My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Talking about Peter Pan when my 14 y/o daughter says, "Captain Hook is single-handedly my favorite Disney villain."
The town's sheriff, who was also a prolific painter, was once attacked by seven men but managed to fight them off single-handedly. It was because....
Amputees are the most likely group to save the world single-handedly
Guy single-handedly saving a stuck range rover
King Midas could single handedly cause inflation.
Did you know a scientist studying pigeon sounds managed to single handedly dismantle a dictator's regime?
It was all thanks to his coo data.
From my 9 year old son: Dad, what hand do you wipe your bum with? Me: My right hand......
Response: EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR, I use toilet paper.
Well played, boy.
I know a handful of jokes in sign language.
I guarantee no one has ever heard them!
I bought a second hand Time Machine next Tuesday...
They don't make them like they are going to anymore
My butcher dropped my steak while he was handing it to me.
I quit my job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, ‘This isn’t for me.”
What do you call an angry heavyweight boxer with his hands tied behind his back?
I thought I could make a decent living taking photos of the jousting spears that the Renaissance Fair was handing out
Turns out being a free lance photographer isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
The other day I was stood in a queue for the barbers, the line was so long they started handing out burgers and hot dogs.
Best barber-queue I’ve ever been too
Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?
A man got his left hand cut off
What has 2 hands, a face and is only ever right twice a day?
A pirate walks in a bar with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch
The bar tender says “wow how’d you get that peg leg?” The pirate says one day I was out sailing and a shark jumped aboard and tore it clean off” next the bartender asks “and the hook? How’d you get that?” The pirate responds “well we were out whaling and one leapt out of the water and bit my hand clean off” the bartender then asks, “ok so what about the eyepatch??” The pirate responds “I was out walking on the deck of my ship when I looked up and a seagull shit right in my eye” the bartender is a bit confused and says “that made you lose your eye?” “No” says the pirate “it was my first day with the hook!”
What has 5 fingers, but isn't your hand?
Did you hear they will be handing out Goosebumps books at Oktoberfest?
Just look for the R. L. Stein.
A man walks into a tattoo parlour holding a small bird in his hands. The tattoo artist looks at him, confused.
The man asked, "Tit for tat?"
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
A good clean joke for you.
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
What do you call a pirate with two eyes, two hands, and two legs?
What happens when you put your hand in a blender ?
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
They have their pros and cons
When I catch my son, Luke, eating with his hands.
My boss walked into my office this morning and handed me a brochure on anger management.
My mums sister keeps taking the law into her own hands...
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
american schools are some of the only places you can have first hand experiences with Quadrilaterals and quad-collaterals
My hand slipped off the handle of the casket while carrying it to the hearse and left a deep bruise on my leg.
Whenever a book publisher refuses to accept my hand-delivered unsolicited autobiography, I usually just squeeze it as hard as I can with my thighs...
so that it's easier to walk away with my tale between my legs.
Jesus walks into a hotel
Throws three nails on the reception desk and asks “Can you put me up for the night?”
Two guys were arguing. One of them had only a left hand and one had only a right hand.
After a while, the left handed guy realized that the other guy was right, so he left.
The police caught the teflon thief red-handed
And yet, the prosecution couldn't make the charges stick
I've got too much thyme on my hand.
Just a moment ago, my hands began to convulse, my fingernails turned into sharp talons, my palms became thick, hairy, and tough. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and the feeling went away
I just had two paws for a moment
I asked my future father-in-law for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He said I hope you take the rest of her too!!
Petco has a new Covid vaccine for animals & humans. In tests, some people have reported excessive hair growth on their hands. I'm going to get it anyway...
but it does give me paws.
My friends call me weird, but on the other hand,
Handing this off to r/historymemes for a Belgian Congo comment chain
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Amputees are the most likely group to save the world single-handedly
What happens if you put your hand in the blender?
I just chopped my left hand.
As I handed my dad his 53rd birthday card, he said,
"You know, 1 would have been fine"
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