I took my daughter to adopt a cat at the shelter. I was surprised we had to sign an itemized legal contract with expected costs. When I told the clerk I thought rescuing a cat would be free...

She told me ”Dad, If you want a cat, you should expect a fee line.” I’m so proud!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarynxm
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Today, I checked out at the store, but the cashier kept taking pictures of herself with each item I was purchasing...

I'll never go thru the selfie checkout again!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the name of the relative who owns a shop that specializes in vintage items made from hardwood?

Aunt Teak.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EM_CEE_PEEPANTS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Jesus stop selling items at auction?

He couldn’t make a Prophet.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RogueVogueDino
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What's Shrek's favourite item of clothing?

...an ogrecoat

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aqappleby
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
So many items are no longer made in America...

I just bought a new tv and the box said β€œbuilt in antenna”... I don’t even know where that is!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the worst household item?

The vacuum cleaner, because it sucks!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/homovalleygirl
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I have started freezing different objects at -273.15Β°c and blowing them up. Seeing with items reacted differently.

I call it the 0k boomer experiment.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Item tag 101
πŸ‘︎ 130
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Tried a new item on the menu, Pelican burger.

It was great, but the bill was enormous.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
To reduce waste, our city has told food truck drivers they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask...

How much food would a good truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zekesnack
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Had an idea for a Netflix series that examines items belonging to other people:

"Strangers' Things"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pj566
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Which household item really loves motorcycles?

The broom.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IrshamWindborn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The #1 item pickpocketed during last months protests were mirrors

This doesn't reflect well on the protestors

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Store cashier: "Sir, do you wanna box for these items?"

Me: "No thanks, I'm not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card?"

πŸ‘︎ 250
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I was recently promoted on the supermarket security team to look out for people taking 11 items through the "10 items or less" checkout...

I am now a counter-terrorism officer.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/E420CDI
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Selling porn is gross

but selling food and small household items is grocer.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the hardest item of clothing for a female French elephant to put on in the morning?

Zebra

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PatentGeek
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
🚨︎ report
The fisherman used all funds from fish sales to buy collections of audio recordings issued as a single item on CD...

He sold his sole for rock'n'roll.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
A man takes his wife to an unusual restaurant where you must stand in separate lines for each food item ...

As they sit down, the husband offers to go get their dinner. First he waits in line for the roast beef. Then he waits in the line for the potatoes. He he waits in the vegetable line, the bread line, the salad line, and even the gravy line.

He finally returns to the table with two heaping plates of food. β€œWhat would you like to drink?” he asks.

β€œA glass of punch would be nice,” she says. So off he goes to get it. He finds a line for wine, a line for beer, a line for soda, a line for milk, even a line for water. After considering all of his options he gives up and returns to the table empty-handed.

Sometimes there is no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Curmudgeon1836
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to be obsessed with the idea of playing football with random items of clothing. However, after stealing from a nun's wardrobe to feed my addiction, I soon saw the error of my ways.

It was a difficult habit to kick.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/T-posing_Jesus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
πŸ™‹β€β™‚οΈ
πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ogplex
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Whole Foods should not be allowed to sell certain items.

Like a slice of pie.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/firstcruiser
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I heard the European Parliament wanted to ban all plastic items

I'm afraid they're grasping at straws.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoS42
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the supermarket took its entire breakfast aisle, put it on a truck, and started giving items out all over town?

They call it the Universal Cereal Bus.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdamHR
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
[Grocery Store] β€œOk. Milk..check. Bread...check. Bacon..check.”

Cashier: Sir, please stop writing checks for each item separately.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What items would you include in an amputation themed gift basket?

I know this isn't strictly a Dad joke, but I feel it is in the spirit of the thing. My dad is getting is getting his leg amputated in January. Essentially he has no cartilage in his ankle, and it causes him severe pain all the time. He has an amazing sense of humor, so I wanted to get him a gift basket of foot-based things. So far I have: -fruit by the foot -Happy Feet -Footloose -an Ihop gift card -pack of tube socks (since now he gets 2 for 1) -Bologna (because his amputation is below knee) -a card saying congrats on the weight loss -all put inside of a stocking

What other foot based pun items would you include in the gift basket?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pyroperformer93
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a building that produces items that are ok, but not really anything special?

A Satis-factory

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talon184
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend wears a close-fitting knitted cap when he's putting items for sale on racks at the grocery...

It's a stocking cap.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Since flowers produce aroma, and flowers are typically associated with love, couldn't flowers be considered aromantic item?
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fluffy627
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
🚨︎ report
There should be a holiday where we remember all the borrowed items we’ve given out that have never been returned.

We’ll call it β€œLent”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/siphodeus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do dogs go to buy used items?

At the PAWn shop

Alternatively: The FLEA market

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a wolf selling items?

A ware wolf

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/7598024
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1901victorco
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What's a blockchain developer's fav breakfast item?

Hash browns.

ba dum tss

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alexgabriel_i
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
🚨︎ report
I won a unique item at the Celebrity Origami charity auction.

The auction's goal was to raise money for Tourette syndrome research by selling origami figures made by famous celebrities. To highlight the purpose of the auction, the organization in charge asked all participating celebs to write a replacement of a naughty four-letter word most closely associated with the disorder.

For example, George Clooney's origami penguin said Fudge instead of the F-word.

Margot Robbie's paper flower said Beach instead of the B-word.

I bid on the origami made by Dwayne Johnson.

The Rock's paper scissors said Shoot.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Shocking
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/myredditisbroken
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Is a crappy cash register...

...a POS?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Every time I go into a retail store, I always want to buy an item separator.

But the cashier keeps putting them back.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mewtwo_Nex
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Need funny puns for my food truck menu items

Hey y'all. I have an açaí bowl food truck in Fort Worth, TX, and we've always had some pretty witty menu item names. For exmaple, we just took off "the Big Lebolwski"

 

We just added some things to our menu. Here it is: https://www.rollinnbowlin.com/menu

 

Anyone have a good funny pun name for our avocado toast? I'll post a picture of our menu on our food truck if someone gives me a really good name! And if you have any better names for any of our items, I'd love to hear them!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2018
🚨︎ report
My store is giving away a first aid bag with the purchase of 3 health items.

The health items aren’t much, but the bag is a big plus!

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/An-Ex-Parrot9
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Three men were stranded in the middle of a desert, and only allowed to bring one item for survival.

Bob asked Tom, β€œwhat did you bring?” β€œA bottle of water, I’m sure to get thirsty in a desert” replied Tom.

β€œWhat did you bring?” Tom asked. β€œThis sandwich. I figure I’m gonna get hungry what with all of the walking.” replied Bob.

Bob and Tom turn to the third man, and ask β€œForrest, what have you got there?” Forrest said, β€œI have a car door, if it gets too hot, I’ll roll down the window.”

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamkeerock
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
🚨︎ report
World of Warcraft introduced a scavenger hunt to find a secret item that involved hundreds if not thousands of people in a Discord spending days and days scouring the entire world for little clues.

The secret reward is called Waist of Time.

Well played, Blizzard, well played.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthEwok42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife wanted me to attend a flea market this weekend that only deals with Middle Eastern items...

I thought hmmm.... that’s bazaar.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AFOpie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
🚨︎ report
I got a new job selling murder items

I’m a making a killing

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jc123ucme
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I recently ate at an east African restaurant. On their menu, one of the items was a mini tamale...

They called it a Somali.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/QuestionMarkyMark
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Forgetful Francesca had a lot of items on her list as she headed to the Super Store... celery, cinnamon, oatmeal, mint, mustard and chocolate.

Upon arrival, she couldn't remember which were groceries and which were paint colors.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
🚨︎ report

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