Good Sense Puns

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

Me: "Word"

What do they call the best salesman at a funeral home?

The Top Urner

I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.

I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.

The native student answers “Cleveland”, much to the teacher’s chagrin. The Exchange student on the other hand, answers “It’s a bit late, but Gozaimasu!”

You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)

Edit: thanks for the love: My kid asked me if I was gonna share it on Facebook. I don’t use Facebook so I said I’d share it here. He’s practicing his jokes, he said, so he can be a good big brother. He’s got a corny sense of humor and loves a good dad joke.

For the couple of you who think I pimped his joke for Karma, look outward to that speck of light in your dark life. That light is your asshole. Go that way to remove your head from from it.

I tell him that they /r/dadjokes.

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1   - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2   - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3   - Half the people you know are below average.

4   - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6   - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7   - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8   - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9   - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah," she replied, "…but I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"

... I thought, that makes sense, it’s a swordfish, they’re good at fencing.

Post: (optical illusion type situation) How many water melons are in this picture?

Everyone else: Numerical guesses.

My dad: "all of them"

The people over at r/funny didn't get it- I hope you guys can appreciate it.

We're all on the same page.

He's 5 and has been learning humor. Most of his jokes make no sense like this:

Knock Knock! Who's there? Hair. Hair who? Hair on my head!

AHAHHAHAHA!

However, the other day he was watching Backyardigans while I was on the computer. I wasn't watching the show and he walks in to my office. He asks "Why did the chicken cross the playground?" I readied myself for a nonsense joke...."To get to the other slide!"

I have never laughed that hard at one if his jokes. ;)

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.

She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"

I said "why do you think that?"

She said "because they probably only bark"

She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"

Me: "I dunno how I'll feel about it"

Her: "Whatcha mean?"

Me: "I'm not sure how I'll feel about kids who will only be half right"

Her: "..."

Me: "But it's okay I guess because they'll be half left too"

Her: "Oh my goodness"

Im a photographer and was telling her about an assignment to photograph a woman and her early 20th century car and that the woman would be wearing authentic era clothing for the portrait.

Me: And she'll be wearing period appropriate clothing. Girlfriend: So she'll be wearing sweatpants?

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Her friend had come along with us to the buffet and was eating something that I can't quite remember now, but she ends up asking "where is the duck sauce?" To which my mom, without even skipping a beat, blurted out the following words with not a single emotion on her face, "probably next to the quackers". I almost choked on my food I was laughing so hard. Love you mom

EDIT: I am now closing applications and will make a decision in the next day or so. Thank you to everybody who applied - the general enthusiasm and support is wonderful to see.

( as this is a self post, I receive no karma - however I would appreciate it if you upvoted purely for visibility <3 )

Hey everybody,

The /r/dadjokes community is now over 85,000 subscribers strong. That's pretty great. Pretty super great.

Thus far, over the entire existence of this sub, I have been the only mod. Quietly watching, taking your feedback, removing a post here, approving another there - doing my best not to interfere too much. I'm going to be honest, it hasn't been that hard.

You lot are generally a pretty nice bunch, give or take a few of the more vocal lunatics. There isn't usually a lot of work to be done, or issues that need resolving.

That said, I'm not awake all the time. I can't lurk on Reddit all the time. I don't have all-seeing eyes.

So it's about time I gave another pair of eyes moderator status and entrusted those eyes with a duty of care.

Let's get down to the chase; here's what I'm looking for in an additional mod:

• You live in a very different timezone to Syd, AU - GMT+10
• You have a good sense of humour
• You're not in this purely to grow your 'net rep
• You're interested in being fair, and maintaining fairness
• You maintain civility in yourself and your responses at all times
• You have a bit of time every day to go through reports, spam, and post comments
• You understand that your moderatorship will initially be a trial, and can be revoked at any time if you aren't being magical and rad
• Some general CSS/subreddit formatting knowledge wouldn't go astray, but is not required

Here's what I am not looking for:

• Strong, cemented opinions about what constitutes a dad joke and what doesn't - everybody's dad and humour is different
• An overzealous post remover - I am not looking for an enforcer, the title moderator implies moderation
• A(nother) dictator - it is my preference that this subreddit be gently guided, and not forcibly ruled, we let the community find itself and we listen to what they say

If you wish to apply for the title and duty of being a moderator to /r/dadjokes, simply state your case (why you should be selected, what benefits or experience you bring, etc) in a comment reply to this thread. I will then get in touch with the most worthy seeming applicants. Upvotes and downvites will not be taken int

I walked into the kitchen wearing a new orange t-shirt.

Me: I wasn't sure I'd look good in orange, but I really like this new shirt.

Dad: You know, I heard orange is the new black.

Me: That's a TV show.

Dad: Oh, that makes so much more sense.

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

"It is hard to believe this is my 7th year pardoning a turkey. Time flies...Even if turkeys don't"

So my whole family went out for the traditional Jewish Christmas Eve dinner of Chinese food, and I marveled at how good the place was, since we'd never tried it out before. Dad says it was a recommendation from a friend of his who I didn't know; I asked what she did and he said she was a 2-year old nursery school teacher.

I replied, "Wow, she must be pretty advanced for a 2-year old if they let her teach nursery school!" My step-mom laughed, then looked at me, then back at my dad, and went "well, he's definitely got your sense of humor."

So, I was pretty worn out the other day and was not even close to my A game in terms of coherent conversation, let alone my sense of humor.

At dinner, the kids wanted some yogurt so my wife got up to get it and asked me, "Do you want some yogurt, Baby?"

I paused for a moment to actually decide whether I wanted some and must have made some weird look, because she immediately followed up with, "I know, I know, 'What's a yogurt baby?'"

The Dad Joke is strong in my home even when I'm not there to do the work. That is good news.

She was buying tickets to a show, and the theater is separated into two sections.

Her: "Do you want to sit in the upper or lower section?"

Me: "Top or bottom. It doesn't matter, I'm bi-sectional."

I got a good glare, and a sense that I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight.

I work in a small office and control the music via my phone. An obscure track from "The Who" started playing...

Boss: "Who is this?"

Me: "Yes."

Boss: "It's [Yes](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yes_(band)?"

Me: "No."

Boss: "Well who is it?"

Me: "Yes."

I let it go two complete loops. Thank goodness he has a sense of humor.

In high school my very best friend and I snuck out and went looking for fun. We were really fired up and he hurried ahead and ran straight into the nearest bar. Luckily, I had the good sense to duck.

This older guy came in with his grandson and paid with a $100. As is policy, I had to use the marker to make sure it was real and look for the line. I asked someone to get me a marker, and the grandpa says, "I promise it's good, made it last night!"

It's nice when people have a sense of humor.

I have written this book to sweep away all misunderstandings about the crafty art of punnery and to convince you that the pun is well worth celebrating.... After all, the pun is mightier than the sword, and these days you are much more likely to run into a pun than into a sword. [A pun is a witticism involving the playful use of a word in different senses, or of words which differ in meaning but sound alike.]

Scoffing at puns seems to be a conditioned reflex, and through the centuries a steady barrage of libel and slander has been aimed at the practice of punning. Nearly three hundred years ago John Dennis sneered, “A pun is the lowest form of wit,” a charge that has been butted and rebutted by a mighty line of pundits and punheads.

Henry Erskine, for example, has protested that if a pun is the lowest form of wit, “It is, therefore, the foundation of all wit.” Oscar Levant has added a tag line: “A pun is the lowest form of humor—when you don’t think of it first.” John Crosbie and Bob Davies have responded to Dennis with hot, cross puns: “...If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor you can tell them that poetry is verse.”

Samuel Johnson, the eighteenth century self-appointed custodian of the English language, once thundered, “To trifle with the vocabulary which is the vehicle of social intercourse is to tamper with the currency of human intelligence. He who would violate the sanctities of his mother tongue would invade the recesses of the national till without remorse... ”

Joseph Addison pronounced that the seeds of punning are in the minds of all men, and tho’ they may be subdued by reason, reflection, and good sense, they will be very apt to shoot up in the greatest genius, that which is not broken and cultivated by the rules of art.

Far from being invertebrate, the inveterate punster is a brave entertainer. He or she loves to create a three-ring circus of words: words clowning, words teetering on tightropes, words swinging from tent tops, words thrusting their head into the mouths of lions. Punnery can be highly entertaining, but it is always a risky business. The humor can fall on its face, it can lose its balance and plunge into the sawdust, or it can be decapitated by the snapping shut of jaws. While circus performers often receive laughter or applause for their efforts, punsters often draw an obligatory groan for theirs. But the fact that most people groan at, rather than laugh at, puns doesn’t mean that the punnery isn’t fu

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

• Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
• It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
• What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
• Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
• Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
• Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
• If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
• Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
• Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
• American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
• The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
• Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
• Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
• Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
• Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
• Rittal me this, Batman!
• Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
• Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
• If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
• When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
• You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
• Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
• Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
• Don't think Seton is

My friend (L) and I (B) ended up in a pun war. She had to wake up super early to catch a flight, and this was at about one in the morning:

L: I should definitely set my alarm to 'cow' o.O

B: Haha, do it. Nothing like waking up to cows in the 'moo'rning.

L: Oh my gosh. Absolutely not.

B: Hey, but it would be so 'udder'ly hilarious!

L: I just got stabbed to death by a pun.

B: I'm just trying to 'milk' it for all it's worth...

L: If I did that, I'm not sure I'd wake up in a happy 'moo'od.

B: Just drink some 'calf'inated coffee, and you'll be fine.

L: I'd be laughing 'stock' of the town... Cows don't have a sense of humor.

B: Bull!

L: I'll just use my cowculator do determine how much sleep I'm actually going to get tonight...

B: You could wake up a little later, but you'd have to 'hoof' it to the airport.

L: Hope the weather is good, so my plane isn't 'ground'ed 'beef'.

B: That's stretching it... You should make more of an 'heifer't to come up with good puns.

L: I know when I'm getting creamed.

B: It's hard to 'steer' you in the right direction, because you keep changing topics.

L: That's udderly ridiculous. I'm just trying to mooove on.

B: And I just keep churning 'em out...

L: No, you're just spinning your 'veal's.

B: That's one of the best ones I've herd all night!

L: I thought I might've butchered it...

B: PETA might have a beef with you because of it, though...

L: Well done, well done...

B: I don't think they care leather or not you personally slaughtered it, too.

L: See now, I wish you'd stop 'grilling' me about the bad puns... You should 'patty' yourself on the back. I 'dairy' you to come up with more.

B: Well, you can certainly steak a claim for being able to hold your own...

L: I'm a natural 'barn' comedian. However, I really should quit 'yak'king and go to bed. :p

B: Okay, that's not cows... You lose. You 'cud' have done a lot better.

L: The grass is greener on the other side, okay? Also, cows live in barns, and yaks are related to cows.

B: It was still quite a stretch... Don't have a cow about it.

L: Ha anymoo. Goodnight! Also, don't die of mad cow disease.

My dad looks over at a cranky old waitress and says "this lady has a good sense of humor."

I'm puzzled for a few seconds and then I see her nametag: HA.

This Father's Day, I took my dad out to a movie, just the two of us. We saw Godzilla (which was quite good!). Later that night, we all had dinner with my grandparents and aunt's family. I was telling my grandpa about the movie. I said something like "It was good! But it was intense."

"Well that doesn't make sense," he said. "Why wouldn't they have it in the movie theather?"

I looked at him confusedly, and then he grinned, and said "Well, it would make more sense to have it in the theater, rather than in tents."

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics – the only department of linguistics where it’s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

So, let's start off with a fact about myself: I'm vegetarian. I've been one my whole life. Now, let's get to the story.

Basically, I was driving down to camp at a Battleship with my dad (for a Boy Scouts trip), and this was during my first 6 months of learning to drive. This was the most intense trip for me (so far), and I was already nervous about driving on the interstate, so I was doing my best to practice proper driver etiquette.

Now, here's where the story gets interesting. I'm cruising down the interstate, going approximately 70 mph in the middle lane, when all of a sudden, I see a deer emerge onto the road from the right. It's running to the left (aka, trying to cross this interstate). The car to the right of me slams on the brakes, so the deer kept running. I slammed on my breaks as hard as I could, BARELY missing the deer. The car to the left of me was unlucky. The deer smashes its head into the left car's headlight and it flips over to the right (over my car). Clearly, it's dead, and as it flipped over my car, a lot of its blood gets onto my windshield.

I'm horrified. I kept driving forward. Trying to make sure I didn't veer off or anything. I look to my dad, and my hands are slightly shaking while I'm continuing this trip. My dad looks over to me, smiles, and says, "Don't worry, my 'deer'. Keep driving."

I looked back at him with the most disgusted face, and he just started giggling. Good god, this was NOT the time for a dad joke, but nevertheless, my dad didn't fail to deliver.

I thought I'd hate him forever after this and people would agree with me, but now this joke gets one of the largest laughs from people at parties. <_<

tl;dr My dad's sense of humor appalls me.

I spent a good portion of my youth rolling my eyes at my father's jokes. But deep down, I loved 'em. I have a great Dad. But I'm not really the best at saying "I love you". I was reading /r/dadjokes recently and I had an idea. I should turn my Dad's favorite joke into a t-shirt. Then, on Father's Day, I could video chat with him while I wear the shirt.

I think he would love the shit out of that, you know? Like, maybe he will think "Wow, my son gets it. He actually likes my humor!"

Then I thought, I could turn a bunch of these jokes into shirts. So I did. You can see them here:

http://www.funnyshirts.org/s/dadjokes

And then I thought, man, if I could get more people to do nothing else on Father's Day but to embrace their Dad's sense of humor... that would be pretty cool. It would make a lot of Dads happy.

So I wrote the Dad Joke Manifesto:

http://dadjokemanifesto.tumblr.com/themanifesto

You don't have to use t-shirts. Just make a good joke. Employ puns. Think about your Dad's style, his favorite joke, and embrace it.

If you can dig it, then join the movement. Send me your favorite Dad Jokes. Join us on:

Facebook

Twitter

Tumblr

If nothing else, follow along for some good dad jokes.

I work at a grocery store where we sell fresh produce, and a costumer was asking about the ramps we have on the counter, asking if they were scapes. I look him dead in the eye and reply "No, these are ramps. Though ramps are a good means of a scape (escape)."

He started laughing while his wife just groaned at our sense of humor.

I then proceeded to tell it to all of my co-workers much to their dismay.

My Dad has thrown me some pretty good/bad dad jokes in his time... but yesterday he sat me down on the couch and started telling me about a frog who couldn't get a loan from the bank. He looked really concerned and it went something like this...

"... so this frog really just wants a loan, and decides to try one last time. He walks up to the teller, a Mrs Patricia Wak. P.W: Hello sir what can I do for you? F: I'm just after a $30,000 loan. Can you help P.W: Wow, that's a really large loan. What collateral do you have? F: Just this little toy elephant (pulls out from pocket) P.W: I'm afraid that's not going to secure the loan, sir. Do you have anything else? F: No P.W: Well them I'm afraid we can't help you

And the frog starts to well up and cry, he starts howling inconsolably and is an absolute mess F: You don't understand! I need this loan! Please, my name is Froggy Jagger. I come from a long line of Jaggers, my father Mick is good for the money now please help me! P.W: I'm sorry but a little toy elephant is never going to secure you... F: I want to see a manager!!

So Patricia Wak goes and gets her manager, and the frog tells the man about his need for a $30,000 loan. The manager agrees and pulls Patricia aside to explain why...

P.W: I don't understand this guy, what's the deal with the little elephant? M: It's a knick-knack, Patty Wak! Give the frog a loan! His old man's a rolling stone!

Dad then proceeded to slap his knee and laugh wildly while I stood up and walked away.

(I think this joke makes a lot more sense if you're an Australian...)

My mother and sister were in the kitchen talking about the menu of a local restaurant.

Mom: "I wonder what kind of soup I should get..."

Sister: "I heard their bean soup was pretty good..."

My father was in another part of the house and, as if he was overcome by a spidey-sense like tingling for a dadjoke opportunity, came running down the stairs into the kitchen and said:

Dad: "I don't care what it's 'been' what is it now!"

They groaned while he and I chuckled.