I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your house calmly.
Because communication is the key.
Here's a joke my daughter just told me, so proud of her! A guy walked into a house when the owners were home. He pulled out a gun and shot them in the head, but no one died. Why not?
Because they were in the living room.
Bill and Melinda Gates got divorced. Melinda got the house...
But Bill kept the Windows
I spent a lot of time, money and effort child-proofing my house.
But the kids still get in.
What kind of house does a mathematician live in?
TIL some antelope can jump higher than the average house.
This is due to their powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house cannot jump.
Why did the baseball player leave to go to his moms house in the middle of the game?
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit
A burglar broke into my house and I pushed my bookcase on top of him.
It's an Archie Bunker! I built a replica of the All in the Family house INSIDE a giant basement in the Sims 4.
reddit.com/gallery/mv4w82
Every morning I leave my house and get hit by a bicycle,
When I married my wife, I made a list of all the chores I knew how to do to help out in the house.
It was the list I could do
Hired a handyman to do some odd jobs around the house
He did every other thing on the list
A bunch of ravens and crows keep gathering outside my house but I don’t mind
I love a good murder conspiracy
What kind of house can you pick up?
A lighthouse
From my 7 year old.
I took my new cat back to the shop as it won't come in doors and just keeps running round the outside of my house.
The shop keeper refused to take it back saying that I asked for a lap cat!
Jon Bon Jovi has recently built a house on top of a small rodent.
He is now Livin' on Prarie
Son to me: hey daddy! What do you call a bug that's not in your house?
The police suspected that my daughter accidentally burnt our house down
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...
Bob Dylan didn't seem surprised when a boulder fell off a mountain on top of his house.
He calmly said it was just like a rolling stone.
You come to the end of the road. North of you is the red house, west is the green house, east is the blue house. Where is the white house?
Why is leather the best clothing to wear when breaking into a house?
Because it is made out of hide.
My neighbour's house burned down after they left their Halloween pumpkin burning all night.
They claimed insurance but it was rejected: apparently it was an Act of Gourd.
Having been stuck at home for quarantine, my wife started having this recurring nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it Stalk Home syndrome.
On which side of the earth should you build a house?
My ex-wife called to tell me that “my son” was arrested for setting a house on fire.
Some Italians were throwing small lumps of dough composed of potatoes at my house
I guess they were Gnocching on my door
What kind of slippers does Aquaman wear around the house?
I secretly put up an electric fence around my house without telling anybody.
The whole family is in shock.
What is the difference between a house of toddlers and a zoo?
I can't think anymore. Please send help.
What did the Mexican say when a house fell over him?
My wife is always cold in our house.
So I told her to stand in the corner because it’s always 90 degrees.
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
I’m having a hell of a time getting this yoga instructor to leave my house.
Every time I ask her to leave she just says “namaste.”
I started a ship building business inside my house
Sails are through the roof
My house is infested with bees
So I went to the store to find something to get rid of them. Not knowing anything I picked out a bottle of raid and I asked the worker if it was any good for bees to which he replied “not at all it kills them”
A kid lights his house on fire.
Dad: putting arm around his wife, both tearing up That's arson!
I've spent all morning trying to think of a quality pun, just to come up with THIS otter rubbish.
In Texas it's illegal to serve pie without ice cream.
As a matter of Texan pride; remember the à la mode.
Jay Leno went to Morgan Freeman’s house and had a lot of drinks. Leno suddenly started to urinate on Freeman’s carpet. Freeman was furious and ran after him as he kept on urinating. The banker next door saw the whole thing and decided to start a bank...
Kids, that is the true story of how Jay-pee-Morgan-chase was named
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
The police turned up at my house last night and arrested my dog!
Turns out he has unpaid barking tickets
My Son Ate a Bunch of Scrabble Tiles. My Wife is Scared but I'm not...
He should have a good vowel movement. His next diaper change could spell disaster though.
Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $3.00
Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:
Riceless
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