My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes
So now we call him Dr Awkward.
What type of aquatic creature would make a terrible friend?
A friend asked me to help him rob the soda factory, but he didn't have much of a plan.
He wanted me to be his Coke-conspirator.
I have a friend who worships certain shades of blue.
A friend of mine figured out how to install granite in kitchens in a single day
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read anyway.
My friend Archibald hired a Mexican folk group to help propose to his girlfriend, culminating in the presentation of the ring.
It was a Marry Archie Band
I had a friend in school named Mal. She was terrified of doing dissections in biology.
You know what was really common on dissection days? Formaldehyde.
My farmer friend gave me a herd of sheep..
which I didn't want and he accused me of being ungulateful.
My scientist friend successfully created a replica of himself, but it used such vulgar language that one day he punched it in the head and knocked it out.
Police arrested him for making an obscene clone fall.
A friend of mine went from being addicted to jacking off to being addicted to sex
His addiction got out of hand
MY FRIEND KEEPS SAYING “CHEER UP MAN, IT COULD BE WORSE, YOU COULD BE STUCK UNDERGROUND IN A HOLE FULL OF WATER.”
My Canadian friend eats a bowl of fries, cheese curds and brown gravy every single morning.
It's just his daily poutine.
Apparently a deer friend of ours stopped by overnight.
A friend of mine said he was seeing a psychiatrist.
I asked him, "Are you seeing him, in the room, now?"
Our friend Les was feeling down, so we took him out for a night of fun.
It made Les Les Miserables.
A Bedouin meets a friend of his after a long time in the Sahara desert.
Friend of mine got a job as a road cleaner who only works after dark.
I don't know how he sweeps at night.
I was at the bar with my friend enjoying a glass of orange soda.
He turns to me and says:
“Hey I gotta tell you something Fantastic. My Sunkist his Crush yesterday!”
my friend told me a cow pooped on him, sounds like a bunch of bullshit
When I was feeling sad, my friend told me "It could be worse. At least you aren't stuck at the bottom of a deep hole filled with water."
My friend passed away and wanted to be buried in a lot of green spherical-shaped seed pods...
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet.
He's an extremely aggressive cleaner.
I made a joke at the expense of my amputee friend on his birthday party, everyone laughed except him.
I guess he just didn't find it humerus.
Edit : Holy shit it blew up! Thanks everyone!
Went to see the new Thor movie for my friend’s birthday and one of them gave him a card and wrote Thor themed puns.
My friend asked me a question on the ninth letter of the greek alphabet, but he came to the wrong person.
I don't even have one iota of knowledge about it.
A friend of mine is backing up a webserver for an animal rights group but it's turning out to be a bigger job than expected
They have PETA-bytes of data
A friend of mine told me he took his dog for a walk, threw a stick 3 miles and his dog still got it!
I thought… that’s a bit far-fetched!
I recently got a facetime call from an astronaut friend of mine
He said he was being sucked into a black hole, so I said "why the long face?"
I guess I offended him because I haven't heard from him since.
I brought a gun to a bar and my friend placed a blueberry inside of the barrel
When I fired my gun at a drunkard, my gun jammed
A friend of mine didn’t pay for his exorcism.
A European friend of mine is very good at chess.
According to science, one friend out of every group has the potential to be a serial killer.
So I threw Dave off a cliff, just in case it was him.
A friend asked me to play the part of Brutus in an upcoming play about Julius Caesar
I said I'd take a stab at it.
I tried writing a bunch of jokes for my friend who just got a vasectomy
But none of them made the cut ✂️
In light of Apple crippling AirDrop for Chinese citizens, I asked a friend what it was like living in China now.
"I can't complain", he replied.
My friend has a compulsion of dipping his testicles into glitter
A friend of mine was a groupie for a traveling beef jerky eating show.
It was a tough act to follow.
A friend of mine had a drinking problem and went to a place called Hokey Pokey Rehab
He turned himself around.
My friend recently died drinking a gallon of varnish...
Boy it was a horrible end but a lovely finish.
I just learned a friend of mine is deaf
When I spoke to him I was at a loss for words
A friend of mine got his whole left side run over by a train…
…I just want to tell that he is all right now
I told a friend of mine I was going to get on a horse and charge him with a lance. But I wasn’t really going to do that.
My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I have a friend who worships certain shades of blue.
My friend keeps telling me, “cheer up, it could be worse. You could be stuck in a hole underground full of water!”
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