Me: Someone told me that there’s a fruit that’s an excellent source of potassium.

Her: That’s bananas.

Me: Yeah, I was shocked too.

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs

Number 3 will shock you

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LinkRar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend accused me of stealing his thesaurus.

Not only was I shocked, I was appalled, distraught, surprised, and taken aback.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Told my wife I was quitting my job today to become an electrician

She was shocked.

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yet-another-dad
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My son was playing with electricity, so I grounded him.

He wasn't shocked.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xxxeye4neyexxx
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a defibrillator joke

I won’t say it cuz in all fairness it’s too shocking

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josentangles
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof

I was shocked

πŸ‘︎ 174
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Camaschor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?

The results may shock you

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skinnan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My son didn't understand what i do as an electrician.

He was shocked after i explained.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried climbing a fence today,

I was shocked to find out it was an electric fence

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jxryd
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife dared doubt my craftsmanship when I was changing over the light switch.

Haha, she's in for a shock

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I was watching an Australian cooking show ...

... and the audience clapped when the chef made meringue.

I was shocked when I found out that Australians usually boo meringue.

πŸ‘︎ 170
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deerollz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
13 of my BEST Jokes

I used to be addicted to soap but ... I am clean now.

I am addicted to brake fluid but ... I can stop anytime.

If you are attacked by a group of clowns ... go for the juggler.

I just moved and IMMEDIATELY after we move in he starts banging on my door every night yelling at me ... coincidentally I just happen to be playing my drums those nights so I could easily tune him out.

I was just diagnosed with colorblindness ... It came right out of the purple.

I failed math so many times at school ... I can’t even count.

Once i threw a boomerang, it never came back, ... Now I live in CONSTANT fear

When life gives you melons ... you might be dyslexic.

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline ... She hit the ceiling!

There are 3 types of people in this world, those who can count ... and those who can't

They say three out of five people suffer from diarrhea ... so ... does that mean two out of five enjoy it?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toydles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I was putting the outlet cover back on the wall while my wife was working at the computer with her back to me...

She said β€œwhat are you doing? What is that noise?” I said β€œI’ve been screwing around behind your back.” She whipped around in shock and saw me, screwdriver in hand, screwing in the outlet cover.

I found it way more entertaining then she did.

πŸ‘︎ 261
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arthritictongue
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A Panda Walks into a Bar

A panda walks into a bar one day. He casually walks to the bar and sits on a bar stool.

The bartender thinks this is a bit odd, a panda walking into a bar isn’t something that normally happens to him.

He approaches the panda regardless and asks, β€œWhat can I get you?”

The panda grabs a menu off the bar, opens it and points to a cheeseburger.

The bartender is very impressed by this and so he decides to go ahead and make the cheeseburger for the panda.

The panda gets his cheeseburger, devours it, savoring every last bit. He then wipes its mouth with a napkin, impressing the bartender even more.

But then suddenly the panda pulls out a gun and shoots everyone in the bar, except for the bartender.

The bartender stands there in total shock, soaked in blood, and can only ask the panda, β€œWhy?”

The panda pulls a dictionary from his fur coat and turns to the bartender. He flips the book to the P section, places it on the bar, and points to his picture. Then he turns and walks out the door without looking back.

The bartender leans down and reads the entry next to Panda. It says…

β€œPanda: A wild animal that eats, shoots and leaves.”

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Donorob
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A shocking story

My freshman year in high school (96-97), I was in choir, and we drove up in a big coach bus to Magic Mountain for a choir competition.

Approaching San Onofre, the driver told us a "little known fact" that if you put your hand on the window while passing under those jumbo power lines coming from the plant, you can feel a moderately painful shock. Being gullible teenagers, a lot of us tried it.

We passed under, and the driver asked if we felt any pain. There were scattered replies in the negative. The diver said, "You didn't feel the window pane?"

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wasntmyproudest
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad Jokes

It was a brisk Saturday morning when Gerald arrived at β€œThe CafΓ©,” a hip coffee shop right down the street. Wearing his large, burly black coat, he stared hesitantly at his watch. Thick glasses adorned his bright blue eyes, his gaze like starlight in a clear night sky. He was waiting, intently twiddling his thumbs. After a buzz of his phone, the message from Dad popped up: β€œParking now, be there in 5.”

β€œDad,” he whispered under his breath, swiping the message away to once again reveal the image on his lock-screen: a hazy picture of an ultrasound.

Gerald had not spoken to his father for three years. They had had a falling out, over which he did not remember. To him it was a competition of who could wait the longest without calling or sending a text. Who could wait the longest: him without a father, or his father without a son? The idea of friction in the relationship hurt like a thorn; piercing his soul more and more everyday. Until recently, out of the blue, β€œDad” popped up on his phone. The rest is history. The rest leads to that Saturday morning, at The CafΓ©.

Bang! A car door rang out not too far from where Gerald stood. Gerald saw him. His father wore his tweed jacket like a coat of armor. His strut was now weaker than before they stopped talking; a weakness evident in his cane which supported every right step. His shortly trimmed white beard juxtaposed against his uncut, curly grey hair gave him the image of a wise wizard from a fairytale. He used to be that figure to Gerald, yet instead of a nice ancient being acting like a stone to keep him grounded, Gerald had felt as though his father was a rock pulling him deeper and deeper into a sea of monotony. Holding him back from his true potential. Maybe that was why he left? He still did not know.

β€œHello, son,” came the withered voice Gerald had sook for so long, yet now that it had arrived wanted to avoid. β€œI can’t believe it’s been so long!”

β€œYeah,” said Gerald, allowing a smile to grace his face. β€œToo long!”

Then they hugged, signifying a change in their relationship. Gerald had hoped something could happen to bring them closer together. He did not want to go on wondering what could have been. The regret and sadness weighed him down. Before starting a new family, Gerald wanted to be reacquainted with his own.

After finding their table and sitting down, the two began to discuss life. It was like old friends catching up after a long break. Although it took some time, Gerald began to warm u

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sullyrr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I often hide my personal stuff in an electric socket

It's a shocking place to find them

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jacob_crozier
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A constipated man goes to visit his doctor.

"Doc, I haven't pooped in a week! Please help!"

Doc says sure, and writes him a prescription for a weeks worth of suppositories.

Man comes back the next day, "doc, I took the entire script last night, but nothing happened!"

The doc is shocked, as in his experience suppositories are very effective, and after taking a weeks worth he should have definitely had a BM. Oh well, the doc thinks, and gives him another weeks worth.

Guy comes back the next day. The doc says incredulously, "you've taken 2 weeks worth of suppositories in 2 days, and nothing happened?!?! What are you doing with them, eating them?!?!"

The man replies, "What'd you expect me to do with them, Shove 'em up my ass?!?!"



I don't know if this would normally be considered a dad joke, but it's my dad's favorite joke so I think it should count.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.

But when it does, no one is shocked.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stinkerhubbin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store.

The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

πŸ‘︎ 155
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juicy-tomato
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad was and electrician,

He was shocked when I was born.

My dad actually used this one on me today. I have so much to learn.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/heyzeus3891
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Gerald, a young bull elephant was using the bathroom at his girlfriend's Bethany's apartment when he noticed one of those little pregnancy test things, tucked behind the cupboard...

... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...

Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!

OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"

A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...

Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?

He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.

Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.

Finally, he could take it no longer...

"Bethany..." he said

"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fractiousrhubarb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was 3, I touched an electric socket.

The results were pretty shocking.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrazyArmy2019
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend sat on a battery the other day.

I asked if they were shocked?

I know, I know, it’s a revolting joke.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/davidwayland
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Anaphylactic?

That's a shock.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kindquail502
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Found out I'm the worst plumber/electrician in the world when I rewired the toilet.

It was a massive shock to the cistern.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kimenon001
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
When Mary had a little lamb, the labor and delivery doctor was surprised...

When Old MacDonald had a farm, the doctor died of shock.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
The Dad , the Daughter and her prayers.

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says β€œGod bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.” The father says, β€œGood bye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, β€œJust because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter’s prayers again. She says, β€œGod bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, β€œJust because I felt like it.” The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn’t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, β€œGod bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.” The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn’t go home and stays there until midnight. He’s very surprised. β€˜I’ve cheated death!’ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, β€œWhere have you been?!” and the husband says, β€œOh don’t ask me any questions, today’s been miserable.” The wife replies, β€œYour days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch…”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HereIsAFookinName
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a guy going around telling people to touch a naked wire he has been carrying with him.

I was shocked.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/polkadipolka
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A gentleman is shipwrecked...

And on waking discovered himself to be on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around for a while and sees dark red grass, dark red birds, and dark red fruit in dark red trees. He is shocked when he finds that his skin is also dark red. "Aaargh!" he cries "I've been marooned!"

My dad emailed me that one back in 2009.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Confusing_Musings
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard of the man who survived the electric chair

I was shocked but he wasn't

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dazar0766gaming
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Somebody told me a joke about electricity.

It was shocking!

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Ive invented a new phone charger

The results are shocking.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/minamo99
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a fancy new toaster...

Despite all the new features, I was pretty shocked to find out it wasn’t waterproof.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SyncingShiip
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Excellent customer service.

I bought a T-Shirt the other day but it kept giving me static electric shocks every time I tried to wear it.

I took it back to the store and they kindly replaced it with another one free of charge.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PringyUK
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Got struck by lightning today

It was shocking

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karma-enigma
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop talking in clickbait.

What happened next will shock you!

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jradio610
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Emma Watson

I just shook Emma WATTson's hand , I was so shocked.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sabresdewolf
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A student is arrested and brought to court for carrying a weapon to his morning lecture

Judge: Why did you bring a taser to your lecture?

Defendent: Well you see sir, I have a hard time getting up in the morning. But I’m not a big fan of soft drinks or coffee, so I thought the next best thing was to give me a good shock.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pumped_Pipe
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
🚨︎ report
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof

I was shocked.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I was watching an Australian cooking show when the audience started applauding when the chef made a meringue.

I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I found out my toaster isn't waterproof

I was shocked

πŸ‘︎ 207
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mlenotyou
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I found out today my toaster isn’t waterproof.

I was shocked.

πŸ‘︎ 146
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Arkham_Asylum27
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report

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