Dad: Will you give it back?
It's Britney bench
He picked out a Butterfinger from his bag, held it up, and said “Kit-Kats are good but these are butter.”
Mom: Can you come out?
Kid: Yeah, gimme a minute.
Kid: Mom, I'm gay.
Mom: I know that silly, come out to the car.
Kid: Car, I'm gay.
He said "Gimme asec".
The second one said “thanks, you’re a lifesaver!” The first one responded “actually I’m a KitKat”
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My friend once told me she watched Regular Show all the time. I said, "I guess you could say you watch it regularly." We are not friends anymore. (True Story)
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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
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I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning… But I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!
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Looks tasty. Gimme a pizza that.
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Why do eggs hate jokes? The answers always crack them up!
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What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? "Hey, close the door! I'm dressing!"
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Somebody stole all my lamps…. And I couldn't be more de-lighted!
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I once met a pig that did karate… We called him Pork Chop!
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Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!
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My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!
(Source For All Puns Except The First) https://bestlifeonline.com/bad-funny-puns/
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
I told him to forget the photo and just gimme a pint.
They're getting married in the spring!
I made a pun. Now gimme gold plz!
Gimme a brake!
(remember kids, follow the traffic laws)
Homer: gimme the money
Guy at the bank: Give you the what?
Homer: d’oh!!!
Obi-Wan Cannoli.
Gimme a beer and a mop
Gimme two fried eggs.
Me a Kit Kat thief? oh gimme a break!
Me: "I'll have the quesadillas please."
Dad: "A whole case of dillas?! How about you just have one dilla then see how you feel."
We are a singing group and we need a team name related to Valentine's Day. Gimme your best punny team name that involves love or singing or both!
Disappointed, I muttered under my breath "gimme a break"
Dad: Dinner's almost ready
Me: Alrighty. Gimme a bit.
Dad walks out then comes back a couple minutes later. He places a drill bit on my desk.
Me: What's this for?
Dad: You told me to give you a bit.
A couple of weeks ago, we were at home with my husband, having a few drinks at the end of the week and just relaxing. I had a glass of Dr. Pepper in front of me that I mixed with some rum. He came up and asked me if I wanted to grab "something stronger," assuming it was straight Pepper in the glass. I declined, saying that it's already mixed.
Him: "Didn't realize it was already doctored."
Me: "Yup, a doctored Doctor. Gimme the news."
I'll just show myself out. You're welcome for the earworm.
In the song "Unchained" by Van Halen...
Dave: "Hey man, that suit is you. You'll get some leg tonight for sure. Tell us how you do!"
Ted: "Come on Dave, gimme a break."
Dave: "Hey, hey, hey, one break coming up!"
Video: http://youtu.be/xx86CxKYtg0?t=2m19s
