Longing Puns

he had ... a reptile dysfunction

The father is showing his son how to prepare the fishing rod, how to set the line, and how to affix the bait. Father: "Now son, you can use many different kinds of bait. This worm, for example." The father says as he weaves the worm onto the hook and casts the line. Son: "What happens next dad?" As if on cue, the father pulls against the line, calling forth a panicked fish from the water. The son exclaims in amazement, as the father prepares the line for his next cast. He reaches into the tackle box, and beings to attach something to the hook. Son: "Dad, what kind of bait is that?" Father: "This is clickbait son." Son: "What happens next dad?" Father: "What happens next will shock you."

When I worked for a design agency, I had two adamant higher-ups. There was a brand identity project for a new company, and I was in charge of typography, but those two disagreed with my choice of font.

The first one was this stony-looking Peruvian-American man named Esteban Ferrero, but since that's Spanish for Steven Smith, and our company had a rule that everyone has to call each other using nicknames instead of last names, everyone, including himself, just called him Steve. The second one was a Dutch woman with a sharp glare named Evelien van der Berg. She was famous for giving designers a hard time convincing her that their design choices work better than hers. In accordance with the company rules, we called her Eve.

Anyway, I showed Steve my first draft, and he wasn't convinced that I chose LinoLetter as the main font, and told me that I should use a sans-serif font. But I stood by my position that serifs add legibility to printed and digital material, that it fits the company's identity as an organic store, and that it is hard to stand out with a sans-serif. It took a lot of debate, but in the end, Steve was convinced that LinoLetter was acceptable.

A few days later, I showed Eve a more elaborated version, as for the sizes and styles of the font, and the pairing of LinoLetter with Century as the headline font. She insisted that I should have used a sans-serif font for the headline. I expressed my view that LinoLetter is a font with composed and legible shape, and Century, while it is also legible, has flair at larger sizes. She kept disagreeing with me, saying I should use something bolder and more contrasting, like Tungsten. It felt like hours had passed before the conversation went anywhere, so I had to give up and look for a sans-serif font that goes with LinoLetter.

So it goes to show that the one who gave me a hard time was adamant Eve, not adamant Steve.

In the tarot bowl. A threatening bovine on one of these cards is the terror bull. The cards are made out of paper, so they're tearable. When you take the cards out of the bowl, the bowl is now tare-able. But truth be told, this long pun is terrible.

"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.

There was a lot of cross referencing.

A hundred dollar bill.

This is my dad's favorite joke.

py-rex

I'll get my coat...

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

I call him Dr. Awkward.

High steaks

A: Yes. And that's Dr.Long, actually.

I became a film editor.

A shoe.

but afterwards, I never looked back.

I think I'll go for a drive to clear my head.

Unleven minutes

That's the punch line.

Shear size

Trust me, it Hz.

This is a Sirius question.

The ancient Greeks greatly feared volcanic explosions from Mt. Olympus, so they developed a tradition of sacrificing young maidens to the Gods on the mountain. Every year they selected five girls, and sacrificed four. Then they assigned the other one to stomp the olive harvest. That’s where we get Extra Virgin Olive Oil.

I think I'm hitting ROCK BOTTOM

Because its head is so far from its body...

Sacos and Sasin.

Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?

Because it was made in china

Aye Matey.

But I realized it's because their work is Neva Dan

A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"

The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.

"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.

"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up you’re

A slipper.

He was just Biden his time

Because, then it would be a foot.

My doctor calls it Irritable Pal Syndrome.

He was Biden his time

A pi-thon

So i t pushed her in to the river!

Eclipse them

To tie his ox

Joke by my 9 year old brother

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.

“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.

“That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”

Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”

But I can Samurais

Because he worked 9 hours straight.

Turns out there is a lot of Cross referencing.

Because it’s head is so far away from it’s body.

I became a film editor

Because then it'd be a foot.