House Warm Puns

A space heater!

but now, I'm homeless.

A radiator.

Eskimos.

If they have a house warming party their house will melt.

Dad: (Moving to block the thermostat) a what now?

everything was going well until the housewarming party

I told him a furnace

A space heater

I got him a bag of logs for his wood burner.

It's a house-warming present.

It was ...a house warming gift.

He wouldn’t accept any compensation. Called it our house warming gift.

When my child compained the house was cold, i had her stand in the corner for a few moments. When I asked if she was warm yet, she said no, not really.

I told her thats odd...the corner is definatley 90 degrees.

Since he was my buddy, I was doing this thing for next to nothing. He called me up the other morning and our conversation went as follows

"Hey buddy, do you think you could come by my place and install a couple of heaters?"

"Yeah for sure! Consider it a 'house warming' gift."

I could basically hear his eyes rolling.

EDIT: Phones don't format properly.

He's been practicing for this role for months. He goes down to the opera house on the day of the audition, only to find he's come down with a sore throat and can't hit his notes anymore. In a panic, he asks one of the directors if they can postpone his audition.

"I'm sorry," says the director, "but we can't delay an audition for just one performer. That would set a bad precedent. Instead, I'll let you in on a little opera house secret." The director pours the man a cup of warm, smelly liquid. "Drink this. It's a special tea to help your throat. The recipe has been passed down for decades in this opera company, and I guarantee it will make you able to sing again."

The man wrinkles up his nose and takes a swig. "Euch! This is... awful! What's in this tea anyways?"

"Well, it's a secret herbal tea blend made with... well... fish broth." The director replies. "Tuna, specifically. We've found it helps soothe the throat better than any other fish we've tried."

Sure enough the man is able to sing again! He hits all his notes and gives an exemplary performance.

At the end of the auditions, he finds the director that gave him the tea. "So... what did you think? Did I get the part or not?" He asks.

"I'm sorry," said the director, "you performed well, but we've decided to give the part to someone else."

"That's OK," the man says, "I'm just really grateful for the Opera-Tuna-Tea."

My dad brought us firewood as a house warming present.

He wiggled his eyebrows and went "hey? Hey?" and made a fire.

So my dad sent this to everyone in his office. I groaned a couple of times and thought it'd fit in well here.

Oh, the weather outside is crazy
Like a film from Martin Scorsese
The rain will fall and the wind will blow
El niño, el niño, el niño

It doesn’t show signs of stopping
My shirt and pants are sopping
Oh, where did that umbrella go
El niño, el niño, el niño

Weather patterns don’t seem right
Southern Cal is all a storm
The marine layer and all of its might
All because the Pacific is warm

The fear of fire is now subsiding
our thoughts turn to mudsliding
Down the hillside our houses flow
El niño, el niño, el niño

I said, to him and his new wife, "But I thought you already had a housewarming. His wife almost snotted herself over it. We're good friends to this day.

My friend asks, "How was the house warming?" "With the furnace, I suppose."

No. Let's leave the house warming to the utilities.

We're coming out of a restaurant after dinner and it's a little brisk out.

My husband: "It's cold out here!"

Me: "Where's your jacket?"

Husband: "I left it at home."

His dad: "He's keeping the house warm while you're gone."

Now I’m homeless.

Now, I'm homeless.