After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.

Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.

Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,

I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xxUsernameMichael
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, β€œDo you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, β€œYes please.”

Waiter: β€œNo problem sir. Today is special.”

Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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What do you call a generous herb agriculturalist?

A Cilanthropist

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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A generous moderator of a subreddit walks into a bar.

And orders everyone around.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2018
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My best friend is always funny and generous

A real stand-up guy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mihnea24_03
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
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Rick Astley is an avid Disney/Pixar collector and very generous at that if you ask him to he will borrow you any DVD in his collection except one

He's never gonna give you 'Up'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattmilli1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
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Who is the most generous pop star?

Cher

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πŸ‘€︎ u/apb536
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
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Husband: tonight I want to be generous. Ask me whatever you want in bed...

Wife: ok, please don’t snore

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yubimarcano
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
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Generous Man.

My dad walks into poundland to buy one item and pays with one pound and then turns to the cashier and says "keep the change" and walks out the shop all smug.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2013
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As my dad was walking me down the aisle of my third wedding he goes...

You know Erin, I keep giving you away but they keep giving you back

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chygurl
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.

It seems like a which hunt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2018
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Someone knocked on my door today asking for small donations for the local pool.

I felt generous so I gave him a couple glasses of water.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ennsy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
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An iceberg walks into a bar

Orders a single beer and leaves 200 USD

Bartender: Wow! That's way too generous! Iceberg: That's just the tip of an iceberg!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/n1had
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2017
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I once threw a quarter into the San Andreas...

I have always wanted to be generous to a fault.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cleanandclever
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
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Supermarket Jokes

What supermarket has the most generous portions?

Giant food.

Which one has the most carefully measured portions?

Safeway (safe weigh).

What's the most deceptive supermarket?

Food lion.

And the worst rated one?

Aldi's (All D's).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattz0rt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
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Why don't torrenters ever get convicted?

Because they're generous seeders, and they have to be tried by a jury of their peers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IncompotentCyborg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
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asking for a loan

Mr. Sterling Frogsen was desperate. After a few months of success, his bakery was beginning to flounder and running in the red. He was a proud man who was proud of starting his small business without asking for any help. But now times were tough and he had to face the fact that without a loan his bakery was doomed.

So he went to local bank but was disheartened to see that the loan officer was the notorious Patricia Wacomb, the hard-nosed banker who only agreed to sure bets and rarely took risks.

"Please, ma'am, I am in sore need of this loan! My bakery is only going through a temporary setback!" Normally such pleas fell on deaf ears, but today Patricia was feeling generous. Something about Mr. Frogsen moved her and she believed his plight.

"Mr. Frogsen, I would approve this loan, but this bank cannot afford to take any risks."

"Is there anything you can do, Ms. Wacomb? I am desperate!"

"Well, do you have any collateral?"

"Only this family heirloom," Sterling responded while handing Patricia his prized family treasure. Patricia was at a loss, however, for she had never seen anything like that before.

"Let me ask my manager," she responded as she showed her director the prized heirloom. His eyes opened wide in amazement as he told her,

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack, now give the Frog a loan!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mxwp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
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Have to say this one for it to make sense

This is a kerry man joke, but it applies A Kerry-man's wife is feeling generous one day and asks him one day if he would like super sex? The Kerry-man thinks for a second and then asks his wife: "What kind of soup is it?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thyratethepyrate
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
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My girlfriend broke up with me

Ruth and I, we were perfect together. She made me a better person. I was kind, generous, and understanding when I was with her.

But now that she's left me, I am Ruth-less.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/grub-worm
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2016
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Bill Bryson's Dad

I was at an event where Bill Bryson was speaking and he told this story about his father.

We were going to the San Andres Fault and when we got there we were all taking in this incredible scar running across the landscape and my father suddenly throws a quarter into the fault. When we looked at him confused, he just said, "I've always strove to be generous to a fault."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Falling323
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2016
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What talk show host gives the most to other people

Ellen de generous

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πŸ‘€︎ u/akjohnston87
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2017
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Baby tried to feed a tennis ball to a plush moose...

9 month old is trying to be generous, and puts teething toys (or anything he can grab) in other people's mouths. It's very nice.

He had one of the dog's tennis balls, and tried to put it in this giant stuffed moose's mouth.

Me to wife: "He seems so concerned that it's not eating."

Wife to me: "Well, he hasn't eaten in years."

Me to wife: "He can't eat any more, he's stuffed."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/surfrock66
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2015
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Bill Bryson's dad vs the San Andreas Fault

I went and saw author Bill Bryson speak last night and he told us how his dad used to make the most wonderful puns. I'll paraphrase best I can:

They had traveled from Iowa to California on vacation, and they were driving along the coast. They stopped at an informational plaque at the San Andreas Fault, and his dad walked straight up to the huge crack in the ground and threw a quarter in. When the kids asked why he did that, he simply responded "I've always wanted to be generous to a fault."

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2014
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I got my Donor Card in the mail today

It was generously given to me by someone else

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πŸ‘€︎ u/grayworks
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2014
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