A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Why does Lord Voldemort have Twitter, but not Facebook?
He only has followers, not friends.
what does a pasta have when it thinks its not tasty?
Not your normal format, but I have to share as I am pretty proud
For context I work in a prison as a nurse. The other nurses were looking up charges for one of the inmates and hes in for capital murder. One of the nurses asks, "Whats the difference between capital murder and just murder anyway?" to which I was quick to say "usually a bigger M"
I guess Ive been a dad too long now that it comes natural
I have a tendency to not listen to people properly.
The doctor says it's because I've got 80HD.
How have we not improved on margarine more?
I can't believe it's not better.
Vegans and Vegetarians can not have gender reveal parties
Because you must first veal before you can reveal.
And yes, I just said this to my wife. She can't wait until our kids are teenagers and I can tell these jokes in front of their friends.
I may not have the fanciest dough mixing machine...
but it handles all my kneads.
Not a dad, but I have a good one
kid: RERErRErerErRerererererEreRerrerereRrErrrErEre!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?
Dad: Calm down! My ears hertz!!!
Women should not have babies after 40.
I have been told by my vegan friend, that I should grow my food and not hunt it...
Does anyone know how to grow bacon ?
What sea/ocean does not have water?
It has recently been discovered that William Tell and his son belonged to a bowling league. But Swiss historians have not been able to determine the name of the league's sponsors.
We may never know for whom the Tells bowled.
I have been making pencil sketches of my family and it's not exciting at all
Back to the drawing, bored
What room does a ghost not have in their house?
A living room.
Happy Halloween!
This may have been posted before but it’s to Gouda not to share again
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
Why does Homelander ("superhero") have to be careful not to jostle his milk?
He knows milkshakes bring The Boys to the yard.
Hopefully you're familiar with the comic/show
If Hermes was the messenger god, the he sure was lucky not to have met the god of pain and old age...
Santa will not have to quarantine when entering different countries
He has gotten the vaccine and now has santybodies
Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in guessing what is inside a wrapped present.
I have a horse that's really asthmatic and I'm scared it may not make it. The vet prescribed some
A Chihuahua and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink, when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Bulldog says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
My wife went into labor today, so I read the front page of /r/DadJokes to her as a distraction from the pain. Unfortunately, she didn’t laugh once, was clearly not amused and I have no idea why...
It must have been the delivery...
Im not a dad, I just like dad jokes, but I think I will one day have children just for dad jokes
Because im really dadicated to the bit
My Doctor told me that I may have a curvature of my upper back but he was not so sure.
I have decided not to vaccinate my kids.
I believe it's best to let the doctor do it.
Edit: Thanks for the Silver :)
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What do dad jokes have in common with not wearing a mask?
People get sick of it but they still do it
Have I not yet told you my summary about the history of clocks?
Not a joke: does anyone have any Dad jokes that I can use on my 5-year-old? I see maybe one joke per week on here that she would understand. Do we need a r/youngerdadjokes?
Women should not have children after 34
Really, 34 children are enough.
I'm not happy because I have to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armor.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot.”
Why does McDonalds not have a steak sandwich on the menu?
Because it would be a McSteak
Why do cows have hooves and not feet
Why do cows have hooves and not feet?
Because they lack toes
I’m sorry
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
The new Nas album King’s Disease may not have been the GOAT
Orions belt does not have the best reviews in the universe...
...cause it only has a three star rating!
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor and as I got out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.” I replied, “Don’t call me son, you’re not my dad.” He scratched his head and said...
“No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
I have three different levels of tan on me. One level is my arms and legs from wearing a shirt and shorts. The next level is from not wearing a shirt at the beach. And the last is under my shorts.
Not to brag, but I have this uncanny ability of guessing what’s inside a wrapped present.
You can say.....it’s a gift.
You know why they have horseshoes but not cowshoes?
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