What do you call a unidentified body after a long time?

John Sour-Doe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phs_uw
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
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My kids fought for a long time over a device to measure angles

It was a protracted battle

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RatherBeSkiing
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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It took me a long time to recover from my broken neck

but afterwards, I never looked back.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xholdsteadyx
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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My dad made his first dad joke in a long time

For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max

During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said β€œwell then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.”

I reply, β€œwell what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens.

And without hesitation my dad replies, β€œwell he can’t lay eggs”

πŸ‘︎ 742
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asian_dodo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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A long time ago, I translated pre Classical Greek literature into Braille.

It feels like ancient history.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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My trigonometry teacher loves talking about unrelated subjects for a long time

I guess you could say that he sometimes goes off on a sin/cos

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterCheezOtter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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I waited a long time for my food at the midget restaurant

I guess they were a little short-staffed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schricker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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What happens when someone is put on hold for a long period of time?

They gain wait.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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Started a job at an accounting apprenticeship office... took me an unreasonably long time to get the pun in their slogan
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CallMeMissKeesha
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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If you are visiting Rome, be forewarned: it might take you a long time to get out of the city.

All their roads seem to have this weird design flaw.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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Long time to make a table haha
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
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For a long time, I though I had a dog named Yule. When he died, I found out he was just a wrench.

He was a good copper spanner, Yule

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.

She did not hold Up well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mortalfloater
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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I want to get myself in the guinness world records for the oldest man alive, but it's taking me a long time
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Panda2377
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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Hey y'all! Long Time No See!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrShaunce
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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It was a long time ago, a different time, when Bach wrote his music. I wonder what life was like Bach then 🎹
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Free-Author
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
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Got told this one is scouts a long time ago. If you’re Russian when you’re walking in the bathroom and German when you come out, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?

European

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MPT1313
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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Long time lurker, wanted to share a joke that will turn this subreddit upside down.

Κ‡Δ±ppǝɹqns sΔ±Ι₯Κ‡

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rosemourne
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
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I spent a long time searching for high intensity workout gear.

I must have bought the right clothes, even my tracksuit pants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Datolite7
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
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That’s it, I’ve observed long enough!! Now it’s time to take:
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Good_Alibi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
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How did the dagger feel after exercising for the first time in a long while?

He was a little sword

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smellybaby
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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the best one i've seen in a long time
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Turbodupka
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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Only part of my leg fell asleep but it's been asleep a long time

I fear I have coma toes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scoob1978
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
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Long time dad first time poster in need of some help from my fellow dad's in here. What is Snoop Dogg fishing for?

Fishizzle!

Here is what i need help with. I seen a some fishing gear with the name "fishizzle" and lighting struck! Has anyone heard this one before? Did I just make a OC dad joke? If so Is it "dad joke" worthy? I really hope so becuase I just sent this to my daughter.

Thanks in advance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dieoner
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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My grandfather has a funny story he likes to tell people about how a long time ago he swallowed his wedding ring and then it came out 10 years later. I've heard him tell it many times over the years.

It's old butt gold.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/byebyebyecycle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
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I saw my nephew after a long time, and said β€œWow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last!”

He said, β€œNo. I still have two.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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I’ve been working a long time. My job is hard, unfulfilling and honestly, doesn’t pay that great. I think it’s time for a change of pace for me. I’ve decided to go into a completely different direction and become a pig rancher.

It’s the only way I can bring home the bacon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/An_Imperfect_Guy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
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β€œI’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says to this guy. β€œYou’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” β€œOh, that’s terrible!” says the man. β€œGive it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?” β€œTen…” the doctor says slowly.

β€œNine... eight… seven...”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
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My friends Charles lived away for a long time.

So when he came back, I started calling him Harles.

Long time no C.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mudman1969
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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Best laugh I’ve had in a long time.

So my dog was barking at something outside and I was chilling in my recliner. I called her over to me, looked her dead in the eyes and told her she has barkinson’s disease. I then burst out in laughter almost falling out of my chair.

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shredhead15
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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Worst pun I've seen in a long time
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vamus_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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I was walking down the street when I ran into the man who sold me an antique globe a long time ago.

It’s a small world.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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After years of trying I have decided to give up on my life long dream of becoming a world renowned spaghetti chef. It’s time to move on and stop living in ...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darlosworld
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
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For a long time, I’ve been trying to figure out roundabouts...

It just feels like I’m going in circles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chooboto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
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A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time...

The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks, "Do you like potato pancakes?"

"No," comes the answer and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.

"Do you have a brother?"

"No."

After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card, "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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Kamehameheiiiiil. (OC, 9gag logo cause i uploaded it there a long time ago and lost it)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ryzexen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
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My first-time pregnant wife asks "why does it take so long for me to warm up?"

Without missing a beat I responded, "because you're heating for two now."

I then proceeded to laugh at my own joke. I feel like I'm prepared for my future as a dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBoBReaper
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
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My daughter and I were playing on the beach today when I picked up her small bucket and stared at it for a long time. Puzzled, she asked, "Daddy, what're you doing!!?" Sounding concerned, I said, "Your bucket is sick!"

Surprised, she asked, "How do you know?"

I replied, "Well, it's a little pail!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
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A long time ago you could make decent money from the copper mines...

Now if you had one you'd be making pennies.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
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A man walks into a bar, orders a glass of beer, and stares at the bartender for a long time to make her uncomfortable.

The bartender says, β€œTake a pitcher. It’ll last longer.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2018
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If you're meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time, always wear a bright long-sleeved shirt, gloves and shorts.

You want them to think you're a keeper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
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This is my dad's favorite joke that he tells all the time (long)

It's the end of the Kindergarten year, and for all the kindergartners to graduate to first grade they all have to take a simple test.

The teacher walks up to the first kid and goes "Okay Jimmy. To graduate we have to name a few simple body parts. Where are your fingers?"

Jimmy wiggles his fingers.

"Good. Where are your knees?"

Jimmy points to his knees

"Very good. Last question. Where is your nose?"

Jimmy points to his nose

"Very good! How did you know all that?"

Jimmy points to his head and says, "Kidneys"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dumbjokes101
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
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My wife had two crowns put on her teeth yesterday. She was complaining about the pain and the dentist gave her some medication for it. We are talking later and she said that she waited too long between the first and second pill and her teeth started to ache again. I asked her what time that was.

She said she didn't remember.

I asked her if it was around tooth hurty!

She got mad and hit me in the arm and stopped talking to me for a while.

Totally worth it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackdragon8577
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
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Ask me why the long face one more goddamn time I swear v.redd.it/nzazxqzdijp11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emiduk45
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2018
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A long time ago, I translated pre-classical Greek literature into Braille.

It feels like ancient history.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report

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