How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

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π€︎ u/hawkeye45_
π︎ Apr 25
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As the cop knocked on my door, I just stayed in complete silence. He then knocked again. Determined not to give myself away, I just stayed still.

Cop: "Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window."

Mee: "You are not coming in."

Cop: "I don't want to come in. I want you to step out of your car !!"

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π€︎ u/VERBERD
π︎ Mar 13
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It has recently been discovered that William Tell and his son belonged to a bowling league. But Swiss historians have not been able to determine the name of the league's sponsors.

We may never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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π€︎ u/klwill1192
π︎ Oct 19 2020
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Iβve been trying to solve a complicated maths question to take my mind off my constipation. Today, using only a pencil and sheer determination...

I finally worked it out.

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π€︎ u/Dongwaffler
π︎ Dec 26 2020
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"Confucius Says...War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left."
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π︎ Oct 13 2020
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There's a new show on BBC where heroin junkies can determine via experts, how much money they've shot up over the years.

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π€︎ u/Rossco1874
π︎ Nov 19 2020
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King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.

Sir Veyor

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π€︎ u/bombsaway1083
π︎ Nov 09 2020
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My ex left me because I was determined to buy van and sell spaghetti out of the back, she told me it wouldnβt work

Should have seen her face when I drove pasta

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π€︎ u/Bigg_UN
π︎ Nov 20 2020
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Archaeologists found traces of Trinitrotoluene in a T-Rex skeleton. Scientists have since determined that T-Rex's muscles used the compound to function.

TNT. It's dino might.

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π€︎ u/veive
π︎ Sep 14 2020
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Apparently they have determined that diarrhoea is now hereditary...

Itβs known to run in jeans.

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π€︎ u/JLangvee
π︎ Nov 09 2020
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My flat-earther friend was determined to walk to the edge of the world to prove it's flat.

in the end, he came around.

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π︎ Aug 21 2020
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The World Health Organization has determined that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. All dogs being held in quarantine will be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

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π€︎ u/tregratinator
π︎ Jun 26 2020
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A judge is hearing a case. 'The people V. United Parcel Service' and determines that the trucks area nuisance and a danger to the town. He decides to ban all their trucks from the town and calls his ruling:

'UPS Truck Shun of Justice'

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π€︎ u/UnexampledSalt
π︎ Apr 22 2020
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I'm determined to walk with my wife across the second largest state in the USA, even if she wants to walk across the largest.

Regardless if it Texas along time, Alaska.

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π€︎ u/zippysausage
π︎ May 28 2020
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What does Jack Frost use to determine if it's cold enough to start hanging icicles?

His test-icles

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π€︎ u/steeple_fun
π︎ May 09 2020
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My toddler was counting his fingers, and determined he had six.

I said βoh, well let me take one of those off your hands for youβ

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π︎ May 21 2020
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How do you determine the sex of a cell?

You pull down it's genes

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π︎ Dec 06 2019
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Why was the miner so determined to complete digging on a second plot of land?

Because he had one tract mined.

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π€︎ u/EurassesDragon
π︎ Mar 29 2020
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Scientists have determined exactly what will spell the end of the world

D.

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π€︎ u/el_gregorio
π︎ Dec 26 2019
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To determine the gender of a parrot you have to stick your finger in the cage. If he bites you, he's a male...

If she bites you, she's a female.

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π€︎ u/Jan_Tik
π︎ Sep 06 2019
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Who determines if someone died from Corona?

The coronar

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π€︎ u/jpereira73
π︎ Mar 08 2020
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At 2:00PM a NASA scientist passes out....

After he is revived the medics find out the last time he ate was at breakfast. They determine that he had a "failure to lunch."

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π€︎ u/FelixTheCrazy
π︎ Feb 17
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Hey guys if you need to determine how Basic a chick is.

Use a Litness test.

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π€︎ u/Konebred
π︎ Sep 20 2019
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A great thing about communism is that your value is pre determined...

β€β€β€ And you're priceless β€β€β€

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π€︎ u/DiabolicPotato
π︎ Nov 18 2019
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My wife told me to stop stealing her kitchen utensils or else.

But that's a whisk I'm willing to take.

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π€︎ u/klwill1192
π︎ Aug 31 2020
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I would tell you a dad joke

But Maury Povich determined that I am not the father.

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π€︎ u/eurotrashcc
π︎ Feb 13
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What technology does the Chinese Government use to determine which dance moves are appropriate and respectable?

Motion censors

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π€︎ u/boogerknows
π︎ Oct 24 2019
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To determine if Iβm moving fast or slow...

...I must determine if Iβm Russian or Stalin.

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π︎ Jan 23 2019
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If you take a dozen cows and get rid of two you'll have nine

There would be 10 but they lacked 8

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π︎ Oct 20 2020
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My father is a determined man. He never gives up

He has a lot of daddycation

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π€︎ u/Kawliet
π︎ May 18 2019
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What's the difference between chemistry and cooking

In chemistry you should never lick the spoon

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π€︎ u/SpookyWeebou
π︎ Nov 13 2020
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If x = the main character of a story, how do you determine the position of x?

With the exposition.

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π€︎ u/CJCray8
π︎ Apr 15 2019
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An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at \$500; we'll pay you \$1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn \$1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be \$500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be \$500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this \$1,000," passing the doctor a \$500 note.

Doctor: "But this is \$500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be \$500."

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π€︎ u/tonheatz
π︎ Aug 08 2020
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How to determine the sex of an ant.

Step 1. Throw it in the water.

Step 2. Observe.

If it sinks? Girl ant.

If it floats? Boy ant.

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π€︎ u/ivey090
π︎ Mar 04 2017
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After years of research, experts finally determined the leading cause of dry skin:

Towels.

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π€︎ u/JackMcCracken
π︎ May 16 2017
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My dad, type 2 diabetic, after 11 months of suffering chemo/radiation treatment for pancreatic cancer, 5 months after he was told the surgery failed and it was terminal. Brother reads off the back of a Sweet'N Low packet "...been determined to cause cancer to laboratory animals" Dad snaps back

"Bullshit! I've been using that stuff for years and...(looks at 13" scar across his stomach from whipple procedure to remove tumors, looks back at family for effect) oh... shit..."

Never lost his great attitude towards life, family, and people in general. Always quick with a joke/dad joke until the end.

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π€︎ u/Dude0311
π︎ Jul 20 2017
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Whatβs inside a smoked computer?

BBQβd chips

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π€︎ u/jspittman
π︎ May 15 2020
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TIL you can determine wether or not a person is stupid based on their taste in music.

For instance, metal-heads are pretty damn dense.

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π€︎ u/C0NSTABEL
π︎ Feb 12 2018
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Appreciation: I love this sub's jokes, but we all know the real dad jokes are the ones in the comments

I love that the real dad jokes are the dad's trying to make a second joke based on the post haha. None of them are funny, they're all dry as the Sahara Desert, but like all good dad's, they're determined to keep trying.

Keep it up you silly gooses!

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π€︎ u/ninthpower
π︎ Sep 21 2020
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NASA finally determined what clothes to wear in space!

A polo

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π€︎ u/Bran04Elite
π︎ Mar 21 2017
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I am very dyslexic.

But I have learnt that through hard work and determination, anything is popsicle!

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π€︎ u/stackiit
π︎ Aug 25 2020
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Did you hear about the naked toddler competing in the Olympics' 100m dash?

He was running a little behind.

(I believe this to be original; but I wasn't willing to risk searching for the key terms required to determine if someone else came up with it... apologies if I'm repeating a long ago joke)

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π€︎ u/aguynamedbry
π︎ Sep 16 2020
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How can you determine how heavy a single red hot chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

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π€︎ u/johnblu5
π︎ Feb 20 2019
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How to determine an ants sex

All you need in a glass of water. If the ant sinks to the bottom itβs a girl ant. If it floats itβs a buoyant.

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π€︎ u/jetkism
π︎ Sep 29 2018
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You can determine an ants gender by putting it on water...

If it sinks it is a girl ant, if it floats it is buoyant...

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π€︎ u/aabesh
π︎ Apr 05 2018
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