Long Time Puns

John Sour-Doe

It was a protracted battle

but afterwards, I never looked back.

For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max

During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.”

I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens.

And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”

It feels like ancient history.

I guess you could say that he sometimes goes off on a sin/cos

I guess they were a little short-staffed

They gain wait.

All their roads seem to have this weird design flaw.

He was a good copper spanner, Yule

She did not hold Up well.

European

ʇıppǝɹqns sıɥʇ

I must have bought the right clothes, even my tracksuit pants.

He was a little sword

I fear I have coma toes

Fishizzle!

Here is what i need help with. I seen a some fishing gear with the name "fishizzle" and lighting struck! Has anyone heard this one before? Did I just make a OC dad joke? If so Is it "dad joke" worthy? I really hope so becuase I just sent this to my daughter.

Thanks in advance.

It's old butt gold.

He said, “No. I still have two.”

It’s the only way I can bring home the bacon.

“Nine... eight… seven...”

So when he came back, I started calling him Harles.

Long time no C.

So my dog was barking at something outside and I was chilling in my recliner. I called her over to me, looked her dead in the eyes and told her she has barkinson’s disease. I then burst out in laughter almost falling out of my chair.

It’s a small world.

It just feels like I’m going in circles.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks, "Do you like potato pancakes?"

"No," comes the answer and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.

"Do you have a brother?"

"No."

After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card, "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Without missing a beat I responded, "because you're heating for two now."

I then proceeded to laugh at my own joke. I feel like I'm prepared for my future as a dad.

Surprised, she asked, "How do you know?"

I replied, "Well, it's a little pail!"

Now if you had one you'd be making pennies.

The bartender says, “Take a pitcher. It’ll last longer.”

You want them to think you're a keeper.

It's the end of the Kindergarten year, and for all the kindergartners to graduate to first grade they all have to take a simple test.

The teacher walks up to the first kid and goes "Okay Jimmy. To graduate we have to name a few simple body parts. Where are your fingers?"

Jimmy wiggles his fingers.

"Good. Where are your knees?"

Jimmy points to his knees

"Very good. Last question. Where is your nose?"

Jimmy points to his nose

"Very good! How did you know all that?"

Jimmy points to his head and says, "Kidneys"

She said she didn't remember.

I asked her if it was around tooth hurty!

She got mad and hit me in the arm and stopped talking to me for a while.

Totally worth it.

It feels like ancient history.