Hare-ass-ment for y'all.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arctucrus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
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Constipation prise
πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/South_Bathroom
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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If you want to make easy money, just take pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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I used to hate facial hair

But then it grew on me

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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Trump wants to leave America?

Okay, Biden.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CyberOGa3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Not ment for that subreddit reddit.com/r/Showerthough…
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/galgal628
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
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Pigs

Person 1: I will marry you when pigs fly.

Me: Swine Flu...

(end up getting married to my bae...con)

Not a true story. Something from the pig-ment of my imagination.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jslee_beats0608
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
One day I invited a friend of mine over to my apartment.

When he arrived, he saw a lot of decorations related to frogs and asked me why.

I said: "It's because I'm trying to pull a prank on my flatmate. I'm trying to see how long it takes him to realise that our apartment is filled with frogs."

My friend said: "It's a nice prank ngl. Has he been close to finding out you live with apartment full of frog decorations?"

I said: "Not yet but I'm really starting to panic."

He asked me why and I said: "Because this type of prank is not easy. It requires a lot of Kermit-ment"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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Why was the beer quarantined?

It had the Coronavirus

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wiggle-123
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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What do you give to a sick pig?

Oink-ment

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mush_Tilly
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
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I tried these S brand mints, they tasted like ass.

But that's just my ass-ess-ment.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kashindabank
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Engagement

What comes before a shotgun marriage?
En-gauge-ment

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sfajason
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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What do you put on a grumpy Christmas tree?

Ornery-ments

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordTrollsworth
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
A cow gave me fantastic life advice

The cow told me to live in the moo-ment.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Victhemag
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
So would a person who sells boats be a. . .

Sailsman?

πŸ‘︎ 142
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adventurer_3x
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2015
🚨︎ report
I have a problem wearing both my winter gloves...

I'm just afraid of co-mitten-ment

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dawnguardian286
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What do pigs put on their rashes?

Oink-ment

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πŸ‘€︎ u/royalnelson
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My kid was asking why flamingos were pink.

I told him that is the pigment in the shrimp....

The pink-ment

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JakeK9999999
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report
100 Paw-sitively Meow-nificent Cat Purr-ns Fur Mew to Use Whenev-fur Mew Need
  • Allow => A-meow
  • Apology => A-paw-logy
  • Appalling => A-paw-ling
  • Attitude => Cat-titude
  • Awesome => Paw-some / Claw-some
  • Awful => Claw-ful / Paw-ful
  • Because => Be-claws
  • Before => Be-fur
  • Bother => Bo-fur
  • Catastrophe => Cat-astrophe
  • Catastrophic => Cat-astrophic
  • Catch => Cat-ch
  • Clever => Claw-ver
  • Confusing => Con-fur-sing
  • Congratulations => Con-cat-ulations
  • Different => Dif-fur-rent
  • Disappearance => Disa-purr-ance
  • Familiar => Fur-miliar
  • Feeling => Feline
  • For => Fur
  • For real => Fur real
  • Forever => Fur-ever
  • Forget => Fur-get
  • Fortunate => Fur-tunate
  • Forward => Fur-ward
  • Friend => Fur-end
  • Furious => Fur-ious
  • Further => Fur-ther
  • Get or Got => Cat
  • Help me out => Help meow-t
  • History => Hiss-tory
  • Hysterical => Hiss-terical
  • Inferior => In-fur-ior
  • Kidding me => Kitten me
  • Konnichiwa => Konnichi-paw
  • Literally => Litter-ally
  • Literature => Litter-a-ture
  • Lost => Claw-st
  • Lying => Lion
  • Magnificent => Meow-nificent
  • Marvellous => Meow-velous
  • Minimum => Mew-nimum
  • Misery => Mew-sery
  • Moment => Mew-ment
  • Mountain => Meow-ntain
  • Move => Mew-v
  • Music => Mew-sic
  • Musician => Meow-sician
  • Never => Nev-fur
  • New => Mew
  • Now => Meow
  • Over => Ov-fur
  • Paper => Pay-purr
  • Pardon me => Paw-don me
  • Pause => Paws
  • Perfect => Purr-fect
  • Perhaps => Purr-haps
  • Permission => Purr-mission
  • Person => Purr-son
  • Personal => Purr-sonal
  • Persuasion => Purr-suasion
  • Places => Purr-laces
  • Please => Paw-lease
  • Portable => Paw-table
  • Positive => Paw-sitive
  • Possibility => Paw-sibility
  • Possibly => Paw-sibly
  • Precious => Purr-ecious
  • Prefer => Paw-fer
  • Preposterous => Pre-paw-sterous
  • Pretty => Purr-ty
  • Priceless => Purr-iceless
  • Prince => Purr-ince
  • Princess => Purr-incess
  • Puns => Purr-ns
  • Purpose => Purr-pose
  • Referring => Re-fur-ing
  • Respond => Res-paw-nd
  • Simple => Sim-paw-le
  • Suffer => Suf-fur
  • Superior => Su-purr-ior
  • Tale => Tail
  • Talent => Tail-ent
  • Tell => Tail
  • That’s all => Cat’s all
  • Unfortunate => Un-fur-tunate
  • Very => Furry
  • Whenever => Whene-fur
  • Wonderful => Won-fur-ful
  • You => Mew
  • Apologize => A-paw-logize
  • First => Furr-st
  • How are you? => Meow are mew?
  • Morning => Meowrning
  • Phon
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eyl327
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2017
🚨︎ report
What did the rock say his favorite candy was?

He SED-A-MENT

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/godless_hippy
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2016
🚨︎ report
Why am I seeing fruit everywhere?

They must be a fig-ment of my imagination.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/woefulStargazer
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2016
🚨︎ report
Where did the dog go to get over his Milkbone addiction?

To the treat-ment center.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sircolincollins
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad joked by the Decemberists.

I attended a Decemberists concert this evening. Before the encore, the drummer, John, insisted that he tell us a joke.

"Did you hear about the pig who had a cut on his leg? Yeah, his friend came by and asked, 'Would you like me to get you some OINK-ment?'"

The only sound that followed was that of myself clapping.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aMightyWizard
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2015
🚨︎ report
Not a father but I used this on my GF

My girlfriend and I were in the vet's office when she mentioned seeing a cat in the middle of the road that had been struck by a car earlier that day. We had both seen it and she said that there needed to be a moment of silence for the fallen kitty.

I said, "more like a meowment of silence..."

She called me an idiot as I laughed for a good minute or so.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ANDTHEMETSWIN
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad put this on one us during breakfest

My little sister and I are trying to explain to my dad what ratchet ment, out of no where he says "I don't appreciate your guys language" everyone was confused and said what? He responds with "you guys are keep saying rat shit" we all groaned loudly

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/starkiller2196
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2014
🚨︎ report

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