Haven't seen anyone post all year!
(Happy New Year from Australia everyone!)
And things got a little tense.
In Heinzsight you probably can't
I told my son he should be a cement contractor. I told him that field has a solid future.
It feels like their days are numbered.
Which is witch ?
It’s about time.
A Four chin teller
I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias
If there's anything you want to know, about what's going to happen, just ask me.
It all started next Tuesday
Then Soviet
The doctor arrives and after a quick inspection he calms the crowd:
“Don’t worry, he just got disco-nnected.”
Why are you still holding onto last year’s shit?
You really are a head of your time
Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight.
—
My 9yr old son just told me this 🤪
It's intense tense in tents
There was milk in the fridge
But it was a real fortune smeller.
He said, “Don’t. There’s no future in it.”
I guess the vision for the future is getting worse.
In 1,000 years, snails will evolve into being an advanced civilization. They will develop their own advanced technologies. In an effort to increase their mobility, they will equip their shells to be modular vehicles called Snail Cars, S-Car for short. Since snails do not have upper extremities, controlling the cars will be voice activated. The initiation command would be, "S-Car, GO!" 😂🤣
My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level.
Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers.
At least I found it hilarious and so did she. Hope you guys enjoy this!
I said "No, but I can do a great Bohemian Rhapsody"
They truly were ahead of their time
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡Then it dawned on me
It's how I tell the future
After all, it always costs more for a womb with a view.
Kiddo: Geez whiz dad, we didn't get any snow at all this year!
Papa: Yeah, it never used to be like this back in the colden days...
Everyone: sigh
It took 6 minutes to put on. It was a waist of thyme
...it was tense.
Things got a little tense.
I told my son he should be a cement contractor. I told him that field has a solid future.
It was tense
Things got a little tense
You really are a head of your times
It was tense
It was tense.
It was tense.
