The grim reaper just got fired at the shoe factory.

He was stealing everybody's soles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/athei-nerd
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2022
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What is the grim reaper’s favourite food when listening to pop music?

A popsicle

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iceman1125
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2022
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The Grim Reaper and I used to share sweeping duties.

I had a brush with Death.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Craakar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2022
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What do you call a Grim Reaper with hearing problems?

Deaf.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DatLima25
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2021
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I just signed up for my companies 401K.

If you ask me though, that's WAY too long of a race.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/harbinger12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2022
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Never challenge the grim reaper to a pillow fight....

Unless you’re ready for the reaper cushions!

πŸ‘︎ 162
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skrimps1000
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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Last Halloween a girl dressed as the grim reaper came to my door with messy hair and asked me politely to fix it.

That night, I had a brush with death.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeWhenThe-ItsWhen
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
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Which weapon does the Grim Reaper use in the winter?

An ice sickle.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Derpvboii
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
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The grim reaper was at a spa getting hair removal.

It was a Nair death experience.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/earth_humanoid
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
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I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper

Dicing with death.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beej2000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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I am going to open a paint studio with the Grim Reaper.

I am going to call it Brush With Death

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flylink63
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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Grim Creeper
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImTheAlligator
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
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When my grandpa was on his death bed, Death offered him ten more years of life if he could beat him in a pillow fight, but he refused.

He was afraid of the reaper cushions.

πŸ‘︎ 325
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OiTheRolk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2021
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The Grim Reaper appeared in beside me when I was chopping up some carrots in my kitchen.

He took his scythe and started chopping the carrots with me. Very scary when you are dicing with death.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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So I hear the Grim Reaper is going into Standup Comedy

Apparently he kills.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MageKorith
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does the Grim Reaper go on so many dates?

He’s deathperate

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/logoman4
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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Where will you always be safe from the grim reaper?

The living room

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
20...20...vision.
πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2021
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Why did the grim reaper have an eyeball phobia?

Because they dilate.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Theboopaloop
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Moth

The moth drops down into the nearest chair and says β€œWhat’s the problem?”

Moth says β€œI don’t even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and I’m too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and I’ve gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters we’ve ever had to face in this region. Isn’t it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isn’t that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then there’s my son. Doc, I don’t love him anymore. I don’t know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasn’t such a coward, Doc, I know I’d be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrell in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, I’d be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. I’m judgemental yet I care about nothing. I’m bitter, hateful and afraid. I’m alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease.”
The doctor stares at him for a while then finally says β€œJeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But I’m a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist. Why’d you come in here?”
The moth says,”Your light was on.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyahzar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2022
🚨︎ report
I tried to bargain with the grim reaper but he couldn't hear me

Apparently he's death

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alt_Alpha9
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
[OC] death goes grocery shopping
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fyahspreadit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Bad news, good news, and great news …

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.

β€œWe know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."

The second Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2022
🚨︎ report
The Grim Reaper went to collect a soul. Upon arriving he says to the unfortunate man: "Your time has come, prepare to leave the land of the living and follow me to the gates of heaven. Now come and don't hesitate, for I am unforgiving. Or else you will wander in the shadow realm for eternity!

Hi unforgiving, I'm dad"

"Yes you are"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sint__Maarten
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does the Grim Reaper ignore the screaming of his victims?

He's Death

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/faetterjens
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
🚨︎ report
A Trick or Treater dressed like the Grim Reaper knocked on my door...

I asked him "Who are you meant to be?"

He said "I'm a little Death"

So I shouted "WHO ARE YOU MEANT TO BE?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SplendidPenguin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
🚨︎ report
What is the Grim Reaper's favorite band?

Sickleback

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdauriemma
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call the Grim Reaper's Father's favorite evil chair?

Death's Pa's Seat O' Doom

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrazyCoolCelt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when the Grim Reaper cleans his teeth?

A brush with death

(As told to my son and I by my husband this morning)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/annabat22
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
🚨︎ report
In the grim darkness of the far future, there are only dad jokes.

What is yellow, sour and fights for the Emperor?

A Lemon Russ!

What body of water has the taint of chaos?

The Hera-sea!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rossum81
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2017
🚨︎ report
What is the Grim Reaper's favourite soft drink?

Die-t Coke

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourOneTruePleb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2017
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Never start a pillow fight with Death...

...unless you're sure you can handle the Reaper cushions.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Grim Reaper go to the shoe repair shop? (X-Jokes)

To get some soles!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZedSC
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2013
🚨︎ report
What would you call a sword made of ice?

Excali-buuurrrrr

πŸ‘︎ 239
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onthedown_lough
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
First one he's cracked in years! "The grim reaper came for me last night...

I fought him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/damnthewerehog
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2013
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Death walks into a bar...

and is greeted with silence and dour faces.

After looking around a bit he says, "well this is grim" and walks back out.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cradinez
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Exasperated, I showed him the picture and pleaded, "Doctor, all of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!"

He acknowledged grimly, "Indeed, that's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Where do aliens go for a drink?

The Space Bar

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordSaumya
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother just dadjoked me

The song playing from my phone said something about growing old and my brother responded with this gem: "You always hear about people growing old, but they never talk about harvesting it."

Needless to say headshakes were had.

EDIT: Spelling.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fhbgds14531
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2014
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If a cow died and went to hell, who would greet it?

Moocifer.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scrotalBlossom
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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Pilgrimage

If I made a slightly neurotic medicine to cure old age, I'd call it the 'Pill-grim-age'

Everybody would pay thousands to go on a trip to pilgrimage. :)

(first pun ever. Any tips how to get better?)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unable_Math
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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Where does a ghost go after it's been exorcised from a home?

It joins the IRS and begins repossessing houses

(My first attempt at a Dad joke)

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dakotathehuman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2017
🚨︎ report
[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyOtherAccount_3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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Why does Death always keep a stiff upper lip?

Because he has to Grim and bear it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CadenceQuandry
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
🚨︎ report
[Long] a brush with death

Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spartan-44
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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Do NOT challenge Death to a pillow fight...

...unless you're ready to deal with the reaper cushions.

πŸ‘︎ 313
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πŸ‘€︎ u/myverypunnydad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2021
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I had a dream last night I was cutting carrots with the grim reaper...

I was dicing with death πŸ’€

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CPike90
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
The grim reaper came for me last night But I fought him off with the vacuum cleaner

Talk about Dyson with death

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/another_usernamee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2013
🚨︎ report

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