Local Community Puns

Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.

I went and got them a glass of water.

http://imgur.com/UyoYCvP

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.

But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.

So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

I'm here today to tell you all a horrible story, so that none of you have to go through the same experience as my friend.

My friend, Hugh, is a very religious man, who is also involved in our community. 2 weeks ago, our local church burned down and Hugh believed it was his Christian duty to help them get back on their feet. Hugh allowed the friars of the church to set up a cart in his mall to sell their flowers. Every day, the friars came in at 7:00 in the morning with a bushel of beautiful flowers and began to work diligently to arrange them into bouquets. All was going well, the mall was generating more revenue and the church was making more money than they were by selling the flowers in front of the church on Sunday. Everyone was happy; until that first weekend.

Our town is kinda tourist-y, so we get some out-of-towners on the weekends. A gay couple came to the mall the first weekend that the friars had taken up shop (Typically, our town is pretty progressive, but the friars tended to be uber-conservative). The couple came over to the cart and admired the flowers; they tried to purchase a bouquet, but the friars refused to sell to them. The couple was outraged and went to see Hugh directly. They complained to him that the friars were being discriminatory, so Hugh promised to have a talk with the friars. When Hugh confronted the friars, they refused to sell to the couple on the grounds that “they were committing an atrocity in the eyes of the lord.” The couple stormed off and promised to boycott the cart.

This past weekend, the couple came back with a large group and a letter from the mayor, saying that the friars had to sell to them, regardless of sexual preference. The friars stood firm and refused to sell to them, so the group started a protest. They brought in signs and started chanting around the cart. The friars continued to sell their flowers and Hugh allowed them to remain, so eventually the protest began to boycott the mall, rather than just the cart.

By today, the mall had lost 50% of its normal weekend revenue. The group sent a letter to Hugh saying that they could forgive him if he shut down the flower cart within the week. Hugh was pretty broken up, but he had no choice. To maintain his livelihood, he would have to kick the friars out of his store. He talked with the friars this morning and revoked their previous agreement. The friars had their cart packed and left by 7:30, to huge cheers from the community. The mall has been pretty norm

So i went in for an interview at my local State college. It used to be a community college a few years ago. The job was for evaluating transcripts and archiving them. Anyway, I get offered the job, and of course a I accept. We were going over some procedural paperwork, I-9, W-4 you know that stuff.

He asks me my birthday, and I say June 24.

"What year?" "Every year."

He just stares at me with a bit of a disgruntled expression.

Yeah new boss, I'm going to be that guy.

I came up with this one and shared it at work the other day. I got two chuckles, some groans and one person who threatened to punch me in the balls.

"Did you guys hear that the clog-dancing teacher at the local community college is retiring at the end of the school year? Man, those are going to be some hard shoes to fill"

My dad and I were driving to pick up some pizza the other day, and drove by the local community college. They have one of those new HD billboards, which was flashing garish advertisements for their classes and programs.

"That's a terrible sign," my dad remarked.

"Yeah, those things are distracting and annoying," I agreed. "The things flash too fast for you to really read it, and the color contrast makes it hard to read while you're driving late at night. It's not like the sign in front of my school at all (I'm a teacher). My school has slow transitions and clear lettering that makes things easy to read. It's what makes our billboard auspicious."

My dad frowned. He could tell something was coming. "Why's yours auspicious?"

"Because it's a good sign."

Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.