I asked my immigrant friends what type of restaurant they were opening.

They replied "It's nacho business!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What do illegal immigrants hate about the winter?

ICE

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Longjumping_Pie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
🚨︎ report
So Donald Trump (or "the Don" as some call him) has realized that illegal immigrants must be deported at night so that no one will see them leaving and complain...

The problem, however, is that there isn't enough light for the immigrants to find their way back to Mexico. Because of this, the Don institutes his "Early Light" plan in order to give the immigrants a way to see. One immigrant, Jose, is partially blind, so they are wondering if the "Early Light" program will still allow him to see. The ask him: Jose can you see by the Don's "Early Light."

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoahTheProtozoa
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Why are so many Italian immigrants called Tony?

Because they all wore signs saying "To NY."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Enough with all the immigrant jokes!

They’re all borderline!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call when an illegal immigrant and a pedophile get into a fight?

Alien vs Predator

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UsedToothpick
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
🚨︎ report
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a drivers license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with letters "C Z W I X N O S T A C Z" Optician: "Can you read this?" "Read it?" the Polish man replied, "I know the guy!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vongolaguy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2018
🚨︎ report
From my father, an American immigrant from Portugal, so read the joke in a Portuguese Accent

"There's about to be a lot of shit happening right now"

"What happened"

"I'm going to the bathroom"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NickisHades
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Donald Trump will be successful at getting rid of illegal immigrants...

And he'll do it Juan at a time.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/htmlarson
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2016
🚨︎ report
I'm looking for an immigration pun for the title of my essay. please help me r/puns

all i got is "no Juan left behind."

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/plumquat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2013
🚨︎ report
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you...

..But I can see where you are coming from.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a paper on immigration?

Minority Report

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/New-Kekistan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?

an artificial Swedener

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Confused_gay69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I made this joke on my old account but I got a new phone so ima say it again... What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?

An artificial Swedener

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/good_old_jrmint
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I drove from Spain to France. A lot of ants were in the car when we crossed the border. Are they immigr-ants?
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MysticaIMemes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TPWPY
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
A man recently immigrated to a new land were he doesn’t speak the language. His fellow workers take him to lunch everyday. One of them teaches him to order Apple Pie and Coffee for himself. For weeks, this is all he orders.

Morning, Apple Pie and Coffee. Noon, Apple Pie and Coffee. Night, Apple Pie and Coffee. Getting tired of this same meal, he asks his coworkers to teach him a new dish to order. He learns Steak and Eggs.

Waitress: Hiya hon’, Apple Pie and Coffee as usual?

Man (smiling proudly): Steak and Eggs!

Waitress: Oh! Changing it up to day! How would you like your eggs? Scrambled, sunny side up, poached, fried? How would you like your steak? Rare, medium rare, medium, medium well, well? . . . . . .

Man: ... Apple Pie and Coffee.

πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ObiOneToo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Figured this belonged here (real life dad joke)

My Aunt immigrated to the UK years ago and works as a teacher. I was talking about the difficulties of teaching my son Sight Words.

Aunt: That's interesting, I have never heard them called that before.

My Dad: Because over there they call them "Soit Wordz Bruv"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Pun finding help: immigration edition

If you have any ideas about puns involving the terms immigration attorney, immigration and customs enforcement/ICE, and puns about immigration detention that would be amazing.

You guys are immigreat, thanks so much!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_Noah271
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2017
🚨︎ report
A dad is telling his son about how he immigrated to the US. Suddenly, the son asks: "Dad, how did you get out of Iraq?"

The dad replies:

"Iran"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IntestineYarnball
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2018
🚨︎ report
A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: β€œOccupation?” The German replies:

β€œNo, just a holiday.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Forever 21 declared bankruptcy.

Guess it should have been called Temporary 21...

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My foreign friend moved to the United States and brought his sick bird with him.

Unfortunately, he was arrested for being an ill-eagle immigrant.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cany0udance
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
🚨︎ report
The best joke my dad ever told

My dad is really proud of this one. It's the only joke he's ever told that's been funny enough to make somebody laugh so hard that they spit out of their nose. It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for this joke, so let me give you some context first:

He's been in a motorcycle accident (hit and run by an illegal immigrant), and had to have most of his vertebrae fused. They use titanium rods to hold your back from bending, so as you can imagine its kind of a major operation. His doctor prescribed a year (or longer if needed) of massage therapy, which he was thankful for. Twice a week he went in to a small clinic for a few hours at a time, and usually had the same masseuse. Let's call her Marge.

After four months of therapy they of course got to know each other very well. He was always faithful to my mother, but he was good friends with Marge. Their conversations range all the way from baseball to differentials, and everything stays platonic.

Here's where the story begins:

During a massage, they are having an energetic conversation, the time comes where he turns onto his back so that she can get to his knee ligaments (chainsawed his kneecap a few years prior, doc said may as well get there too). She goes at it like normal, and the conversation continues. Now here comes the part that made my dad wait to tell me this until recently: The "stimulation" in his knee for some reason, on that day out of all others, triggered a reflexive erection. There was nothing he could do to stop it.

The conversation goes quiet. Marge notices, but doesn't say a word. She remains professional. She continues working. My dad is more embarrassed than he's ever been. Several minutes of silence pass, and my dad cant take it anymore.

"Marge," he says, "I think we need to talk about the elephant in the room."

He raises his head to look down the table at her. He glances at it, then back to her. With a slight shake of his head he says:

"Wait nevermind, it's only his trunk"

πŸ‘︎ 147
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DONT_PM_MEH_PLEES
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you call the act of combining two negative things?

Confusion

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chewygum93
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2018
🚨︎ report
A bird with cancer sneaks over the Mexican Border

He's an ill-eagle immigrant.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheHeroicOnion
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who gets a cold the day they become a U.S citizen?

An ill legal immigrant.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grundelgrump
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2017
🚨︎ report
Lies out parents told us when we were little.

I'll start with mine.

  1. If you eat the seeds of the watermelon, a watermelon plant will grow in your stomach.

  2. If you grow up in a foreign country your face will turn into one of a foreigner (as chinese immigrants to spain, my parents told me this to get me to go to school)

  3. My grandpa used to tell me that if I moved too much after eating the food would leak into my blood veins and I would die. Needless to say that scarred me for a long period of my infancy.

  4. My grandma, conversely, told me that if I slept face down I would crush my heart and die. Screw you, grandma...

  5. One of the most cruel lies was from my uncle, in which every time we heard police sirens, he would hurry and exclaim that the police was going after me for having too many toys... Made me scared of cops for a long time.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dronelisk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2013
🚨︎ report
The tale of Ivan Ivanavich (Long)

There once was a man from the Ukraine named Ivan Ivanavich. Now Ivan and his family were dirt poor, in fact they were so poor, that they had to sell the cockroaches and rats they found in their hovel to make some spare change to to feed their many family members. One day, Ivan decided it was time to travel to the United States to try and have a better life and miraculously he managed to get aboard a ship to the States. Now his journey on this ship was miserable, he was down in the bowels of the ship, which was flooded with rats and feces, but he hunkered down and gave it his all to survive this terrible journey. finally, one day he hears commotion above, they had arrived at last. Ivan walks up to the topside of the old ship and sees the New York Harbor. He stands there amazed seeing such a beautiful sight. Ivan starts his life in New York but he doesn't have a significantly better life than the one he left behind. Nobody is interested in hiring immigrants but eventually he lands himself a gig of selling old newspapers. He would go through garbage cans to find old papers and would sell them to people in the poorer part of town. He makes slightly more spare change, but not really enough to live a better life. In his spare time, which he had plenty, he decides to start free diving in the bay. He goes there each day, and started to get really good at it. One day, an owner of a Circus spots him diving and is amazed at how good he is. He decides to offer Ivan a job at his circus doing performance diving. Ivan eagerly accepts and begins his career as a circus member performing amazing high jumps into really small containers of water. After a few months of doing this he suggests to the owner one amazing jump to wow everyone and put his circus on top of the entertainment world. The owner contemplates this and eventually agrees. He rents a ship much like the one Ivan arrived in and placed the smallest container yet. The radio and tv crews, journalist all arrive to spectate the event of a lifetime. The hour arrives and Ivan begins his climb up a massive lighthouse on the edge of the cliff, and the ship is positioned into place beneath him. Ivan is very nervous but decides it's go time, and jumps from the massive lighthouse. As Ivan falls, he takes perfect form heading straight towards his target. As he dives a sudden wave pushes the ship ever slightly throwing off the careful alignment. Ivan hits the deck and goes straight through the top of the ship. The spectato

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Entophreak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2017
🚨︎ report
I met an old Chinese man named Ryan O'Connor so I asked him how he got that name

Chinese guy: "While in line at Ellis Island I was talking to the man in front of me named Ryan O'Connor. When I got to the front, the immigration official asked me for my name and I told him, "Tsam Ting"

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/4chzbrgrzplz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2014
🚨︎ report
Never thought my dad would do it

My parents are both immigrants from Taiwan and came in the mid 80's. We've always owned restaurants (currently have a Japanese steak house this is important for later) so their English isn't all that bad and has improved over time. I've never gotten a single dad joke from him. Ever.

Que yesterday we are driving home from a family dinner to celebrate his birthday. We all get into the vehicle and my mom says in Chinese "You've got something hanging onto your shirt, it looks stringy. Is that a spider web?"

I respond, "What? That's his pet, he can't raise a pet spider?"

Dad says, "Yeah I raise them really big and fat so we can make spider rolls at the restaurant." (Spider roll is typically softshell crab in a roll with other stuffs for the non-sushi fans out there)

I groaned, chuckled, then reveled in all that was my first dad joke. It was awesome. Thanks for reading guys! Sorry it's so long.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DROpher
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2015
🚨︎ report
I made up a real groaner today, so of course I had to tell my son.

One day at a US immigration office, a man walked in seeking citizenship. The desk clerk began the usual questioning: "name, occupation, country of origin"? The man replied, " Juan Martinez, illusionist, Mexico".

During the process Juan made small talk and displayed his talent as an illusionist. The clerk found him to be a charming, funny, and charismatic man, which put the normally grouchy clerk in a great mood!

The clerk was so enamored by Juan, he let him skip the formalities and allowed him straight into the US.

After Juan left, a coworker asked the clerk why he would allow a man to just walk in to the US. To which the clerk responded...

"For once in my long career working in immigration, I was truly amazed and entertained by a potential citizen, so I decided to waive a magic Juan"!

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/churnplunger
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2015
🚨︎ report
My son finished his homework

"I'm finished." No, son, your mother and I immigrated from Sweden.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/penguinkirby
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2014
🚨︎ report
If an illegal immigrant gets into a fight with a child molester...

Is it alien vs predator?

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brendonaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
if an immigrant fights a pedophile, is that alien vs predator?
πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Eggs
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
🚨︎ report
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.

But I can see where you are coming from.

πŸ‘︎ 129
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with your point of view..

But I can see where you are coming from.

πŸ‘︎ 131
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.

But I can see where you are coming from.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.

But I can see where you are coming from.

πŸ‘︎ 105
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden

Artificial Swedener

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrumSpace
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
🚨︎ report
As an immigration officer, I might not always agree with you.

But I can see where you are coming from.

πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
🚨︎ report
As an immigration officer, I might not always agree with you.

But I can see where you are coming from.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.