My friend died while trying to finish digging a lengthy drainage system.

It was a last ditch effort.

👍︎ 13
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📅︎ Sep 26 2020
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After a lengthy court battle with British Airways Luggage Handlers...

I sadly lost my case.

👍︎ 33
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📅︎ Nov 12 2019
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After a lengthy search, I finally found an apartment in my price range where I can have my corgi and my pitbull.

Thank god theres still a-corgi-bull housing out there

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📅︎ Dec 20 2019
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I read a lengthy article about Japanese sword fighters

It's okay I can Samurais it for you.

👍︎ 671
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📅︎ Feb 19 2019
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I got trapped in a bidding war for a house because my wife loved the lengthy corridor.

I’m in it for the long hall.

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📅︎ Aug 13 2019
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Whenever I come back from a lengthy trip to the bathroom

"Whew, I'm pooped."

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👤︎ u/FX114
📅︎ May 04 2014
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We put in a bid on a house because my wife fell in love with the lengthy corridor.

Now we are in it for the long hall.

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📅︎ Jun 16 2018
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Anyone found using incorrect punctuation should be punished...

...with a lengthy sentence.

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👤︎ u/richardec
📅︎ Feb 05 2020
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The story of Mike and the dad joke hall of fame

Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.

First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.

Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didn’t scare the other children."

Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didn’t have to kiss her goodbye"

Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"

Those darn ex wives. "I’m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."

Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."

There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said “Mike, come over, nobody's home.” So I went to her house and she was right, there wasn’t anybody there."

That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"

Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."

Thank you for your time.

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👤︎ u/CCisme5
📅︎ Jul 24 2018
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I had a dad joke while working as a to go host at a restaurant.

I was working on the 4th of July. Guy comes in. Orders a burger with a side of French fries. We were out of fries so he decides to order a side soup: French onion. I ring in the order and he goes outside to wait, there were a few other customers out there smoking.

The chef calls the front desk to let me know that we were also out of French onion. It was late at night so this happens occasionally.

I go outside to let him know we were out, so that he can order something else. The other costumers smoking overhear me telling him that "We are out of French onion soup". The guy smoking says "man, you guys are out of French fries too what the heck?"

I chime in "well it is Independence Day."

They all laughed, and the guy ordered the lobster bisk. I high fived myself on the way back to the stand.

Sorry for the lengthy post.

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👤︎ u/Harpo3
📅︎ Aug 05 2015
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The time my Dad went above and beyond the call of duty, at a formal dinner party

Picture this.

A fancy Christmas dinner party at his new wife's opulent, sandstone estate house. Plates are being cleared from the lengthy, mahogony table that seats the fourteen well-to-do guests, the main course having just finished. All have feasted gloriously on our Christmas fare.

My Dad, playing the good host, picks up two bottles of wine, one white and one red, and proceeds to do a round of the table, chatting amiably with everyone as he circles. Those whose glasses are less than 90% full, he proceeds to top-up. I am sitting in the very centre of the long table, seated directly opposite a very well off lady in her early sixties, by the name of Margaret. My dad, having just topped off my glass, is now standing directly behind me.

This older woman, full of grace and charm, looks to my Dad and says, "Thank you so much for this glorious meal, John. It's been simply divine."

My Dad, "Not at all, Margaret, not at all. Could I charge your glass?"

Margaret, "Oh, no no, thank you. I've got the bottle in front of me!"

My Dad, quick of wit, and with a sneaky - yet charming - grin on his face, responds, "Ah, well, better that than a frontal lobotomy!"

I've never been more proud of him.

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👤︎ u/rolloxan
📅︎ Oct 18 2013
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My dad and I were talking about the age of pregnancies between different generations..I wasn't expecting this one.

Dad: Do you know how old your grandmother was when she had me?

Me: 16 right?

Dad: She had your aunt at 16, had a miscarriage and then gave birth to me at 17. You could say that she was a..(small pause).. busy beaver.

Ensue lengthy, full hearted laugh from him. Eye roll from me.

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📅︎ May 21 2014
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Dad pulled this one on us during dinner

Him: "Do you guys know how to stop a Bull from charging?

Us: "Nope/How/etc."

Him: "Take away its credit cards!"

Followed by a pretty lengthy laugh on my part.

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📅︎ Nov 28 2013
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I read a lengthy article about Japanese sword fighters.

It's okay I can Samurais it for you.

👍︎ 11
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📅︎ Jun 12 2019
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There is a lengthy article on Japanese sword fighters, but I can Samurais it for you
👍︎ 147
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📅︎ Nov 02 2017
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Sword fighters

It's a lengthy article on Japanese Sword Fighters but I can Samurais it for you.

👍︎ 12
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👤︎ u/MilPens
📅︎ May 02 2018
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