Last night I had a dream I was making love to a muffler.

When I woke up I was so exhausted.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Burt_Burglar
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
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Here’s a little early access to a pun I made. I’m not sure if this joke has been said before but I hope not. I love making up puns
πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kyledreeling10
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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My dad once tried making coffee. When he tasted it he said "ahh, like making love in a canoe."

I asked if it was that good, his smile faded and he looked me dead in the eye as he said no, its fucking close to water. He poured it down the drain without losing focus and walked out of the kitchen

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...

So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ashscar14
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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I love making coffee every morning

It’s always grounds for a good time

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geezard9
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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I don't have any kids, but I love making dad jokes

Does that make me a faux pas? Or a faux pa?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mafugginAsher
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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I love making puns

It's so rewording.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bgreenwood95
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I love making blackberry cobbler.

It’s too bad because I only seem to be able to find androids and iPhones now.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhatmassOfficial
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I love making Grilled Cheese

To me, there is nothing Grater

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Murphy223
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
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I'm not a father yet but I love making dad jokes

I guess that means I'm a faux pa

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hermaphadactyl
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend David loves making puns, and they are simultaneously amazing and awful. Now he has a Kickstarter for a Pun-a-Day calendar. reddit.com/r/kickstarter/…
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordPachelbel
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2017
🚨︎ report
My brother refers to light beer as "making love in a canoe"

Because it's f***ing near water. (He doesn't even have kids, so I guess it's an uncle joke)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BackOnTheMap
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2015
🚨︎ report
Why can't owls make love in the rain?

Because it's too wet to woo

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/custardy_cream
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Never make love to a thin piece of wood without using protection.

If you forget, you might get a veneereal disease.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mitchinatr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
How do redditors make love?

By hand.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smecal_fear
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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If life gives you melons...

...you might be dyslexic

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Myrdn
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
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Whenever my artistic girlfriend is sad, I let her draw things on my body....

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iNeedHealing24_7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
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There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones..

..they make me feel even number.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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Bill Gates meets Arnold Schwarzenneger at a party and asks him if he's upgraded to Windows 10 yet? Big Arnie replies.......

"Ah still love Vista Baby....."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ipoointhepool
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.

I'll show him. Just you wait.

Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!

I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JinTaisa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wavepoolsquad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the non-binary prospector head out West?

Because there was gold in them/their hills!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cleverusername531
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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I once swallowed a book of synonyms.

It’s gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shua_mc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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My friend has no arms and loves to make jokes about it. They're never any good though.

He doesn't have a funny bone in his body.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swanbrother
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same

10+10=20 11+11=22

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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I confronted a mime today.

He did unspeakable things.

Thank you for the awards. You made my day πŸ˜ƒ

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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I read it's romantic to scatter rose petals on your bed, but they were too expensive. Instead, my wife and I will just have to make love on..

No bed of roses

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner

Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.

Sisters kids: Who? WHO?

Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other

Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AusSpyder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SwissCheeto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
F=GMm/r^2
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vanquish10
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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Why don't the Jedi take off their shirts to greet each other?

Because only a Sith deals in ab salutes.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrandMoffTarkan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Someone told me Trumps last order as president is to outlaw shredded cheese.

Hmm guess he wants to make America grate again πŸ€”

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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My deaf wife was talking in her sleep last night.

Damn near poked my eye out!

πŸ‘︎ 302
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Things dads say...

Dads love saying β€˜that was fast’ when someone leaves but returns straight away because they forgot something.

Dads love answering the phone β€˜yelllllow’.

Dads love saying β€˜they don’t make things like they used to’ whenever something breaks.

Dads love teaching kids how to play 52 card pickup.

Dads love saying β€˜what’s the damage’ when handed a bill for something.

Dads love saying β€˜pull my finger’ and farting when you do.

Dads love saying β€˜Jeez Louise!’.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arkady2009
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
🚨︎ report
What happens when you make love on a couch?

It becomes a sectional.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HikerSethT
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
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Greetings...
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anikkundu1998
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know what the opposite of ladyfingers is?

Mentos.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kalbo_boii
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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Nice, CA.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsjaboilarry
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Ants are cool
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolpopicl-5000
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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Turkey Day
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toe-knail
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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I love it when the earth turns! It just really makes my day.
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DragonBlazer27
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I just love haikus.....but sometimes they dont make sense

Refrigerator

πŸ‘︎ 878
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreshTatarSauce
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
🚨︎ report
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison.

Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.

However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnakehoundXE
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat

especially when it's on cruise control

πŸ‘︎ 161
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slackbladerered
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My math teacher called me average...

How mean!

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JayZGatsby
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My very first dad joke as an actual dad.

On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brickforsheep
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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If you sin 90 times, you'll only get caught 50% of times,

Because sin 90 = cot 45.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/charan_88
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, β€œIf you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

I replied, β€œI'm on the toilet, please advise…”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure.

Good players are hard to find.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend is making a lot of easy money by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Drinking my coffee this morning was like making love on a canoe

It's fucking close to water.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArtfulDues
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2017
🚨︎ report
There's been a lot of people who aren't Dad's making Dad jokes on here recently. If you're not a Dad you shouldn't be making Dad Jokes.

It's a faux pa.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report

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