My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.
She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.
I still dream about the time in my life when I used to sniff glue. It was many years ago now.
But that sort of thing stick in your mind.
I cricked my neck a few weeks ago and it’s changed my life forever.
I haven’t looked back since
My sister said I looked like a German composer and musician of the Baroque period, especially when wearing my powdered wig... So I changed everything and it changed my life!
I haven't looked Bach since!
On his deathbed, my grandfather said, “Remember these two words. It’ll open a lot of doors for you in life.”
I had a very good math teacher. He was an integral part of my life. It doesn’t add up that I can’t remember who he was.
He is a real Mister Riemann.
My english teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...
I was able to finally make my baked dough come to life, but it was clumsy...
I said "kansas" like "kansaw" like you know, how "arkansas" is pronounced, and once my bf told me the truth, i spent my life seeing who would correct me and it wasnt suprising.
I was told a long time ago your true friends will be honest with you, especially if it's not something that will hurt your feelings really bad.
So this life long joke of "kansaw" was only ever corrected by boyfriends, best friends, and family. Others were people thinking i meant "warsaw" in which i frantically said oh no no no!
I made a point to be say this one main line like "omg can a tornado in kansaw just suck me out of this"
"Maybe i should move to Kansaw where its just wind and tornadoe shelters"
I tried to make it come up organically as possible though.
But the other times where people said nothing, some of these people good friends, now have a joke behind my back but i had it behind their backs first....
Life is fun
It really helped me through a dark time in my life
I was once walking my dog along a promenade during a storm. I got chatting to a German tourist. While we were talking, my dog decided to go for a swim. It was clear he was struggling then he got dragged under. The German dived in, pulled him out and did cpr. The dog coughed then came back to life
"That's amazing" I said "how did you know to do that? Are you a vet?"
"Vet?" He asked. 'of corse I'm vet. I was in zee sea"
My Life has been nothing but a disaster and if Just One More Thing fails for me, I think it'll be time to call it Quits.
Hmm...my racehorses really do have some strange names.
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life....
I said “no mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”
My friend was taking a pretty horizontal path in life, but I never understood it.
All I could ever do is wander Y.
After years of trying I have decided to give up on my life long dream of becoming a world renowned spaghetti chef. It’s time to move on and stop living in ...
My coworker spent his life savings inventing a Tootherang, it's a boomerang combined with dentures.
I hope it doesn't come back to bite him.
Whenever I encountered one of life's little traumas, my Dad would take me to one side and say "it could be worse - you could be submerged in water twenty foot down a dark shaft"
Bless him - He meant well
I hate it when people ask me what my life will be like in a year
It's not like I have 2020 vision
It was very difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.
I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.
My Life has been nothing but a disappointment. The Last 5 Years looked promising, but no such luck. After trying My Best, I've decided if One More Thing upsets me again, I'm calling it Quits.
Hmm, maybe I should start giving my race horses normal names.
My wife turned to me and said, all life is like hope. It's precious, a gift. It flourishes in the desert, in the snow, even in the Marianas Trench, 10,000 meters below the waves. Life and hope exist where we least expect it, yet it is so fragile it can be destroyed in a moment.
So I found this talking train and asked it why it just went back and forth on the same tracks for its whole life. It responded saying “the voices in my head tell me to”.
I found the only psychic that could communicate with dead animals. I was skeptical at first, but when she talked about my animals it felt as if she lived with them her entire life.
She was a rare medium well done.
My uncle survived a freak storm at sea. He spent the rest of his life unemployed, telling taller and taller tales about it.
When he died penniless, he was living in squall lore.
It’s so weird that all my life I thought it was “Berenstein Bears.”
It's actually "Chicago Bears."
Having been raised without a dad, I never realized there was a void in my life until you all filled it. Thank you! In appreciation, I present the only dad joke I've experienced firsthand.
Friends and I are playing Mario Kart 64. Friends' dad comes in.
"Who wants icecream??"
All of us "Me me I do!"
"What flavors do you want?"
"Cookie dough!"
"Rock Road!"
"Strawberry!"
"Ok, I was just wondering."
At the height of my lunacy, I would dig in my lawn like my life depended on it.
My wife yelled at me, "Life's just one big joke to you, isn't it?!"
I calmly replied, "I don't know what you mean, honey. Sit down and let's talk about it."
That's when I pulled her chair away...
In the car yesterday, my dad told a really dumb pun. For the life of me, I couldn't remember it, so I asked him again this morning.
Me: "What was that really bad joke you told me in the car?"
Dad: "It couldn't have been me"
Me: "It was definitely you, Dad"
Dad: "Nope. I know it wasn't me because I don't tell bad jokes"
Goddammit Dad
On my tombstone it will show I've made a grave mistake telling jokes my whole life.
I think I passed the high-point of my life without realizing it.
It was quite a sneak-peak.
You know.. my legs may be getting older. Knee's aren't doing as well as I'd like. But I have to hand it to them, they've supported me almost my entire life.
Bono made it into my family's love life
Seconds after me and my wife do the dirty:
Her- 'I love you'
Me- ' I love you too...
But I hate their music'
I've heard this countless times in my life and it still never gets old to him.
Me: I'm hungry.
Dad: Nice to meet ya hungry, I'm Jack.
On his deathbed, my grandfather said, “Remember these two words. It’ll open a lot of doors for you in life.”
On his deathbed, my grandfather said, “Remember these two words. It will open a lot of doors for you in life.”
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