America
Should have been titled, "FBI director declares himself unpatriotic!"
...."insanely witty/hilarious" puns (if you can call them that, I'm not an expert) that he uses when referring to things, here's a few:
- QuikSilver => SlowGold
- Vin Diesel => Lose Petrol
- Backup folder => Frontdown folder
I'll try and think of a few more but you get the point.
Anyways he thinks he's a comedic genius that dude.
So, every single year my band teacher would dress up as some hilarious pun for Halloween. This year, he came into school starring at a piece of paper that said "175 lbs" on it.
He was watching his weight.
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
Colloquialism.
I asked my husband if he knew any Italian words, He told me "My wife is bellissimo"
I told him, "That's beautiful"
Happy mother's day!
My son had never heard of the store “Buy Buy Baby” (an American chain of stores for products for babies, similar to “Babies R Us”). I can’t remember exactly why I brought it up, but I mentioned the store to my wife (I think we were reminiscing on shopping there for our kids). My son overheard me say it, and he asked if it was some sick name for an abortion clinic.
As in “Bye bye baby.”
So stupid but I can’t remember the last time I laughed as hard as I did. I can’t stop replaying it in my head and laughing.
but I’m still working on it.
His name was Elo-el
She packed up her bags and right.
“ well, give it back !”
My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" 🙂).
So every now and then this will happen:
Child : Can I get an app?
Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.
Child: no, an APP
Me: yes, lie DOWN
Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.
Me: or an early night?
Child: weary sigh
Me: you do look tired
- thinking I'm the best joker in history*
That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.
The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.
There's no joker
They’re great at deliveries
HAAAND EYEEEEEEEE!
Doctor: [Hands baby to new father] "I'm sorry to have to tell you sir, your wife didn't make it..."
New father: [Hands baby back to doctor] "Well give me the one that she did make then..."
(Sorry, completely stole this from a video some other dude made. But had to share it, as I thought it was hilarious...!)
I looked down at my shirt and said, "but I like my polo".
I had to explain it, but once she got it she thought it was hilarious. I'm very proud of this joke.
I Just Reddit.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
That’s because you have low selfie steam.
Guitar tuna
Sorry, this is really bad even by dad joke standards.
Did you know, when I was your age... I was six.
We all know that pokemon evolve after being trained for a while. There is a little known fact that some Pokémon evolve into different Pokémon based on how you raise them.
For example,did you know if you raise a pikachu badly it evolves into a nasty little Pokémon called pissed-at-chu!!
...I just couldn't bring myself to watch the next one. I just had this vague sense that something bad was going to happen.
Certain related tribes in sub-Saharan Africa often raided each other's villages when most folk were herding animals. Sometimes they would take vegetables and water, but more often taking little things, to gently mock each other. It was all in good fun. After a successful raid, the "winning" tribe would celebrate by dancing under the stars, or in one of their large, grass-covered spirit houses.
One day, the Imaqi took their Satari shaman's sceptre. The following day, the Satari not only stole the sceptre back, but also the Imaqi chief's regalia.
It went back and forth, until, on a rare and daring escapade, three Imaqi warriors stole the Santari chief's throne. They put it on display, above their chief's throne in the spirit house.
The Imaqi thought that this was hilarious, and as it was beginning to rain, made merry and danced in the spirit house. Suddenly, the heavy throne on display fell down and killed a number of the dancing revelers.
The moral should be obvious: those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Everything was comedy gold.
Me
I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete
Because the chicken had the day off.
Neither my wife or I have any idea where she heard this. And she isn’t divulging her sources. Hilarious.
Edit: The first joke she’s told in general. And happened to be a dad joke. :-)
I was so salty
My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level.
Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers.
At least I found it hilarious and so did she. Hope you guys enjoy this!
Because the grass tickles their balls. (Saw this on twitter thought it was hilarious)
He would reply, “No, just leave it in the carton”
So for background, I work at McDonald's. I have to scan every Euro Bill 50 € and up.
So one day a dad comes in with his two little daughters. He places his order and hands me a 50 € bill. I scan it and scan it again and the machine won't recognize its validity, when the dad says:'That's odd, I JUST changed my printer's toner' Daughters facepalm other dads in line nod
We're watching A Quiet Place, and the son falls into the silo filled with corn and starts sinking.
My 8yo cracks a joke: "Aw, now he's going to die of corncer".
I struggled to hold back my laughter before telling him it's not cool to joke about cancer.
