To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through it's heart.

Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking .

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.

I took what he said with a grain of salt.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/battebatmand
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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"I love you from my heart to-ma-toes"
πŸ‘︎ 594
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BedHeadBread
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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I would like to see a heart attack
πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EthanoicAcid2203
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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COVID-19 can cause damage to the brain, heart, and lungs.

Luckily for Trump, he just needs to worry about lung damage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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You want to know the way to my heart?

A scalpel and a bone saw.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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I put original copies of "The Fall of the House of Usher", "The Murders in the Rue Morgue", "The Pit and the Pendulum" and "The Tell-Tale Heart" on credit hoping to pay them off slowly. Unfortunately, I couldn't make all payments...

He re-Poe-ed them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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I find that the quickest way to man's heart

is with a very very sharp knife.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wreckage88
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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My horoscope told me I was going to be heart broken in 12 years

So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BOT_MX
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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A sailor wrote a book about how to win a woman’s heart

It’s called β€œThe Art of Seaduction”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stgm_at
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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My dad had a failing heart and refused to get surgery.

But in the end, he had a change of heart.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jazst
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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When’s the worst time to have a heart attack?

During a game of cherades

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ghastbuster95
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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After the pilot had a sudden heart attack, an air traffic controller had to coach a passenger in landing a cargo jet full of various cuts of select Kobe beef

The steaks had never been higher

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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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My dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man's heart was through his stomach,

which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ubadishnard
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"

Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
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Poor woman’s heart is going to break.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lostcoastline44
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
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My wife always says the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…

Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2017
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A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital...

... he was on a fairway to heaven.

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stgm_at
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.

The poor man dyed a loan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
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It was a lovely movie and I had a hot date, so I asked her to whisper something in my ear that would make my heart beat faster. She gave me this sly little smile and then she replied,

"Don't look now, but your wife is sitting right behind us."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. That is true love. The heart wants what the heart wants. ❀️
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AggieatLSU
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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Husband: "I think I'm having a heart attack." Wife: "Ok darling, give me your password to your phone and I'll call an ambulance."

Husband: "Never mind. I'm feeling better!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.

She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!

Home is where the heart is.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart

I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart

Well wasnt that an unfortunate mis-stake

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Miller_Defoe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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To have a heart tack
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dragun82
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2018
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Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"

I couldn't if I tried

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
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I want to thank my dad with all my heart.

If it wasnt for him, I wouldn't be here now

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xMaXTinx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
🚨︎ report
An older man took his wife to the hospital, fearing a heart attack

The man waits for a while and the doctor comes out to tell his findings. The doctor says, "Your wife did not have a heart attack. She just has acute angina."

Adjusting his hearing aid, the husband says, "Listen here young man, don't go talking about my wife's privates like that! I know she's cute down there!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
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A man died from a heart attack when being taken to the police station

It was a cardiac arrest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_love_420
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2016
🚨︎ report
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.

He was gung hoe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad is the most dad jokingest person on earth. This morning he had a heart attack. He's stable and was making dad jokes all the way to the hospital. I need your best of the best jokes for me to tell him when he gets out of surgery.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cowboykillers
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2016
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The other day someone just would not shut up about how I need to accept the giant robot masters into my heart.

Damn right-wing Evangelionists.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gunter_Penguin
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2018
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My dad and I were walking downtown today having a heart to heart when he spanked a statue, turned to me and said....

"....Son....... I've just hit rock bottom."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2017
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I don't have the heart to tell you guys...

So in a few days I'm supposed to get an ultrasound on my heart and I want to lighten up the mood a little by making a few puns about the situation. Can you all help me with some real clever ones? Anything about shortness of breath and heart problems would be amazing :)

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2015
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[daily jumble] After his heart surgery, the marathon runner was happy to once again be a...

...pace-maker

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbbbirdistheword
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
🚨︎ report
The only way to kill a French vampire is to slowly drive a baguette through its heart.

The process is a little painstaking.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Only way to kill a French vampire is to stab it in its heart with a baguette.

But the whole damn process is painstaking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fyrebrand18
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chx_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
You wanna know the way to my heart?

A scalpel and a bone saw.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Charley144
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
🚨︎ report
The worst time to have a heart attack

is during a game of charades

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnydarko-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
🚨︎ report
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?

His chest

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tamarockstar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
🚨︎ report

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