My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

So I have an uncle, once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
My new job at the nuclear reactor requires me to take anger management classes.

They're to prevent meltdowns.

πŸ‘︎ 239
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Look at this good managing!
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/absolutespaghett
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
When I was digging through the wardrobe on the weekend, I managed to find a present for the kids that I wrapped in a box last year and forgot to give them. Bargain

Can't wait to see their faces when they realize they have a puppy.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/runew0lf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My manager gave me a disappointed look when he saw my doodle.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a ghost asking for the manager?

I don’t know what to call it!!!! It keeps s-Karen me!!!!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RSGaming0416
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I was working behind the bar today when two guys came in and tried to pay with a couple of counterfeit Β£10 notes. When I told the manager, he asked what they looked like..

β€œLike Β£10 notes” I told him

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What is Karen's favourite keyboard shortcut?

Ctrl,shift,esc.

(Task manager shortcut)

πŸ‘︎ 478
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_world_thin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you say to applaud the vermin that managed to escape the breakfast porridge?

Congee-rat-lations 😬😬😬

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/majumps
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Count Dracula is a terrible project manager...

... He always avoid the stakeholders.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trickertreater
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I finally managed to take the perfect nude and felt comfortable sending it to my wife

My secretary looked extra beautiful in that light and atmosphere!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a car that wants to speak to the manager

A McKaren

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KetchupTheTomato
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a senior manager from Texas greet his superior? /r/Big4/comments/jroq6k/h…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/windsor_ty
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the produce manager tells his daughter who wanted to run away with her boyfriend?

You cantaloupe!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TempleOfBone
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My coworker handed me a brochure on anger management this morning.

I just lost it.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I got fired from my job at the bank after just one day

A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jediwag
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I managed to manufacture a playable vinyl disc in 2 mins

I think that's a record

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Cowboy goes in to a hotel and says a single room and a wardrobe for my horse. Your horse sir the manager replied!

Yes my horse is a Mustang and it mustang somewhere!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Google is set to come out with a new browser that manages search results based solely on your DNA

Set to be called the Google Chromosome.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pikindaguy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Two branch managers
πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dat_1dude
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I got pizza for everyone the day I started my new job as manager...

It was my first order of business

πŸ‘︎ 124
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A good project manager makes updates.

A bad project manager makes up dates.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Just heard a grocery store manager telling off a young guy on the checkout. β€œWhy’d you ask that woman with kids for ID? What was she buying?”

β€œCardamom”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aphex-Puddle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
How did Trump manage to turn all his horse shit into a presidency?

Because he’s a stable genius.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeChump
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Blood and Organ related puns please

So a colleague is leaving my work (transfusion medicine lab) to work as an information manager for the organ transplant service. I make cards and I’m trying to think up something punny to write on/in his card and I’ll paint a picture on the front for context. I was thinking like β€œbloody good luck” or β€œsorry you’re transplanting”... but less shitty!

Thanks in advance :)

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Massive-Lock-6048
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheIndrajitKar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I played monopoly with my family last night and managed to capture every railroad

Everybody thought the game was a real trainwreck

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Egreaves14
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My local council has managed to legislate a ban on all headgear

Hats off to them for getting that passed

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coolface2k
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I just got a senior management position at Old McDonald’s farm

I’m the C I E I O

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoody13
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
We were cleaning out our closets today and my wife forgot the code to her luggage, but luckily, I managed to figure it out. I looked her and gloated proudly...

"Well, I guess you can say...I solved the case!!"

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter and I went to the grocery store yesterday, and we were amazed by the quality of the produce. We spoke with the Department Manager and offered to buy all of their Romaine

if he'd lettuce

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Derpalupagus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear a CVS manager had to pee in the forest?

He used the toilet-trees.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/suamigojose
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.

Me: Thanks for reminding me.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers!!

What are the odds?

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife: "Can you clear the table."

I had to get a running start, but I managed it.

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
We have a strict hierarchy policy for PPE usage at my office...

Regular workers must wear small face shields, while Managers get to use the super-visors.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Karen press CTRL + Alt + Delete?

She wanted the Task Manager.

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my dad how he managed to stop a bad trip.

He said "Tums"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/prendrefeu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a manager in New England and a fish have in common?

They’re both basses.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neobloodsin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Today I finally told my family about my hot dog addiction

It was really hard but I managed to mustard all the courage to do so

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rafacu_el_dino
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I just got promoted to general manager at the aquarium!

I'm going to have a corner offish and everything!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

So, I have an uncle once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

I have an uncle, once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I managed to figure it out.

You can say.... I solved the case.

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
🚨︎ report

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