A man goes to the doctor because he has been feeling sick for weeks

The doctor examines him, sprinkles salt and spices on him and just like that, he's cured.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkazen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
After I bought my car I started feeling sick...

I guess you could say I got car-owner virus

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bagle05
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I think my stallion is feeling sick

He sounds a bit hoarse

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arceist_Justin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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I was feeling sick.

I went to my Ear Nose and Throat doctor for sinus infections, migraines, and ringing in my ears. After a battery of tests he took me aside for my diagnosis.

"I am afraid your problems are all in your head."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kulthos_X
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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I went to bed sick last night and this morning my wife asked me how I was feeling -

I said β€œthe difference between last night and this morning is night and day”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/muncie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
🚨︎ report
I am sick and tired of feeling oppressed hearing more about this MRA (Mens Rights Activists) movement...

As of today I'm starting a Mens Lefts Activist movement. Equality for all!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Holisticism
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
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My dad told me this whenever I was feeling sick

Me: "Dad, my stomach hurts"

Him: "Does your face hurt?"

Me: "No"

Him: "Well it's killing me!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/krogstam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2013
🚨︎ report
Why do I feel healthy on Saturdays and Sundays, and so sickly for all the other days ?

Maybe, I just have a weekend immune system.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.

It must be the high Mercury content.

πŸ‘︎ 314
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you feel when you get sick after eating Mediterranean food?

Falafel

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/detroitsouthpaw
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
There were 30 cows and 28 chicken. How many didn't?
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rozen007
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.

I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Whenever I eat burnt toast it makes me feel sick.

I guess I’m just black toast intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theheroofunicycle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do boats go when they feel sick?

To the dock.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juhaodbrokule
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
how well does a sick Australian feel?

a bit down under the weather

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/retoxification
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Have you ever had the feeling that you've had the same sickness before?

That's deja flu

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/basmith0
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Asked my dad how does he feel, since he was sick the last couple days...

He says "like everyone else, with my fingers"

πŸ‘︎ 172
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PinkTacoPounder
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2014
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Every time I feel sick, my Dad pulls this.

"Dad, I'm not feeling well."

"Well does your face hurt?

"No, why?"

"Because it's killing me!"

Every minor ailment since I could speak.

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sooperwalrus25
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2013
🚨︎ report
My wife is pregnant and she's feeling morning sickness...so I had to take a stand...

So I told our told our baby, "You're grounded! Go to your womb!"

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2017
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend's father was sick earlier last week. Asked him "How do you feel?"

"With my fingers." He replied.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NismoJase
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2014
🚨︎ report
"Hey, dad. Mom told me you are sick, how do you feel?"

Dad: "With my hands."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_love_fatties
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2015
🚨︎ report
When my dad is sick and I ask him how he feels

"With my fingers"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Haecede
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2013
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I got sick at this small hotel in Madrid.

I got sick at this small hotel in Madrid. I called the front desk and they told me they had a doctor on staff. After he made me feel better, I told him I was amazed that such a small place had a doctor. He nodded and said "NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INN PHYSICIAN!!!!

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mementh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Where did the bird go when he felt sick?

To the ducktor!

But why did he feel sick?

Because he had a crippling quack addiction.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/okaynoodle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Call in sick

Bill Johnson called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I cannot come work today, I am really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my leg hurts, I cannot come work."

The boss says: "Bill I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Bill calls again: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. By the way you got nice house.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
🚨︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What feels illegal but isn’t?

A vet feeling an ill eagle feathers who is sick

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lifeis_amystery
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My Thanksgiving Confession

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M3gaC00l
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
🚨︎ report
I get a weird feeling around people who aren't well…

I call refer to that feeling as my "sick sense"

I hope that joke wasn't too dull, but hey, it only cost six scents.

Not to be mistaken for a half dozen walking trees from Lord of the Rings… You know, Six Ents.

You don't need a sixth sense to know this can't go on forever.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kuhnaydeein
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2016
🚨︎ report
My friend's boss dad joked him and didn't even know it.

So a buddy of mine works in a shop and the manager is kinda weird. One day my friend is faking sick to go home early and says to his boss, "I was eating downstairs but I couldn't cause my head feels funny." To which his boss responded with a straight face, "Well did you try eating upstairs?"

My friend lost it.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImEnhanced
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad has been sick...

So, my dad has been sick for the past few days, but began feeling a lot better today. Just about five minutes ago my step sister initiated this conversation:

Step-sister: How are you feeling?

Dad: What do you mean how am I feeling?

Step-sister: Like...how do you feel?

Dad: I feel with my hands, how do you feel?

πŸ‘︎ 350
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSilentGhost
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2014
🚨︎ report
Pho?

My lady isn't feeling well and is home sick today. Heading home for lunch with her...

Me: "Do you want m to pick you up anything?"

Her: "Pho, but not until dinner"

Me: "Not pho lunch?"

Her: Groans

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mobab8
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
🚨︎ report
A three-reader face-palmer of a dadjoke

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CattMristoff
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2014
🚨︎ report
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.

Must be the high Mercury content.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I listened to Queen albums for 12 hours in a row, and now I feel a little sick.

It must be the high Mercury content.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row and now I feel a little sick.

Must be the high Mercury content.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.

It must be the high Mercury content.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I feel sick, my nose is running

"Well you better go catch it"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrToastyToast
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2014
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm pregnant. My boyfriend just made his first dad joke

I was feeling morning sick and so he told our baby: You're grounded. Go to your womb. I rolled my eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DulceZucar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2015
🚨︎ report
Ho Chow calls into work

Ho Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work." His boss says, You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you, I go to my wife and ask her for sex, that makes everything better and I go to work. Try it." Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and feel great, I be at work soon. You have a nice house too"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
🚨︎ report

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