We threw a house party that ended badly last night, my wife put her best friend in hospital with a single punch.
The worst fruit allergy I've ever seen.
Coffee has a rough time in our house.
It gets mugged every single morning.
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
The pipes in my house leak
I think they are whistleblowers
Why is Trump not allowed in the White House anymore?
What do you call a small insect that bites Muslims in their house of worship?
What's the safest room in the house during a zombie invasion?
After I dug into the details of a theoretical zombie crisis and the entrances and exits of our home, I settled on the master bedroom.
My son sighs and says, "the living room."
High five buddy, you got me.
"I caught two men in balaclavas breaking into my house last night," said my friend. "But they got away sadly."
"How do you know they were sad if they were wearing balaclavas?" I asked.
I'm thinking about covering the outside of my house in unhatched chickens
My wife says it will look too boring, but I think it will be egg siding.
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
I hired an ex-pilot to do some painting in my house
He's actually pretty good! He made a great job of the landing.
A fish steps outside her house and get hers fins and gills blown out of order by the weather, so she goes back in for a jacket. Her husband asks, “What’s it like Outside Right Now?” She replies,
When I was in florida I saw signs saying "animal sanctuary 5$." so I decided to follow them but when I got there it was just a middle aged couple with hundreds of house cats and one dog in a cage.
Strippers don't have air conditioners in their houses.
Our neighbour's 6 year old son was sleeping in their house, I've seen it and called the Cops right away
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.
What room does a ghost not have in their house?
A living room.
Happy Halloween!
If Trump is afraid and hiding in the White House because of the protestors....
Does this make it a chicken coup?
Coffee is the silent victim in our house...
My son told me the house was cold, I told him to go stand in the corner...
'Cause the corner is 90 degrees.
I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.
Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.
Snoopy AKA Snoop dogg AKA the Red Baron has been spotted flying his Dogg house today. It is understood that he defeated his enemies in one fell snoop.
I got promoted at my job and my new office is up in a tree house.
I really like that actress in “House of Cards,” “Manhattan” and “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.”
Person in front of me ordering coffee asked "can I have a large house?"
And I said "not without a large mortgage"
The second time Hansel and Gretel found a house made of cookies and candy, they sent someone else in to test-nibble it first.
This technique became known as Munch Housen by Proxy.
My friends threw a house warming party in my new igloo.
I was going to cover the windows of our new house with curtains, but my wife came in and tossed vertical blinds at me...
Dunno why the she had to throw shade on my pursuit...
It’s only the second day of Hanukkah, and my wife already ate all of the chocolate in the house...
A man is found dead in the desert. Cause of death appeared to be dehydration. The police go to his mother's house.
Instead of decorating my whole house this year, I decided to put all of my lights in my drinks cupboard instead..
We'll Christmas is all about Makings Spirits Bright
I have a problem. My wife steals animals from the zoo and hides them in our house.
I tried to bring it up but she didn't want to discuss the elephant in the room.
I asked my grandfather how he was enjoying the new stairlift that was installed in his house.
He said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”
The person who had once kidnapped me got released after serving 10 years in prison. Since then, I secretly follow him to his house every single day without his knowledge.
I guess I'm suffering from 'stalk home' syndrome.
What is Richard Simmons doing in my house?
A dad and son drove by a golf course next to a few houses the son asked “what happens if the ball lands in the house”
The dad said “it’s a home-in-one”
What do you call a haunted house drenched in gasoline?
How do you rob a house without being in it?
In my house, I'm the boss.
My wife is just the decision maker.
Two Thirty, heard this pun a thousand times growing up in a house of dentists.
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
Tired of the cold, Superman traded the Fortress of Solitude for a house in Italy...
He invited Lois Lane to visit. Her plane was late, and she called the house to ask directions. He answered and told her:
"Take the last train to Clark's villa, and I'll meet you at the station."
Strippers don't have air-conditioners in their houses.
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
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