If you're ever locked out of your house, start talking to your lock, calmly and clearly.
After all, good communication is the key.
I got locked out of the house today. I tried talking to the lock.
Turns out that communication wasn’t key
How does a penguin build its house?
My friend Monte is a hoarder of vegetable shortening, and his house is packed completely full. Now he wants my assistance completing a full inventory…
It’ll be the Count of Monte’s Crisco.
It is a five minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering.
My 6 year old French daughter has a knack for painting gorgeous landscapes of the sea that our house overlooks.
I guess you could say that she has got a sense of hue-mer.
I spent my twenties with an irrational fear that every time I left the house people were going to leap out of the bushes to take an instant photograph of me.
I realise now that I was merely Polaroid.
What type of pasta do they serve at a haunted house?
If a red house is made out of red wood, a black house is made out of black wood, and a brown house is made out of brown wood, what is a green house made of?
Did you know that the ground at the coast often cannot support the weight of normal houses?
That's why they build lighthouses there.
The gas station by my house recently doubled the price of their air pumps.
I guess that's inflation for you.
What type of house weighs less than all others?
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house warming party..
I just can’t believe this, robbers broke into my house, but all they took was my limbo stick.
I mean, how low can you go?
Which part of a house lets out cash?
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home. " Oy Morris ", said grandma, " You've been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could you get lost ? "
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, " I wasn't lost.....I was just too tired to walk home."
Took the kids sledding at a hill in town and afterwards, while getting into our vehicle to go home, I happened to notice a nice Christmas display in the front yard of a house across the street.
Focusing on the nicely lit up deer decorations on their lawn, I asked my kids, “How much do you think those deer weigh?”
From the back seat: “I don’t know” and “Who cares?” and “What are you talking about?”
Me: “I’m just saying, they look pretty light.”
What do you call children born in a whore house?
ninety percent of dads kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house.
Ten percent of dads kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.
My wife caught me cheating. She took the house, made me mortgage everything else and I am currently in jail.
Boy does she take Monopoly seriously.
So today someone broke into my house and stole my light bulbs.
Why does paint keep your house warmer?
Wife mad. Construction of new house has stalled - builder has just walked off the job. Early on, we had a series of increasingly heated discussions about costs, but I thought we'd settled the money question. But now it seems the final straw is a disagreement we have over the price of the chimney...
I am insisting that the chimney has to be on the house... but that builder, what he wants is just through the roof!
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house?
The ghosts bring all the boos!
If you are freezing in your house, go sit in a corner...
They are always 90 degrees.
What did Lassie say when Timmy got stuck on top of the house?
As i child i was forced to walk the plank
We couldn't afford a dog...
The little old lady didn’t always live in a shoe. She once had a house, but when she couldn’t pay the mortgage…
The bank gave her the boot
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
What does a house wear?
Ad-dress
Or maybe it can put on a couple paint coats when it gets colder
What's the best way to figure out if your house is haunted?
You play peek-a-BoOoOoOo.
What do you call a dog that designs houses?
When closing on my new house I went to the bank with a sack of feathers...
...but they refused to accept my down payment.
What's the opposite of a croissant?
There are 10 kinds of people in this world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
Americans, what are the 2 places in the house that you are no longer American?
In the bathroom, because then European, and in the hallway on the way to the bathroom because then you're Russian
My step ladder is very handy around the house
My biological ladder was always too busy to spend time with me..
Was at my brother-in-law's house
He was telling us that his son is back into baseball and does conditioning 4 days a week. I said, "Why so much? The kids hair can only get so soft."
Cue the blank stares and one person laughing.
Why is 6 afraid of 7 (this punchline is actually different)?
Did you know that the average antelope can jump higher than a 2 story house?
This is due in large part to the strong, powerful hind muscles of the antelope and the fact that houses can't jump.
I went to a haunted house and kept hearing bird noises, and the occasional "Polly wanna cracker!"....
.....must have been parrotnormal activity.
If you should ever get locked out of your house, try talking calmly to the door. After all, communication is key 🔑
How did the penguin build its house?
Why is it cheaper to throw a party at a haunted house?
Because the ghosts bring all the boos!
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