We get to foster a shelter dog for a while to fill the place of our beloved late dog.

We'll just call it a subwoofer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_hardeeharhar_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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Jane Foster will be allowed to wield Mjolnir because she and Thor have an understanding.

They're in a polyhammerous relationship.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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This doggo has been fostered.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amandajag
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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One of the particpants at an adult foster care home dropped this bomb.

I work at a house and take care of two gentlemen with mental disabilities who live there. One of them dropped this gem today:

Him: What would happen if I didn't have a mouth? I couldn't talk. What would happen if I didn't have a nose? I couldn't smell. What would happen if I didn't have any ears? I couldn't see. Me: Do you mean you couldn't hear? Him: No, my hat would fall down and cover my eyes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calebshmaleb
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2015
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I work at a foster care agency with a rent to own policy...

Its called wombs to go.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thosjb
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
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Who are the Fosters, and why do they have so many kids?

Just said by my friend while we were out at a bar

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πŸ‘€︎ u/priestlyemu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2018
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I got banned from /r/cooking

Apparently saying that any idiot can make Bananas Foster is considered flambΓ©ting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MechanoidWarhead
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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My mum used to wash my hair with lager...

Just found out I was fostered

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TruthSeekingEye
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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If Spiderman stays with Sony the next movie should be called "Spiderman Far From the MCU"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/foodie487
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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I went to what I thought was a christening but halfway through the vicar tipped a load of pish tasting lager over the poor baby.

Turns out he was being fostered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElMel77
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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Got dad joked by 13 yr old girl foster kid....Where do dogs hate to go shopping?

Flea market

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2016
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What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?

Foster's

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πŸ‘€︎ u/doktorstrange7
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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They've announced the plot for the third spiderman movie!

Spiderman is sent to Australia to combat a new deadly villian and is being called "Spiderman Home and Away"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/John-Waters
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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My dad was playing Top Trumps with my foster brother

it was a top trumps with zoo animals.

Brother: ermmm Weight

Dad: no response

Brother: "I said weight"

Dad: What am i waiting for you told me to wait!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/p4nz3r
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2015
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A 7-year-old boy is sitting in court during his parents' custody battle.

He shows up wearing an Ottawa Senators jersey, so the judge asks "Are you a Sens fan?" The boy nods his head.

During the custody battle, he is later asked if he wants to live with his mom. His reply is "No, she beats me when drunk."

The judge asks in shock, "Okay, what about your father?"

The boy replies, "But he beats me every day when he comes home from a bad work day!"

With no other options, the jude states "We will have to send you to a foster home." The boy protests.

"Well, who do you want to live with?" the judge asks.

The boy thinks a moment and says ,"The Ottawa Senators. They're nice to people in need, and they don't beat anybody."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshP99
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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My foster bro accidentally made a dad joke that I laughed at heartily while everyone stared.

So some guests were over and he was asking me to play a game with him. I felt obligated to stay with the guests, so after some refusal he jokingly massaged my shoulders and said "but I knead you. "

Turns out he just meant "need"....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TagRag
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2015
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Had an interview at Foster Farms yesterday.

My friend's dad told me not to chicken out...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sfs40
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2014
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My parents only drank Australian beer while I was growing up.

I was raised in a Foster family.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2018
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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I took my son out for a beer for the first time last night...

I got him a Fosters, but he didn't like that, so I had it.

I tried him on Carling, but he hated that too, so I drank that as well.

Same thing with Guinness and Bitter.

I was doubling up on everything and he was happy with just fruit juice.

By the time we got onto the vodkas, I was too drunk to push his stroller home...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2017
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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I told my Dad "Happy Father's Day."

After a long look at me he said "That's nice and all, but you should probably tell that to your father." (He really is my father, not my step-dad, foster parent etc.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Llawma
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2014
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