Why did the maniac kill the train engineer?

He had a loco-motive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Humor_Tumor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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Have you heard about the homicidal maniac who papercuts people to death with terms and conditions documents?

He’s a contract killer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dens382
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
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A lunatic, a maniac and a serial killer have moved into our neighborhood.

We have changed the name of the street to Psycho Path.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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Why did the pyro-maniac get caught?

He was arson about.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/officialmrkiller
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
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What would you call a secret cult of sex maniacs?

Illumi-naughty.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2015
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*maniacal laughter*
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Delux_Takeover
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
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There was this kinky burglar who would sneak into people's bedrooms to give them a pedicure as they slept. .

He was a clip toe maniac

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
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I used to know a guy who was all about getting his waffle in the morning. That's all he'd talk about! He'd even take people's toast out of the toaster and put in his waffles.

He's such an Eggo-maniac

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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Dads everywhere on December 31st..

See you next decade! Laughing maniacally

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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My ex wife had an insatiable appetite for knowledge

She was an info maniac

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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Bus driver dad joked the entire bus.

I was on a bus route headed to Target to pick up some groceries. I was in a hurry so I had opted for the express route. The bus picks up on the part of my college campus where the streets are named after the great lakes. We pass Erie and Ontario, and the bus driver comes over the intercom and says:

"This bus will be express from Huron out."

Everybody groans, the driver has a good chuckle, and I begin laughing like a maniac.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LurchPuppy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2014
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What did Buddha say to the hotdog vendor?

Make me one with everything...

Credit goes to the show Maniac on Netflix but I'm sure it originated elsewhere.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hadeon_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2018
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True story

I was bored over Saturday, so decided top call my friend this is how the conversation ended

Friend: Well I need to fix dinner now

Me: what's wrong with it? Is it broken?

Friend immediately hangs up to the sound of my maniacal laughter

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xxTheMasterxx5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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My silly I.T dad is convinced he's a comedic genius

So my sister brought her computer over for my dad to fix. From my room, some 30 minutes later, i just heard him sniggering, and eventually balling his eyes out with laughter. He summons me over, and says through teary eyes "Look what i changed her computer name to!" So, look i did, expecting something silly. Sure enough, he had called it "Banana". I just shook my head and walked off while he cackled maniacally in his chair.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WerdsWerth
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
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Brother-in-law dad joked my sister

My sister: We were out of brown sugar so I used sugar and molasses. Brother-in-law: How did the moles feel about that?

He then proceeded to laugh like a maniac when I groaned loudly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_pathetic_owl
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2014
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My dad got my mom earlier and then fist bumped me.

So my wisdom teeth have been coming in lately and my dad hit my mom with this one.

Dad: Yeah I've never had any wisdom teeth

Mom: Huh?!

Me: Some people don't get their wisdo-

Dad: ALL MY TEETH WERE STUPID TEETH!

While grinning like a maniac while my mom groaned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trigger_The_Dog
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2015
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Got my co-workers today

CW 1: we need 11, I have 4 right here, so we just need to make a few more

Me: So we got about a third of what we need

CW 2: Quit it with the fractions DarkStrobeLight

Me: do I half to? (Laughing maniacally)

CW 1: it's too early for this shit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkStrobeLight
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2016
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Car Check.

Dad: "Hey buddy, can you check under the car? Something doesn't sound right."

puts head under engine bay

Me: "I don't think I hear anyth-"

Dad: honks horn for 5 seconds, laughs maniacally after he hears the thump of my head

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πŸ‘€︎ u/seanmillah
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2013
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My dad today

He walks up to me and says "Guess what?!" I asked, "What?" and he replied "YOU GUESSED IT!!" and walked away laughing maniacally.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lmoneyholla
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2014
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On the highway with Dad

...and he's speeding. We're northbound on the Seattle I-5, graced by the ever-too-common rain, and it's mostly empty.

Me: "I think you're going a little fast." Dad: "It's a gray area." Me: "What, speeding?" Dad: "No, Seattle."

We laughed like maniacs for 5 minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cronack1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2014
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Dad and international humor

Dad and I were having a semi-serious discussion on privacy laws, the internet and stuff like that.

DAD: I was reading a study the other day, and you know what country receives most spam e-mails per citizen by day?

ME: No, I didn't even know the country would influence that...

DAD: Yeah, turns out SPAIM is on top of the list...

ME: .............

DAD: (laughs like a fucking maniac for almost a minute)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roguewolf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2014
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Getting incessantly dadjoked by my female boss.

I'm at work today. In my job, I share an office with two other people, and my boss has another office down the hallway.

Currently, all three of us underlings are in the front office. We all are named Josh. For the last two hours, my boss has been calling the front office from her extension and saying, "Bring me the one they call Josh! Is Josh there?!" Then she laughs maniacally and hangs up. This repeats about every five to ten minutes.

I don't know how to make it stop. Please help.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FerdThePenguinGuy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2014
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Friend got me when I didn't want to watch a scary movie

Her : Come on don't be a pussy man up!

Me : Man down!

Her : WHERE?

She proceeds to laugh at herself like a maniac.

And that's when I fell in love.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BallBlaster9000
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2014
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I was dad joked by a customer today.

I work at Goodwill, and while I was working register a customer came up to pay.

He placed a frying pan on the counter, and casually said, "Hey man. What's cooking?"

His significant other just rolled her eyes and walked off. We laughed like maniacs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/waitn2drive
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2014
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Dad joke'd on campus, by a girl

Little background: I was standing on a roughly-3' rock wall along a sidewalk/eating area on campus. My friend was sitting at a table next to this.

We were engaging in a lively discussion when a girl walks by and sternly asks; "Are you talking down to her?" - and starts laughing maniacally.

Having a solid appreciation for dad jokes, I laugh heartily too and gently whisper "be my dad?" as she walks away...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LibertyFive3000
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2014
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Managed to get my cousins today

We were at an amusement park and getting thirsty. I suggested we stop for a drink, they wanted to go on one more ride. Afterwards one of them said:

"I'm thirsty, lets get a drink" to which I replied "I said it first. Guess you can say I'm firsty".

Facepalming and groaning ensued. I laughed like a maniac.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirSvieldevitchen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2014
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My dad sounds like a 300lb Borat. Brothers and I: "Dad, look at that girl, she's so hot!"

Dad: "WHAT YOU MEAN HOT? LIKE OUT OF OVEN?!?!"

Elbow nudges to each of us
Cue maniacal laughter HHUAHUAHUAHAUHAUHAUHUA

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeezWalnuts
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
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Literally says this one EVERY time a new friend comes out on our family boat...

Now remember to be careful and wear a life jacket because you know the only kind of wood that doesn't float?

Natalie Wood!

Then laughs maniacally while the friend just stares blankly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neospar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2013
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