Furiously honks car horn in the middle of no where without a car in sight.

Kids: looks up from their phones, β€œwhy did you do that for?”

Dad: β€œto scare away the elephants!”

Kids: β€œwhat elephants?!!”

Dad: β€œsee it’s working!”

β€”β€”

Thank you! Thank you very much!

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crewthsr
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once. It was a bad idea in Heinz-sight.
πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/curiouselise
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
🚨︎ report
In Heinz sight, the sign wasn't a great idea.

https://i.imgur.com/4p6xf5X.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/commanderjarak
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2016
🚨︎ report
Legally Blind Man Throws in a Dad Joke After Gaining his Sight Back (Video)

"What's it like Mark?" "Eye Opening" http://youtu.be/3BtKgD6CeA8?t=48s

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pwnageperson32
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2015
🚨︎ report
A guy goes for a drive and his car stalls...

...right in front of a house where there’s a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. There’s a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.

Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldn’t mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesn’t budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.

A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy he’s ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.

With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, β€œThank you.”

As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...

β€œThank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.”

πŸ‘︎ 986
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.

In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
We need help naming some murderous cats.

We recently discovered mice in our pantry. Everyone’s advice? Get a cat. Apparently they are stone cold killers.

We made some calls and learned from our vet that they had two cats that need to be rehomed. I agreed to take them sight unseen. I think it’s a boy and girl but I don’t actually know. We pick them up next week.

We want to instill the right spirit into our mercenaries by naming them after famous murderers, but want to lighten the mood with puns.

So far we have come up with Jeffrey Paw-er but we are certain our Reddit friends can do better. We need male and female options. I understand one cat is black and the other is a brown mix.

We need help coming up with names, anyone up for the challenge??

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sveil96
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I hope I'm the first to say this about the next US presidential election. Last election left plenty of people mad, but we won't have any near sighted politicians next time, because whoever runs in 2020 will have a clear vision of the future.

Because 20/20 vision means you have perfectly good sight.

Pun on a pun: I wonder if RealClearPolitics.com will catch on.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Diehardpuns
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What does a puppy have in common with a near-sighted gynecologist?

The wet nose.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twitchy987
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I just spilt baked beans everywhere.

In Heinz-sight, that was a bad idea

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Salt_E_Plum
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I decided to rub ketchup in my eyes

In Heinz sight it wasn’t a good idea

πŸ‘︎ 144
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LarryLones
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
The Monk and The Cow

A monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, the river flows with a breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. The monk exhales "Ooooomm". He repeats this until a noise, very faint, breaks his chant.

"moo."

The monk stops for a moment but, without changing his position, dismisses it. "Ooooooommm." He begins again.

He's interrupted again, "moooo."

The monk turns to find a cow looking up at him from the bottom of the hill. "Kind cow," the monk says, "please do not interrupt my meditation."

The cow stares blankly back at the monk. The monk sighs and continues.

"Oooooommmm-"

Even louder, "Mmmooooooooo."

"Dear cow, I must reach enlightenment. Please, refrain from making your cow noises or find another hill."

The monk continues again, "Oooooooommmm-"

"MMMmmoooooooooooO!" The cow exclaims.

The monk stands up angrily, "Cow! Why must you interrupt my chanting?"

The cow replies, "Because you're saying it backwards!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baconbuddy95
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally rubbed ketchup into my eyes

In Heinz sight, I definitely should’ve washed my hands first.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CharlieFoxtrot432
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Hurricane Marco is headed towards land

Hurricane polo is nowhere in sight

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/airhogg
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was it so easy to see the aircraft on the grass lands?

It was in plane sight!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clark_creationz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad, Son, and Magazine

Dad, here in this magazine it is written that masturbation significantly weakens sight. Is it true? He replies: Read for me. I can’t find my glasses anywhere.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keelssuper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
So I was driving when I see a woman run over a poor rabbit. I stopped immediately to render assistance.

I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days.
I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? "
Then it hits me, I can fix this.
I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away.

As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us !
He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight.

The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?"

I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave.

I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
The Coffin Joke

Three brothers are trick or treating near a shady house. Suddenly, a spider appears on the first brothers arm causing him to scream in shock. This causes the second brother to run away in fear only to get hit over the head by a dead tree branch. The third brother tries to escape but trips over a coffin. Filled with fright, the three brothers decide to go back home before they are stopped by a ghost that informs them, β€œThe items you have encountered today will kill you in exactly 20 years.” and vanishes into thin air. Understandably, the three brothers were terrified out of their wits and ran back to their house.

20 years later on Halloween, the first brother has booby trapped and spider-proofed his entire house. Unfortunately, he accidently runs into a wall causing a black widow to fall on his arm and killing him.

The second brother has prepared for many years and made sure that he was nowhere near any trees. However, he somehow miscalculated by one day and was killed when a lightning bolt struck a tree causing it to fall and crush him.

The third brother completely forgot about the ghost’s warning and was having dinner with his wife. His allergies were really acting up that night, so he decided to go to a pharmacy to purchase some allergy medicine. Suddenly, without any warning, the entire store goes dark and a giant coffin appears in front of him, opens up, and starts moving towards him. Remembering his frightful Halloween over 20 years ago, the brother starts desperately throwing everything in sight towards the coffin but to no avail. Now there is nothing else left other than a lone bottle of NyQuil. In one last brave attempt, the brother throws the bottle of NyQuil at the coffin and it miraculously vanishes.

Because NyQuil keeps the coffin’ away.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schosple-collopis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the preacher say to the streaker?

Repant, the end is in sight!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetaEd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are proctologists so gloomy?

They always have the end in sight.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oxfordthethird
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A struggling young news reporter was having trouble getting good sound bites from the politicians she was sent out to interview, so she invited an experienced colleague out to dinner to ask for advice.

The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.

Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.

As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."

As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".

Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/podgress
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, β€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, β€œNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, β€œThen I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar...

On his way to the bartender he hears someone say β€œNice shoes” he looks around and cant see anyone... He continues walking and hears β€œNice Shirt” again he looks around and there is no one in sight.

He finally makes his way to the bartender and says β€œMate I have to tell you this bar is extremely nice, but am I hearing voices? I keep hearing someone saying nice shoes, nice shirt but there is no one around?”

The bartender said β€œoh dont worry about that, its just the peanuts, they are complimentary”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frase32
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
NASA’s new rover, Insight, is supposed to tell us about Mars’ soil composition and about what’s underneath the surface of Mars..

So technically, Insight’s purpose is to give us insight about what’s not IN SIGHT

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RLU763
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I think I put too many baked beans in my eyes

It was a poor decision, in Heinz sight.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My attempt at juggling 3 cans of beans resulted in a messy kitchen,

in Heinz sight, it was a bad idea.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adc2502
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A blind man was at the doctor’s when the doctor mentioned a possible cure for his vision problems.

There’s a solution in sight.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohsopoor
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Old Robinhood

In a village just outside Sherwood Forest lived Old Robinhood, he had lived a very exciting life with his band of merry men, and his cause of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor and had a fantastic time doing it. He even had a sign outside his door that said, Robinhood, Bandit - but somehow the law never seemed to have noticed and he had lived in plain sight, doing good deeds, giving away money anonymously and living for the cause.

But now age had started to catch up and not being as nimble as he once was close escapes had started to get uncomfortably close. So he decided to retire and hand over the leadership of his band to his son.

So, Robin called his son over to him and said, β€˜Son, I want you to take over from me as leader of the merry men. Steal and pillage all you want, but never forget the cause - we only take from the rich to give to the poor’.

β€˜Father, I will do as you say’ said Robin’s son whose name was Robinson, β€˜but tell me one thing, why do you stay anonymous when giving money away?

Why not let people know of your good deeds - you have a sign outside that says bandit and you’ve never been caught, why not add the cause to the sign and say β€˜Robinhood, Bandit, steals from the rich to give to the poor’?

β€˜Fool, screamed Robin, if you put the cause over the sign then you will get caught’

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yakapuka11
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
The Laughing Hoagie

Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.

"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.

"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.

They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.

"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.

"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.

"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.

"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"

"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."

"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.

"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."

As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.

"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.

"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."

"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.

"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.

"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.

"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.

"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.

"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fluffigt
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Today my dad was making the dinner

So I come home today after a hard days work to the sight of my dad cooking the dinner. I walk into the kitchen and ask

"How long is dinner going to be"

He suddenly stops cooking as I hear muffled sounds of laughter. Slowly turning around I can see tears of joy building up in his eyes as he extends his hands about 40cm apart and whispers

"About this long"

Dammit.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BorisJohnsun
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2014
🚨︎ report
So, I'm studying human perception as it relates to colour, right?

And the thing about eyes, sight, and light is that nobody really knows what colour anything is.

What we think of as colour is actually light reflecting off a surface in the visible light spectrum- nothing is inherently colourful on its own. So everything we see is actually in our own heads. Transfered light is reflecting off objects, into our eyes and being read/perceived by the brain as 'colour'.

It's all a pigment of our imagination.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SupremeCanadian
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I am from Britain and visited America last week. I noticed that the ketchup tastes extremely bad,

In heinz-sight I should have brought my own

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
🚨︎ report
As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns..

I knew the end was in sight.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mudpucket1969
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2018
🚨︎ report
I just had Lasik corrective surgery.

During the consultation on Saturday, my nervous wife accompanied me to learn more about the procedure. She got me pretty good when she said it was an "eye-opening experience."

Rest assured I didn't leave her the last word. After the procedure yesterday, I exited the operating room to find her waiting in a crowded lobby. She looked up at me, and I got her back with "Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes."

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisFRKNRogers
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2017
🚨︎ report
An inspector visits a farm...

He tells the farmer that he wants to speak with his animals so he can check how their life there is.

The farmer reluctantly leads the inspector to the paddocks, the inspector notices some cows and approaches asking "Hello Ms Cow, how are you finding life on this farm?" The cow replied in a ventriloquistling voice, "I love my life on the farm, I get grass all day and get put indoors at night". The farmer is amazed at the sight before him.

The inspector makes his way to the duck pond and asks the ducks, "Ducks, how is your life at this farm?" The duck, like the cows reply "I love this farm, we get grain and the big pond. We love our life here".

The inspectors continues his way through the farm with the farmer in tow eventually reaching the sheep pen. As he makes his way towards the sheep the farmer quickens his pace catching the inspectors. "I have something to tell you before you chat to the sheep, THE SHEEP LIE!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageRacoon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who hid in the clouds?

He was hiding in plane sight.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dimensionsstudio
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once.

It was a bad idea in Heinz- sight.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the blind person get the joke?

It was an in-sight joke.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bart00szeq
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.

In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair

πŸ‘︎ 679
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sekearney95
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I just squirted ketchup in my eye

In Heinz-sight, it was a bad idea.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PinkShrimpz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I rubbed ketchup in my eyes

In Heinz sight it wasn't the best idea

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BigShowFardy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Airport Security yelled at me today

They said I was in plane sight

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Erratic_Penguin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I tried cleaning my glasses with ketchup today.

In Heinz-sight, it was probably a bad idea.

πŸ‘︎ 188
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DeathintheMine
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
🚨︎ report
As soon as they put me in that hospital gown...

I knew my end was in sight.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MelkorHimself
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does aerial reconnaissance work so well?

It makes everything in plane sight.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StuntsMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
🚨︎ report

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