I absentmindedly bought a block of cheese. As soon as I unwrapped it, it spoke, saying, "I'm depressed. Can you help with this sadness?"
Damn. I picked up bleu cheese.
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
I’m a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....”looks like you have the best job” he says, “why is that?” I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!
I’m going to write a book about how to make people agree with you.
Its going to be called The Brible.
You wanna have beef with me? Because this is how you get beef with me! I’m dead serious mate!
It’s been so long since I last got to see ya! You and ya family gotta come over for a barbecue this weekend!
A therapist was with a client when another client burst in and said, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep having a nightmare that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards."
The therapist looked at him calmly and said, "I'm with another client. I'll deal with you later."
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: “sir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied “oh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
Her: I’m done with you. You are way too old to be obsessed with being a tennis umpire!
Me: I’m only forty, love.
Her: Are you finally done with all your embroidery puns? I’m sick of it!
I'm not sure if this will go orwell with you guys, but...
Me: Hey, can you help me with a crossword clue? I’m stuck.
Her: Sure, what is it?
Me: “Overworked postmen.”
Her: But how many letters?
Me: Too many.
I think I'm in love with you cuz
Kid: I'm going to be frank with you, bu- and if you say "Hi Frank, I'm Dad!" I'm gonna be super pissed!
Okay, gonnabesuperpissed.
My wife left me because of my obsession with crosswords. I guess you could say I'm...
1 _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Across
1 Severe and overwhelming shock or grief (10)
I'm proud to share with you all, my official bucket list
https://www.amazon.com/slp/plastic-bucket/7yxmhgjes5fn6uz
People say having a missing toe makes you more easily agitated with people, but honestly I’m more chill.
Guess I Lack toes and Tolerant
Real story: I'm prepped for a wedding and walking with my dad about to meet up with my girlfriend. I know his tendencies so I tell him "dad, please, no jokes." And he replies, "with what you're wearing, I won't need to." I roll my eyes and say, "oh, wow, sick burn dad."
I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".
He's a legend among my friends dads.
A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."
short-funny.com/best-puns…
A woman goes up to her boyfriend and says "honey, I have some bad news for you. I'm pregnant". He looks her with tears of joy and pride in his eyes and says ...
This bloke said to me: I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.
At work my boss said something that offended me. And when he wouldn't retract it, I walked out and I'm never going back, I'm through with that place. You know what he told me !!!
Gf and I were arguing over the phone and she said "I'm being super patient with you".
I said "I don't know how to deal with you because I'm not a super hospital."
She hung up and I have not heard from her since.
Dad, can you help me with this math problem? I'm stuck.
Glad to help, but I'm pretty certain we named you Robert. I'll check with your mom, though.
I'm so pissed off I can barely see straight! I had an argument with this fucking mute and you know what he said to me?
Didn't want to tell my friends who I'm hanging out with tonight, I guess you could say I'm keeping things......
*Tells 3-4 dad jokes. Follows up with:* You can just start calling me butter... cause I’m on a roll!!
I'm taking a new perspective this year, and I wanted to share some stuff with you
stuff
stuff
stuff
stuff
stuff
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
I'm breaking up with you.
Girlfriend: What?! Why?!
Calm down, I'm going into a tunnel, I'll call you back in a minute.
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