👍︎ 3
📅︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A company started selling land mines disguised as prayer mats...

The prophets were through the roof!

👍︎ 10
👤︎ u/PianoSchmo
📅︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What happened to the guy that sold land mines shaped like prayer maps?

The prophets were through the roof

👍︎ 14
👤︎ u/Depressed_Citrus
📅︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
During a round of golf, my playing partner's pitch lands on the green next to mine

" Great, now we can be putt buddies!"

👍︎ 3
👤︎ u/WolfofMainStreet
📅︎ May 25 2014
🚨︎ report
You thought other puns were bad?
👍︎ 4k
👤︎ u/connorlikespie
📅︎ May 22 2018
🚨︎ report
I invented a new myth to delight my kids

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. His knee immediately became metallic and the sudden change to his blood pressure caused almost instantaneous death.

Later in the morgue the Coroner noted that it was a classic example of situational iron knee.

👍︎ 21
👤︎ u/CapnFancyPants
📅︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I wasn’t close to my father when he died

Which was a good thing, because he stepped on a land mine

👍︎ 51
👤︎ u/Locke12345
📅︎ Jan 07 2020
🚨︎ report
He didn't bi it

Male friend of mine, [Elton], is bi, told me about a crush he had on a guy he'd met through wilderness backpacking (relevant), and how he doesn't think he has a chance. Having no other information and an IT guy's policy of checking the obvious things first, I asked the dumb questions, via text.

>Me: So you're sure he's into guys
>Elton: Y E S
>Me: Okay, okay, just getting that straight
>Elton: A N G E R Y
>Me: But yeah, given everything else you've told me, I think you've got a chance
Me: Presuming he also knows the lay of the land
Elton: N O
Elton: S T A H P

I don't know why he keeps coming to me for relationship advice.

👍︎ 2
👤︎ u/teuast
📅︎ Jun 09 2018
🚨︎ report
I work for a survey company and we're currently doing some surveying for some airports throughout the state

My coworker/good friend of mine works out in the field performing these surveys and for the latest airport job he said to me that this airport is basically dead and that there's hardly anyone there consistently working in the office, monitoring the radio, etc.

So I asked him, "then what does someone do if they're out flying and want to land there... [start jabbing him with my elbow] just WING it??"

I should be ashamed but I'm still laughing at myself. No I am not a dad (technically).

👍︎ 10
👤︎ u/prizzaboy
📅︎ Dec 30 2016
🚨︎ report
The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➡

👍︎ 2
📅︎ Feb 22 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad joke at Wendy's.

I was eating with a few friends of mine, browsing my phone, when a chicken nugget fell from my hand and landed right on my phone.

I was commented on the nice catch, to which I replied "That was a nice screen saver."

👍︎ 46
👤︎ u/LulzitsMatty
📅︎ Feb 20 2014
🚨︎ report
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

👍︎ 9
👤︎ u/Shi-Rokku
📅︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the business selling land mines disguised as prayer mats?

The prophets are through the roof!

👍︎ 39
👤︎ u/donegal-Hospital
📅︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof!

👍︎ 4
👤︎ u/tchavez34135
📅︎ Aug 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…

...which was lucky, because he stepped on a land mine...

👍︎ 9
👤︎ u/madazzahatter
📅︎ Dec 31 2017
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.