Laugh Out Loud Puns

Only a low ha.

A low "ha" is required.

Son:"Dad do you think my new toy is cool?"

Me:"Actually, it's probably room temperature."

A high schooler wants to ask his best female friend to prom. Because they’ve been friends for so long, he really wants to make his “promposal” special. He talks to his friends, he talks to her friends, and spends days planning the perfect moment. Happily, she says yes!

Over the next couple of months, she sends him different styles and colors of ideas for her dress. He tells honestly that she’s always been beautiful to him, and privately to himself, he is now realizing he has strong feelings for her. He knows he needs to tell her.

The night of the prom, he’s extremely anxious. What if he says something stupid? What if she laughs at him or doesn’t return his feelings? What if she thinks he’s a terrible dancer? All of these thoughts are swirling around in his mind as both their parents fuss over them and make them pose for a million photos.

They get to the prom and he’s even more anxious. It’s dark, it’s loud, it’s crowded. They have to shout to be heard. But she grabs his hand, leads him to the dance floor, and they forget everything and everyone around them. A while later, as the songs have gotten slower, he can feel his heart pounding. He thinks it’s finally the right time. He leans down and whispers the truth in her ear, the truth about having loved her since they met in second grade. She starts to cry happy tears, saying she’s always loved him too, and they kiss. As the song ends and changes to something fast again, he asks her if she’d like to sit and have a drink. She says yes, could he please get her some punch?

He feels like he’s walking on clouds as he goes over to where the drinks and food are laid out. He wants to get back to her right away and hopes he doesn’t have to wait too long at the refreshments table.

He makes his way through the crowd, and is able to get their drinks and return to his waiting love within just a couple of minutes. Because, would you believe it?

There was no punch line.

Me: I don’t think very fast at all

Wife: Why not?!

Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back...

Literally a conversation we had last night. She actually laughed out loud!

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

Laugh out Loud.

Eating dinner at my friend's house last night with his family. Their daughter walks in.

"Hey hon, how are you!" -Mom

"Hey! I'm okay. My throat is a little raw." -Daughter

"Well you better cook it." -Dad

I proceeded to laugh out loud while everyone else groaned a little and moved on.

My girlfriend and I were shopping for groceries for my place at whole foods yesterday and she was reading a list of things to buy. In the middle of the list was "Fungi". "Fungi? You mean mushrooms?" I asked. "No, we need fungi. Wait, we don't have to buy it. I have Chinese fungi at my place" she replied. "Hmmm. I don't like that you have a Chinese fungi at your place" "Why?!" "Well, how would YOU like it if I had a Chinese fun girl at my place?"

She laughed out loud. She's a keeper.

Laugh out loud, Jay Kay.

This was maybe two weeks ago. I'm riding the subway to work when this young girl, maybe 6 or 7, looks up at her dad and says, “Daddy, what time is?”

She then hastily and very seriously adds, “And don't say ‘Party time’!”

It was all I could do to not laugh out loud. Nice job, dad.

Me: "Do you know if we have any compressed air around so I can clean out our computers?"

Dad: "There's a can of Raid here, but that probably wouldn't work too well."

Me: "Yeah probably not."

Dad: "BUT YOU WOULDN'T HAVE ANY BUGS IN YOUR SYSTEM!"

I didn't even cringe I just laughed out loud because it was so good.

"What's 5q + 5q?" he asks

"I don't know... 10q?" I answer

"You're welcome!" he says, laughing.

If you don't get it, say it out loud.

EDIT: If you still don't get it, 10q sounds like "Thank you" (or at least is supposed to).

This story happened, just shortly after my daughter was born, at work.

I had a coworker who hated puns. I had made a particular bad one, I completely forget what it was. Just an on the fly thing.

Suddenly my coworker stands up and the following exchange happens:

Him (loudly proclaiming): Puns are awful. They're terrible. Puns are the lowest form of comedy. Only the most infantile people laugh at puns. We need to have a pun jar... like a swear jar, but instead of swearing we put a quarter in it every time someone makes a pun.

Me: (after a short silence) That sounds like a GREAT idea.

Him (confused): No, it's like a swear jar but you put money into it when you swear.

Me: Yeah I understand that

Him: You'd be the hardest hit with that.

Me: Yeah, I understand that. Nevertheless it has my wholehearted support.

Him: (Now very VERY confused) Why would you support something that would hurt you more than anyone else?

Me: Because... we could totally call it the PUNishment jar.

There were three people who clearly heard this exchange. Each one busted out laughing so hard... one of them was pounding his fist into his desk. The look on this poor guy's face: priceless.

Riding home with my girlfriend (now wife because of this) and we crossed over some railroad tracks. I let out a loud, "hmmmm."

She said, "What?"

Me, "A train must have just come through here."

She, "How do you know that?"

Me, "Because it left its tracks."

Me laughing hysterically, I could actually hear her eyes roll.

One of my favorites and eight years later, we're still together. The ladies love dad jokes.

I was testing my daughter over dinner tonight..

What is an Adjective? I asked.

Daughter: it describes something.

What is a noun?

Daughter: A person, place, or thing.

What is a pronoun?

Daughter:.... I don't remember...

Me: "It's a person, place, or thing that does that for a living."

My wife actually laughed out loud at this one! first time she's ever laughed at a dad joke! Once I explained it my daughter just groaned in agony. I'm so proud... of myself!

I'm out to dinner with my family and my grandpa starts sniffling a bit. So he pulls out one of his super old patterned handkerchiefs and says "my nose keeps running". He then quickly grabs his nose, handkerchief in hand and yells "got it!" super loud in the restaurant were at. While he's laughing at his own joke he goes "that's funny right there" and keeps laughing and partially retelling the joke.

I'm proud to be his grandson.

I work in the toys department at a local store, and everything has recently been marked down to clearance prices due to new items coming in within the next few weeks.

Cue a dad and his six year old daughter. The little girl has a little bit of a southern drawl. The dad says to pick out something on clearance, and she can maybe get it. So little girl proceeds to pick up everything on clearance and announce "This is clearance!" Over and over and over again.

Finally, little girl picks up a Barbie doll and, once again, announces "this is clearance!" Well, to me and the dad, it sounds like she is saying Clarence. So the dad snaps into full on dad joke: "hi Clarence, I'm dad." I laughed out loud and the dad started cracking up too, the daughter confused at the joke.

TL;DR, Southern drawl six year old clearance shopping, making clearance sound like Clarence, dad snaps, "hi Clarence, I'm dad"

Dad and I were listening to the radio and a commercial for Windows comes on that says: "call now for a free quote!" To which my dad replies, "ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country".  Then he started laughing out loud. It took me a minute but finally realized what in the world he was talking about.

Over the weekend, while working in the yard, a neighbor walked by and asked if I had seen their dog. I told her I hadn't, but I would keep watch out for it.

A little bit later a police cruiser pulled up and asked if I had seen a shih tzu. I told them that there was one in Columbus and one in Cincinnati, but they were both pretty good. The passenger rolled his eyes, but the driver literally laughed out loud. The dad was apparent.

I read out loud what it said on a children's activity paper or whatever. It said "Did you know that the letter Q is the least used letter in the alphabet?" Me to my mom and dad: "I think they all get used only once, don't they?"

I actually got laughs from them. I am now accepted.

After finishing his chores, A***** asked if he could finally play Destiny on his XBOX. It was followed by yelling from his bedroom.

Me: "What's wrong?!"

Him: "The server is down!!"

Me: "I guess it just wasn't your Destiny to play the game this morning."

And then I let out a loud mom-laugh and he rolled his eyes and everything in my world was right again.

We were in ASDA today when an older lady in front dropped a coin. Without missing a beat, my dad said (loudly) "2p or not 2p?", causing a lady next to the coin-dropper to burst out laughing. He really is embarrassing to be out with!

Once upon a time, when I was a wee lad, still in Boy Scouts, I went on a camping trip to Montana with my troop. It was going to be a great time, enjoying the cool weather and scenic views of the evergreen forests. However, we did have one issue: Montana is pretty notorious for having lots of bears. We weren't scared though, since our park ranger guide told us that bears can be scared off by making lots of noise, like yelling or hitting sticks on trees. Anyway, me and one of my friends, we'll call him Frank, were out exploring in the woods. We were doing what we were told to scare off the bears, but we were still a little antsy.

After a while, we got hungry, so we decided to sit down and eat our packed lunch. We found a nice log to sit on and rest our feet, and we put down our packs and started to sit. But then, Frank let out the BIGGEST scream I've ever heard! Then, he took off running, fast as a cheetah. I thought, "Uh, oh! Frank must've seen a bear!", so I took off after him. Frank was running so fast, we must have run for miles at breakneck speed. Eventually, he started to tire, and as I got closer, I saw why Frank screamed and started running. He had sat on a bear trap, and it was stuck fast to his rear end! We had a good laugh about it, but the bear trap really did leave its mark.

It's been a long time since that happened, and Frank hasn't run in while, but I like to tell this story because it explains why Frank's only half-fast now.

(If you don't get the joke, say the last sentence out loud)

I don't mind when I get these looks amongst close friends and family, but man, does it burn when it's from someone you don't know. I feel like I'm in the extreme minority that would actually laugh out loud if someone I'd just met/didn't know pulled one of these dadjokes in public. I feel like I'd immediately befriend that person, but my experience so far has been looks where it seems people just go, "Yeah... definitely not talking to that guy."

One of my first jobs was at our local grocery store, where I was a cashier. Our store had those misting hoses that periodically would shower the produce items with water, so sometimes things were still wet when customers were checking out. My parents were shopping and of course came to my line to check out. I picked up a bag of vegetables, which happened to be leeks. One of the leeks must have been laying in the produce section perfectly upright because it had about 6 ounces of water in it and when I layed the bag down to type in the code, it all poured out of the bag all over the register. My dad proceeded to scream "we've got a leek!" loud enough that everyone around could hear. Other employees thought we had an actual problem and came rushing to my aid... Not one laugh could be heard..

I was grocery shopping with dad on a busy day, lot's of people in the grocery store. We were in the fruit aisle when my dad called for me out loud, I turned around and saw my dad holding two melons to his chest

"Son, look at my melons" while laughing at his own joke. You could se people smile from the dad joke

Took my wife and 3yo to the big blue and yellow today. Pulling into the parking my kid says "Dad are we there yet?" and I said "Yup...<start waving> "Hi-kea"! And she laughed and my wife groaned. Then about an hour later we were driving out, car's quiet, kid is nodding off..and I just say really loud..."BYE-Kea!!!". More groans all around. So yeah, kind of a daily double.

So we're at my sisters just talking about dreams when my dad pops up, "hey this one night I had this CRAZY dream that I was a tipi, then the next night I had another dream that I was a wigwam. So I went to the doctor's and told him about my dreams and asked him about it and he said I was 'TOO TENSE'" He then proceeded to laugh out loud like this was the absolute most funniest thing he has ever heard as I got up and left the room.

My sister: We were out of brown sugar so I used sugar and molasses. Brother-in-law: How did the moles feel about that?

He then proceeded to laugh like a maniac when I groaned loudly.

My dad has been very stressed about finances during some remodeling and roof repairs on our house. All around depressed sort of mood. Someone started talking about dinner and I told him the classic. "I was gonna become a vegetarian but realized that would be a big missedsteak. He laughs out loud for 10 minutes and changed his mood for the day. Thanks /r/dadjokes

Driving them back to their house, he points over at a business and says to her "Maybe I should work for that company there?

She looks over and asks "Amscot?"

To which he replies "Yeah, I am Scot."

I laughed out loud.

I was ringing out a son and father at the register. I tell him his total is "seven forty seven" and the father replies "I didn't buy a plane!" and looks at his son to get a quick laugh, but his son wasn't having any of it. Meanwhile, I'm trying to hold my laughter because i know this is a typical dad joke. But that's not the best part.

He swipes his credit card and reads the credit card reader out loud, "Sign Below". He ends up writing "BELOW" as his signature and says out loud to me and his son "It told me to sign 'Below' and so I did". His son responds with "Dad you are so embarrassing" and I'm chuckling out loud cuz I've never seen anyone do that the 3 years I've worked there lol

TL;DR Dad writes "Below" as his signature because he took it literally as any days would.

My calc professor of 300+ students is going over lines in 3D space. He asks the class what it is called when two lines don't intersect but aren't parallel. A guy a few rows in front of me confidently says "skew" out loud. The professor looks at him and says "bless you". The class giggled a bit and he laughed for like a minute.

My native language is dutch and in the sentence "hoe lang" means "how long". When pronouncing "hoe lang" in dutch it sounds like a chinese name. phonetically it would be "Hulang".

So my dad would always say out of nowhere "Hoelang is een Chinees", which translates into "How long is a chinese". Usually the people who hear the joke are clueless and look at him and weird and say "i dont know, i dont think all the chinese people have the same heigth, why do you ask me this?". Then he would say "Huh, what are you talking about? I was talking about my friend Hulang from China hahahahhahaha". He always laughs extremely loud after telling the joke, its part of the routine.

While at work today, I was grabbing things to set a table. I was alone in the side-station and said out loud "do I need glasses?", then answered "not since I had LASIK" and laughed to myself.

My father passed away years ago, but I'm sure he would have loved this one:

I friend and I were in the middle of a 5-mile mud run and had no watches or means to tell time. She asked me if I could tell the time using the sun. I replied that I couldn't but my father could. He would look at me and ask, "What time is it?" She didn't get it, but I laughed out loud.

So my sister does this thing called NoPoo so she doesn't wash her hair when she showers and does some weird thing to make it healthier than when you would use shampoo.

Anyway, the joke revolves around the remedy name, NoPoo.

Dad: So how does this work

Sister: Well it makes it so I don't have to wash my hair and makes my hair healthier

Me: So you're Shampoostipated

My dad laughed out loud and my sisters groaned.

Dad and I would be innocently walking around the food store and happen upon the prepared foods aisle when he would notice the Hamburger Helper boxes. He'd laugh to himself, just thinking about the lame joke he always tells before it even comes out of his mouth.

"What do you call a masturbating cow?!"

Normally the way a joke works is you wait for someone to interact with you, answer your question or at least acknowledge that you're telling a joke - not my dad. He yells at himself at the top of his lungs.

"BEEF STROGANOFF!! ...MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Really loudly. Way louder than any person should ever speak indoors. ..I miss him.

You can get an app on your iPhone/iPad that acts as a remote control to Apple TV. Using this, I have convinced my kids that you can control the Apple TV by thought alone. They practice by yelling out commands to the TV which I then do from another room.

In addition to that, I sometimes pause shows, fast forward, rewind, skip tracks, etc., at random times. I have the kids convinced that the other one must have accidentally thought something a bit too loudly. They fight over it while I sit the other room, silently laughing myself to death.

So me and my family were watching this show called "Men at Work". Its genuinely funny, so at one point while laughing out loud, I said, "Man", and then I said, "No, it's Men at work." Groans by family

I guess this subreddit got me.

There was a sign that said "no pedestrian traffic allowed" and I read it out loud when we passed, to which my dad replied "but are pedestrians a-quiet?" Needless to say, I rolled my eyes and he laughed.

I quickly responded with "I bet it's last words were: Don't forget me, I was your biggest fan" My daughter let out a loud sigh while started laughing.

Today in class someone asked my English teacher why he never turned the lights on in class. He jokingly responded "I never turn the lights on, note at home either, I always sit at home in the dark"

A few people chuckled, but then he responded seriously: "I never turn on the lights at school. At home I do though, however not on my bedroom. You see, when I stand like this (and then he faced towards the girl who asked him the question) I have a big window in my back." To which I quickly responded "What? A window in your back? I have mine in a wall."

Not a lot of people heard it, but one guy laughed out really loud, and a classmate just rolled his eyes and was like "dude.."

They are only allowed a low ha.

Or is it just a low ha?