."

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Caution: Tinder meetups can cause sparks to fly

Don't worry though, they're harmless without any matches

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Not many know this, but Chewbacca actually led a double life as a boxing champion.

He was as famous for his barrage of punches as he was for his rhyming taunts before a big match.

The called him the Jabberwookie.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/praisethelort
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
So I decided I'm going to put cigarette pictures on my Tinder

Because I'm looking for matches

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skyhighjams
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him β€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining β€œjingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. β€œRudolph” β€œFrosty the Snowman” β€œDrummer Boy” even β€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β€œ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. β€œNO honey it really works watch!” β€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. β€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out β€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hipphazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What lights up a soccer stadium?

A soccer match

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/profusly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A lonely tobacconist signed up to Tinder.

Unfortunately, he couldn't find a match.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

β€œWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”

pauses for effect

β€œ...I guess I let it go to my head.”

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another β€˜incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

πŸ‘︎ 19k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bilgerat78
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I just joined that website, infernallyXXX.com...

They keep sending me matches!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
5 Terrible Puns
  1. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

  2. If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a… Guardian of the Galaxy

  3. I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

  4. I Googled β€œHow to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.

  5. I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night. I ended up dying inside.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/punsdaily
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Went to a Dub night.

Bit weird, to be honest. Everyone was talking in foreign languages and their lips didn't match what their voices were saying.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Samus reject the offer?

It didn’t match her Crateria.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tentacle-
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I've never lost a World Series finals.

Never lost a boxing match against Muhammed Ali either. Also never lost a single game in the NBA Finale.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/julesvdz
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I lost my lighter.

So I installed tinder to get some matches.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mighty__Tor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried looking on Amazon for a lighter

All it came up with was 1,623,203 matches

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mattyrob575
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
eBay is so useless

I tried to search for a lighter but all I got was 13958 matches

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GOATGAMER999
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I googled how to start a wildfire...

It came up with a couple thousand matches.

πŸ‘︎ 126
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brooke3262
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
The best thing about being on a deserted island with a pair of twins?

Starting fires are easy since each of them will always have a match!

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I've just had 22 optometrists tell me I need to wear glasses

That's the last time I referee a Specsavers v Vision Express football match!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security

They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/knittingmonster
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Google is so dangerous! I searched how to become and arsonist.....

And immediately received 50,000 matches!!

πŸ‘︎ 211
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
🚨︎ report
eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,570 matches

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/puranjay1432
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone left a sign encouraging cleanliness in my workplace tearoom. It just said "THINK!"

I thought this was so great that I made matching labels for the Tapth and the Thoap.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
If April has May like weather then what does May weather brings?

A BOXING MATCH

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/doom_dodo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters

all they had was 15,809 matches

πŸ‘︎ 133
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Two inventors died and ascended to heaven. There, they met each other and with their brilliant minds created a brand new form of fire making utensil.

It was a match made in heaven.

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you start a holy fire?

With a match made in Heaven.

πŸ‘︎ 155
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/teeim
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
eBay is so useless.

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 12579 matches

πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NicJ20
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
eBay is so useless

I tried looking up lighters but all they had was 6743 matches

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Crosgaard
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you light up a soccer stadium?

With a soccer match

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/howiewu0402
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you light up a soccer stadium

You have a soccer match!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/howiewu0402
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

β€œWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”

pauses for effect

β€œ...I guess I let it go to my head.”

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another β€˜incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
How do angels light a candle?

With a match made in heaven

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/marty___mcfly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."

"Then you’ll have a match."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
🚨︎ report
I googled how to start a fire...

I got 48,500 matches

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report

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