A man is on his first visit to Boston, and he wants to try some of that delicious New England seafood that he'd long heard about. So he gets into a cab, and asks the driver, "Can you take me to where I can get scrod?" The driver replies, "I've heard that question a thousand times but never in the pluperfect subjunctive."
An Irishman goes to a building site for his first day of work, and a couple of Englishmen think, "Ah, we'll have some fun with him!" So they walk up and say, "Hey, Paddy, as you're new here make sure you know a joist from a girder..." "Ah, sure, I knows" says Paddy, "twas Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust."
At a wedding reception where the chocolates on the table were in nice looking package.
- Dad: Don't throw that way; I'll take them home.
- Mom: Great another of one thousand useless items that'll be on a shelf.
- Dad: Aaaaw, Honey -- I'd never put you on the shelf.
While watching a baseball game:
- Mom: Are they "boo'ing?" Nobody "boos" anymore.
- Dad: Hey can I have a blow job?
- Mom: Shut up.
- Dad: Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
In regards to meatloaf my mother made:
- Mom: Sorry the meatloaf isn't that good.
- Dad: It's Ok. But next time try adding some Alpo.
While eating at relatives' house:
- Mom: Wow. This is really good! We used to eat like this all the time growing up.
- Uncle: Really? Where I come from we just call it Hamburger Helper.
In regards to an inappropriately shaped child's toy:
- Me: Did you buy that at one of those special stores you guys got in San Francisco?
- Grandfather: What?! Of course not! God no - that's not mine!
- ...
- Grandfather: It's too small...
When my brother and I were screwing around instead of helping in the garage:
- Dad: You know, twice, twice! I thought I got it out quick enough but some must have dribbled back inside.
After listening to a 3 minute voice mail from my mother:
- Me: What did she want?
- Dad: You want the long or the short version?
- Me: Short.
- Dad: Nothing.
- Me: Ok long version.
- Dad: Nothing much.
